Hic (haec hoc).

It's that time of year when the papers are full of quizzes - some based on testing your knowledge of what happened during this last year, some the more lighthearted sort - you know the sort of thing: "How well do you understand your children?", "How do you rate as a lover?" and things like that. In my paper yesterday was a list of 20 questions about drinking habits. I answered "No" to all but two of them. The first was "Do you crave a drink at a definite time of day?". Well, perhaps "crave" is a bit strong, but certainly I always fancy a drink in the evening - about 8 o'clock or so. The second question was "Do you drink alone?". Well yes, because (sadly) I live alone - simple as that. So then I look at what this is supposed to mean. First I find that this is a serious test devised by an American University hospital, and that "If you have answered "yes" to any two questions, the chances are that you are an alcoholic". Oh, come on.....!

Ha ha

Really must be time for another joke. This one comes courtesy of Classic FM -


Man is having dinner at his friend's house. The friend says "My wife and I had a meal at this new restaurant yesterday - it's really good, I can thoroughly recommend it". "Oh yes" says the man "what's it called?". His friend thinks for a minute and then says "Oh, this memory of mine! What's the name of that red flower men give to their wives and girlfriends?". "Carnation?" says the man. "No no" says his friend "big petals". "Poppy?" offers the man. "No, big petals and thorns" says his friend. "Rose!" says the man. "Yes, that's it" says his friend, and gets up and walks to the kitchen "Rose" he shouts out "what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Benazir Bhutto, R.I.P.

I try not to get involved in commenting on matters outside this country, but I have Asian friends who understandably are very concerned about what is happening, and likely to happen, in Pakistan following the assassination of Ms Bhutto. Both the US President and our Prime Minister have stressed the importance of not allowing this terrible act to derail the hoped-for democratic process in that country. And yet..... It seems to me that you cannot have democracy (and as mentioned in previous posts, by this we basically mean the Western parliamentary model) unless and until you are prepared to lose. Because the process inevitably involves winners and losers. And if your immediate reaction to losing is to go out and try and kill the other lot, I don't see how it can possibly work. Before you can begin to consider putting that model into effect, you have to be dealing with the sort of people who will swear and kick the cat if they lose, but who will then buckle down and put their energies into trying to win next time - and frankly all the current evidence suggests that, with or without the baleful influence of "Al-Quaeda", at present a significant proportion of the Pakistani people are not of that frame of mind. So are our efforts to "bring democracy to Pakistan" actually helping to create the problem rather than solving it?

'Tis the season...

... to be philosophical. The new LibDem leader - whose name escapes me - was asked whether he believed in God and said "No". He is being praised for his honesty, but to me anybody who gives a straight "Yes" or "No" answer to that question is being at best superficial and at worst arrogant. Because the immediate response should be "Tell me what you mean by God". The word can signify very different things to different people - from a sort of Santa Claus figure with a snowy white beard who sits up there (wherever that is!) watching us running around like ants and occasionally intervening in some manner or other, to an intensely personal inner part of ourselves to which we turn to a greater or lesser extent for help in time of need. Faith is belief without proof, and as there can by definition be no objective independent proof that God exists or does not exist, to take either position is an act of faith, so at the end of the day the question "Do you believe in God" becomes the purely meaningless and circuituitous one of "Do you believe in what you believe in?"

The Lazy Cook

I'm sure you're all familiar with microwaveable rice, and it's certainly a boon as a quick and easy accompaniment to just about anything. But if you fancy a change, how about couscous?

This can be just as easy, because you don't need a saucepan to cook it (the instant sort, that is). Just put the couscous in a bowl, add boiling water, cover and leave for about five minutes. Then add a blob of butter or a glug of olive oil and fluff up with a fork.
But how much couscous, and how much water?
How much couscous is a personal thing, and also depends on whether you're having it as an accompaniment to something else, or as a main meal in itself. In the first case, I find around 75 - 100g enough, in the second, maybe twice that.
Water's a bit more tricky - too little and the couscous will be undercooked and gritty - too much and it will be sloppy and soupy (although this isn't a disaster, as you can always drain off the excess).
You may find instructions on the packet, but if not, I have found if you use slightly more than the same volume of water as couscous, that's about right, or around 160 - 170ml of water per 100g of couscous. If you can't be bothered with measuring or weighing, then simply add enough water to cover the couscous by about a quarter of an inch, but no more.

Enjoy!

The tax man cometh.

As a follow-up to yesterday's post, the reason Mary and Joseph found themselves in Bethlehem was that a decree had gone out from Caesar Augustus that "all the world should be taxed". But as mentioned, this was almost certainly nothing (at least directly) to do with the payment of money, but was simply a census. "To tax" originally meant no more than to enquire into, to assess. As this process became more and more often an enquiry into your means, with a view as to how much money could be screwed out of you, the word "tax" started to take on the meaning of the payment rather than the enquiry. We do talk about something being "taxing" when we mean it involves a lot of thought, rather than expense, but the one area where the word is still used in its original meaning is that of professional charges - particularly solicitors' charges. If you wish to challenge the amount a solicitor is charging you, you can (for a fee!) require him to provide a detailed "bill of costs" which will then go before an independent expert for "taxation" - that is each item in turn will be examined and enquired into to decide whether or not it is proper and allowable.

Merry Christmas

When was Jesus born? Well, the one thing we can be pretty certain about is that it was not December 25th. The gospels tell us that at the time "there were... shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night", which puts it no later than about the beginning of October. Also the census which brought Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem would not have been held until after the harvest was in. So the clever money is on sometime in September. Does it matter - not a bit. If you are a Christian you celebrate the fact the He existed, and exact dates are immaterial.

'Twas the night before Christmas.

Many many years ago, one Christmas Eve night, my wife and I were awoken in the small hours by a jingling sound going past our window and down the street. What was it? We never found out. Was it an early morning milk-float? Was it someone playing the fool? Or was it....? All I remember is that we looked sleepily at each other and said "It's Santa!" and went back to sleep.

More carol singing.

How many of you sing "God rest ye / merry gentlemen", that is with "merry" treated as an adjective describing "gentlemen"? Quite a few, I bet. And yet it should be "God rest ye merry / gentlemen" - with "merry" as an adverb modifying "rest". "God rest ye merry" is simply old English for "God keep you in good spirits". Another one folks generally get wrong is the line in "Silent Night" that goes "Round yon virgin mother and child", where "virgin", "mother" and "child" are treated as three nouns, whereas "virgin" is an adjective describing "mother" - in other words "virgin-mother". Of course, the tune doesn't help here - inviting you, as it does, to take a breath between "virgin" and "mother". And can you sing "Oh come, all ye faithful" in Latin? I can - it's one of the few things that stuck from school. In fact, the Latin words are the original - the English words are a translation. So for those of you who want to know, here it is (well, the first verse anyway) -

Adeste, fildeles,

Laeti triumphantes,

Veite, venite in Bethlehem.

Natum videte

Regem angelorum.

Venite adoremus,

Venite adoremus,

Venite adoremus,

Dominum.

Carol singing.

My car radio is tuned to Classic FM at the moment, and being this time of year, much of their output consists of carols. And every year this brings to mind the persistent myths and legends which surround the carol "Silent Night". The story which you will hear repeated over and over again is that it was composed on the spur of the moment by a parish priest in Austria on a Christmas Eve in the early 1800's when he discovered that the church organ had broken down, and they needed something which could be sung to a simple guitar accompaniment. Nice story, but complete fiction I'm afraid. It was certainly performed (as far as anyone knows for the first time) on Christmas Eve 1818 at a church in Oberndorf, Austria, and was indeed sung to a guitar accompaniment, but it had been written some two years before, and there was nothing wrong (or any more wrong than usual) with the organ.

Book post

(see post dated 18/11/06)

My latest ten reads -

Christy Kenneally - The Remnant - 7
James Patterson & Andrew Gross - Judge and Jury - 8
Joel Ross - Double Cross Blind - 7
Sue Grafton - "D" is for Deadbeat - 8
James Patterson with Peter De Jonge - Beach Road - 7
Karin Slaughter - Triptych - 7
Adrian Mathews - The Apothecary's House - 7
Robin Cook - Crisis - 6
Tess Gerritsen - The Sinner - 7.5
Michael Palmer - Fatal - 8

Here we go again!

Rape law is in the news again - indeed it's like the proverbial bad penny in that it keeps turning up. Much of the problem I feel is down to the fact that we seem to be seeking a "one size fits all" solution to what is anything but a one-size problem. The spectrum of rape stretches from what is in effect a particularly nasty and intimate variety of assault or grievous bodily harm at one end, to what may be no more than genuine confusion or misunderstanding at the other - and all points in between. Perhaps we could borrow the American idea of "degrees", and divide the offence into First Degree Rape, where physical violence, threat or coercion is used, and Second Degree Rape where the only question is one of consent, and treat them as separate offences, and maybe handle the latter in something more akin to a family court set-up. with anonymity for both parties.

Don't they drive on the other side of the road?

More missing personal data - driving test applicants this time. Further embarrassment for the Government, but what struck me most strongly was why on earth is our driving theory test being administered and marked by a company over in America?

Weihnachtsstollen

Funny how so many of our Christmas traditions stem from Germany - down in great part to Prince Albert apparently. I'm not a cake person generally, but Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a stollen - indeed that was one of the things I was hoping to pick up from the German Christmas market - until I saw how much they were asking for them! And I don't think they were the genuine article either - Germans will tell you that "real" stollen only comes from Dresden. Considering how rich and tasty it is, it's surprising to find that it started out as a fasting food - made to be eaten during Advent. But it was so dry and unappetising that somehow the good burghers of Dresden got a papal dispensation to add butter to the mix which instantly transformed it into something like the delicacy we enjoy today. Apparently when Dresden was behind the iron curtain there was a thriving illegal cross-border market in stollen, because the West couldn't get enough of them, and you could sell them for much-sought-after dollars. Anyway I shall go and get mine from Lidl, so there!

Fröhliche Weihnachten.

Went to the German Christmas market in Birmingham yesterday. Very interesting and colourful, and the kids loved it - but the prices!! No wonder they come back every year - they must be coining it!

I'll be along in a minute.

Doesn't Gordon Brown's behaviour over the signing of the new EU treaty speak volumes about this country's attitude towards Europe? We're not really sure we want to be in, but we're scared of being left out.

A policemen's lot.....

The Police have really got their dander up, haven't they? So have they been hard done to? Should we feel sorry for them? Well, yes and no. Pretty well everybody thinks they should be paid more than they are, and the police are no exception, but when you look at the whole package - particularly the pension scheme which is generous even by public sector standards - they don't do too badly. So what about this backdating, or rather this lack of backdating? Here I feel they have a valid point. The principle of pay rises taking effect from 1st September irrespective of when new rates are finally agreed has been so well established over so many, many years that individual officers have every right to assume that this arrangement would continue, and it may well be that some officers have made arrangements based on that assumption, and may now find themselves in the clag, financially speaking. If the Government were going to renege on such a long-standing arrangement, they should have made their position clear from the outset, instead of apparently accepting an award which they never had any intention of implementing.

It's coming.

So the Christmas decs are up. Have been a bit more adventurous this year. Assiduous readers of this blog will understand that last Christmas I was not really in the mood to be festive. This time round it's a little easier - not all that much, but a little. And you have to think of the grandkids don't you? Last year I think they were really disappointed, so this year I've involved them in the whole process (or perhaps, more to the point, they have involved themselves) so the house is all lit up. Have to say it doesn't make it feel any the less empty though - ho hum.

Great (?) minds think alike.

Remember my idea of putting the clocks forward to GMT plus half an hour and leaving them there all year round? It seems that Venezuela has done something very similar. I'm not sure whether I want to be associated with President Chavez mind you, but it is nice to think that perhaps it wasn't such a barmy idea after all. It will be interesting to see whether it works in the long term over there.

The Lazy Cook

What's the best thing since sliced bread? Well for me, top of the list would be Easy Onions. If you've not already come across these, they are chopped and fried onions in a tin. You may have to search for them, but more and more supermarkets are now beginning to stock them, and they are a boon. For any recipe which calls upon you to chop and fry onions until they go soft and translucent, you can simply open the tin and there they are - just need warming up. Another little gem is ready-crushed frozen garlic - have a look in the freezer section of your supermarket. The sort I use is by Fullers Foods, but I think there are other producers. If a recipe calls for garlic, just chuck a handful in. I'm all for the easy life!

Is-oo scared then?

Have you seen the story of the Army having to "de-crack" all the Christmas crackers being sent to British forces in Iraq and Afghanistan? Apparently, regulations do not allow them to be sent with their bangs intact by RAF transport, as they would be classed as explosives. Seems a little over-the-top, particularly as apparently they could be sent by ordinary civil passenger planes without any problem. Makes the RAF seem a bit like wimps, doesn't it? And as an ex-RAF (national service) man, I find the whole thing rather embarrassing.

The exception that proves the rule.

Why do the family always look to me to explain things? "What does this saying mean?" ask the grandchildren. "Ask your grandad" is the answer! Well it's true that "prove" here is being used in its original meaning of "to test; to put to the test", but I don't think that takes us much further. After all, if you test something, then you show it to be so, or not so - that is, you prove or disprove it - so the two meanings are pretty much the same. No, I think the word which causes more of a problem is "rule". Today we tend to associate that word with law, regulation, things laid down by those in authority which must be complied with, whereas originally it meant no more than "what normally is" - the meaning we still use when we say "...as a rule...". Now if you bear that definition in mind, it becomes clear that the basic meaning of the expression is that if you have an exception, then there must be a rule for it to be an exception to - the very existence of an exception proves the existence of the rule. Suppose for example, that you drive into a town where you've never been before, and notice signs everywhere saying "Free parking today". What do you understand from this - well, clearly, that you can park for free today, but also that normally (that is to say that other than today) you would have to pay for the privilege. So the exception (you can park free today) proves [the existence of] the rule (normally you have to pay to park here). OK?

Told you so!

I'm sure most of you are aware of the word schadenfreude which means getting pleasure out of others' misfortune. But is there a word for the smug self-satisfied feeling you get when, having been ridiculed, you are proved to be right? If there is, I don't know it, but that's how I'm feeling at the moment. It must have been twenty-odd years ago, when I was a working civil servant, that I, among others, was invited to comment on whether or not the forms we sent out should be accompanied by translations into minority languages for the benefit of non-English speaking immigrants. I was apparently the only one who said no. My arguments were that, firstly, once you start down this road, where do you stop - if you're going to provide translations into Urdu and Gujarati for instance, then what about Polish, Latvian and Ukrainian, or any of the other myriad of languages spoken around the West Midlands. But also, I pointed out that by doing this we would be sending out a signal to immigrants that they didn't need to make the effort to try and learn English - and was that really the sort of message we ought to be sending out? And now, praise be, the Government has come round to my way of thinking - even if they are driven as much by considerations of cost as anything. Come on, there must be a word for it!

Works out about £½m a stone?

Ten years ago the Government decided that the question of Stonehenge and the A303 which runs close beside it needed to be sorted out. A bypass to the north, a bypass to the south, and even sending the road underground for a stretch were all under consideration. Now, 10 years and £23m later they have decided to do -- nothing! As a tax payer, I cannot say I'm impressed.

Smile for the camera - oops!

Presumably the theory is that John Darwin, the "canoe man" - in collusion one takes it with his wife - faked his own death in order that they could cash in on his life assurance policy, and eventually live the high life in Panama or wherever. If that be the case, then how stupid could you be to allow yourself to be photographed alive and well after you were supposed to be dead? Either things are not as straight-forward as is being suggested, or this must rank as one of the most laughably incompetent attempts at fraud ever conceived.

You're not listening!

Back in 2003 before the invasion of Iraq, we, and to a lesser extent the US, were saying to Saddam "Tell us where your weapons of mass destruction are, turn them over, and you can avoid being invaded". His constant response was "I haven't got any - I can't give you what I haven't got". We now know he was telling the truth. More recently, the US, and to a lesser extent ourselves, have been saying to the Iranian president "Stop working towards the production of nuclear weapons, or else!". He has consistently said "We're not doing that". It now seems probable that he too has been telling the truth. Is there a lesson for us here - and perhaps more to the point, will we heed it?

God save it!

It isn't the silly season already, is it? It seems that it has seriously been suggested - by an ex-Government Minister no less - that the words of the National Anthem should be changed so as to be "more inclusive", whatever that means. Given that probably no more than one person in a thousand knows more than the first verse, and that that cannot possibly give offence to anyone other than republicans (who would almost certainly ditch the whole thing anyway), I can't see the problem. I always think our National Anthem stands up well against those of other nations - it has a quiet dignity which contrasts well with the jingoistic fervour of some others. It's true if you get as far as the sixth verse, it talks about crushing the "rebellious Scots", but given the current shenanigans of Alex Salmond and his lot, even that has a certain resonance!

Am I wasting my time?

So I diligently separate out all my paper, glass and tins for recycling, on the basis that by so doing I am making my small contribution towards a "greener" society. But am I? It seems that some councils are then sending stuff collected for recycling to other countries to be disposed of, with all the consequent pollution and greenhouse gases involved in transporting them. Would seem to negate the whole purpose of the exercise, wouldn't it?

The unacceptable face of professionalism?

Did you see the Barbarians v South Africa match on Saturday? The first half in particular was as good as it gets - would that we could see rugby played like that every week. And yet the whole concept of the Barbarians is under threat - English clubs are not willing to release their players, presumably for fear of injury. There were only two Englishmen in the starting line-up, one of whom no longer plays club rugby, and the other - who still does - was playing against the express instructions of his club side. Had it not been for the foreign contingent, mainly New Zealand players, it's doubtful if the Ba-Bas would have been able to put out a competitive side. There is no more striking example of the way the ethos of the game in this country has been corrupted by money.

Don't I know you?

I got out my Christmas card list the other day, and this started me off on a chain of thought.... Geometric progressions can produce some surprising results. Imagine for example, that you had a certain-sure way of doubling your money every day, and that you started off on the 1st January with 1p, and using your method by the 2nd you had turned it into 2p, by the 3rd into 4p, by the 4th 8p, and so on. How long would it take you to become a millionaire? Months? Years? Decades? Well, the answer is just 28 days! Amazing but true - get your calculator out and convince yourself. So where does my Christmas card list come into this - well I was totting up the total number of people on there (not just the number of cards I send), and it comes to over 100 - and I'm not a particularly social animal, so I would imagine that most adult people could probably list 100 or more people they know. Have you heard of the Six Degrees of Separation? This is a theory that says that you are connected to every other person in the world by at most six other people - that is to say that, if you pick any person in the world at random, you know somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody who knows that person. Seems unlikely, but it's all to do with the power of geometric progressions. If we assume that everybody knows 100 people, then you know 100 people who each know 100 people who each know 100 people, and so on.... By the time we get six people away we have connected with 100^6 people, that is 1,000,000,000,000 or 1000 billion (American). Clearly there will be some duplications here - for example some of the 100 people the people you know know will almost certainly also be part of your 100, so we can perhaps reduce this figure to something under 10 billion, but as the population of the world is only 6.5 billion, you can see that the idea of Six Degrees of Separation is quite feasible. And now back to writing my Christmas cards.....

Grandstanding - again!

The Police wished to question Harry Redknapp about alleged false accounting and conspiracy to defraud. To this end they decided to arrest him - somewhat OTT perhaps, but assuming that they had the requisite grounds for reasonably suspecting him of involvement in such an offence, something they were entitled to do. But how did they go about this? They turned up at his house at 6.00 a.m. when he wasn't even there (did they know- if not why not, his movements were anything but secret) and caused considerable distress to his wife who was alone in the house. And even more sinisterly, they were accompanied by photographers from one of the tabloids. Does this remind you of the Ruth Turner business (see post dated 22nd January)? What are the Police playing at? Isn't it about time somebody called them to account? I think they've been watching too many TV cop shows.

The Lazy Cook.

It's a sad fact that there will always be washing up, and unless you have a dishwasher (I don't) you're going to have to do it yourself. So, a couple of tips. Firstly, I have found that this is an area where you get what you pay for - when buying kitchen cooking equipment it pays to get the best you can afford. Good quality saucepans, frying pans, woks, baking trays etc. clean up much easier and better. Second, whenever you have used any sort of pan for cooking, before you do anything else, put some water into it - otherwise the residual heat of the pan will bake on any residue, and you'll have the devil's own job to clean it off. Putting water in it straight away makes washing it up a doddle. Just one warning - if you've been frying anything in oil or fat, be sure to put the water in slowly and at arm's length - hot fat and water make for a volatile combination!

Did I do that?

This business of political donations being made through third parties has turned into a "who knew what when" issue, with many Labour Party workers and indeed Government Ministers under scrutiny. I find it difficult to get too worked up about that, but what does disturb me is the appearance on television of one of these phantom donors the other day, saying that not only was she unaware that money had been donated to the Labour Party in her name, but that she did not, and never had supported Labour, and her political allegiances had always been to one of the other parties. So what I think should be a matter of concern is the idea that, without my knowledge, a significant donation could be made in my name to a cause which I would not wish to support. This aspect seems to be being overlooked in the rush to try and embarrass the Government.

Free speech?

A report says that hundreds of protesters tried to disrupt a debate on free speech at Oxford University the other day because speakers had been invited whose views they disagreed with and found distasteful. Anybody else see the irony in that?

Ha ha

Scraping the bottom of the joke barrel by now, but here goes -

There is an ancient myth about a cliff on Mount Olympus in Greece that has special powers. The story is that if you throw yourself off the cliff, whatever you shout as you are going over is what you will get in abundance at the bottom. Three friends go up there one day to try it out. The first one takes a tentative run and jumps off shouting "money", and at the bottom he lands in a huge mountain of money. The second friend sees this and gets very excited and takes a long run and goes as fast as he can and jumps off shouting "babes", and he lands amongst a load of beautiful girls. The third friend gets really excited and takes a huge run-up and goes as fast as he can. Just as he comes to the cliff-edge he trips on a rock and as he goes over the edge shouts "oh shit!"

Keep religion out of it.

So Tony Blair did not talk about his religious beliefs while in office for fear of being thought a "nutter". He contrasts this country's attitude to such matters with that in America, where politicians tend to wear their religion very much on their sleeve. I think the distinction is purely pragmatic - in America the "religious right" carries a great deal of clout, and is a force which has to be reckoned with politically. In this country, if anything, the reverse is true - we have an instinctive dislike of anyone who "preaches" at us. But more to the point is that we elect governments (at least in theory) to do what is best for the country, that is all of us, and frankly, religious belief - or for that matter a lack of such beliefs - has no part to play in making such decisions. And in any event, I can't help thinking how does Blair square his religious beliefs with going to war and being responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians?

A channel too far?

Apparently Rupert Murdoch, who owns The Sun and The Times and has stakes in many other media outlets has said that Sky News should become more like the US Fox News (which he also owns), so as to provide "a proper alternative to the BBC". Well, it would do that all right - have you ever watched Fox News? I first stumbled on it by chance, and honestly thought initially that it was a satirical spoof news show! Assuming it hasn't changed (I haven't really bothered to watch it since) it is so far to the right as to be out of sight. Talk about "My country, right or wrong", it's more "My country, who else matters"! I implore Sky News - which is really pretty good - not to go down that line.

Après moi.....?

"Why should he get a penny?" was the front-page headline in one of the papers yesterday, and certainly is a question being asked by a lot of people in this country at the moment. "He" of course is Steve McClaren who was sacked as England manager following defeat in the Croatia match on Wednesday, and who, it is now revealed, will get £2.5m in compensation. Well, the answer's very simple - because that's what his contract says! He is doing no more than getting what he is legally entitled to under the terms of the agreement he entered into when he took on the job. You can argue whether or not the contract should have been drawn in that way, but that's a matter you would have to take up with the FA, and it may well be that that was the only way they could persuade him to accept what everybody knows is a poisoned chalice. After all, if you were considering going for a job where you knew that almost all of your predecessors had been fired - or left "by mutual agreement", which amounts to pretty much the same thing - you would be a wally if you didn't try to ensure that you would be protected financially should the same thing happen to you. And if you really want an example of "being paid for failure" look no further than the players, who are still there, still picking up their big fat pay cheques. Perhaps if their jobs were on the line, we might see a team with a bit more motivation and desire.

Depends on which way you look at it.

What you might call the "anti-alcohol lobby" is making much of the fact that in some supermarkets it's cheaper to buy lager than it is to buy mineral water. They cite this of course as evidence that the price of lager is too cheap, but for me what it highlights is the ridiculously high price charged for some mineral waters!

Data protection.

The Treasury have been left with extremely red faces following the revelation that computer disks containing personal details of everybody claiming child benefit have been lost in the post. The main criticism seems to relate to the fact that they were sent in the ordinary post, rather than by recorded delivery or registered. But I don't think that's really the point - whilst using those methods would certainly have reduced the possibility of loss, they are not really designed for that purpose, but more for providing compensation if loss does occur - and clearly here no amount of compensation would have solved the problem. As a one-time manager myself, I saw an important aspect of my job to be constantly thinking "what if?" and designing strategies to prevent or limit the damage caused if things should go wrong - because, depend upon it, sooner or later they will. In this case it seems to me that standard operating procedure should be for any transmission of personal data to be in encrypted form, so that if it does go missing it will not be of any use to any third party who might come across it.

Joined-up thinking?

As an occasional treat, I am very fond of popping down my local chippie for cod and chips - except that cod is becoming more and more expensive and more difficult to get hold of. My chip shop has taken to promoting coley and pollock as alternatives. The reason for this, it appears, is an EU directive limiting the amount of cod which can be caught and this is designed to protect the cod from overfishing. All very laudable - until that is, you learn that "caught" doesn't actually mean caught, it means landed. The result is that trawlers are still catching cod in their nets - they can't really avoid it - but because they can't bring it back to port, they have to dump it - dead of course - back in the ocean. So from the consumers' point of view there is a shortage of cod, while substantial amounts of the fish are being thrown away at sea. Somebody's been at the silly pills again!

Yes it is - no it isn't!

The head of the army has produced a damning report on the morale of his troops, saying that they feel "devalued" and "angry" and that the army as a whole is undermanned. The MoD have produced a classic "Yes, Minister" response, pointing out that the report is six months old, and that improvements have been made since then, and that, in any event the report merely reflects "the unedited views of individual soldiers, some of which represent more widespread opinion and others isolated views". Sir Humphrey would have been proud! But the point surely is this - on the one hand you have a serving soldier telling you one thing, and on the other you have a faceless bureaucrat saying something different. Who do you think is more likely to have it right?

We wuz robbed - or wuz we?

Feel a little sorry for the Scots who came so close to qualifying for the 2008 European Championships, only to be denied in the dying seconds by an Italian goal which came courtesy of surely one of the dodgiest free-kicks ever awarded. Not surprisingly, much opprobrium has been heaped on the referee, and more particularly the linesman who flagged for the foul. But before they get too carried away, the Scots should consider that that same linesman in the first half flagged to disallow what seemed a perfectly good Italian goal, which would have put them two up, and then kept his flag down when the Scots equalised from an offside position. So it's swings and roundabouts really, isn't it? And anyway - though it pains me as an Englishman to say it - the Scots can be really proud of their team irrespective of the result.

...but who's it by??

Have you seen the story of the ordinary, every-day family up in Bolton who created forged paintings and other works of art in the back room of their council house which fooled many experts and ended up in museums and galleries all over the country? Needless to say, they have been prosecuted, but for me what it highlights is the fickle and erratic nature of the art world, where a signature on a painting can make the difference between it being worth next to nothing, and being worth a fortune - and yet it's the same painting! If these forgeries were good enough to fool those in the trade, then surely they have merit in themselves? The whole story says far more about the conceits and vanities of art dealers and collectors than about the forgers.

Mumble, mumble.

Bit of a hoo-hah over the performance of some pop singer (I use the word loosely) at a concert in Birmingham the other day. Apparently somewhat the worse for wear, among other things she slurred her lyrics to the point of incomprehension. And I thought - so what? I can never understand what modern singers (again I use the word loosely) are singing about anyway!

Bags of sense?

The question of supermarket plastic bags is in the news again. The official approach seems to be to curb their use, and to this end it is suggested that we should have to pay for every bag we use. But why? As I understand it, these bags can be recycled, so the only problem is collecting them for recycling, given that local authorities don't seem to want to know. And we have a proven blueprint for that - anybody remember "penny on the bottle"? This goes back to the days when all drinks came in glass bottles, and the industry was keen to get as many empty bottles back as possible for reuse, so you got a penny (probably the equivalent of 10p or more in today's money) for every bottle you took back. As kids, we were always on the lookout for discarded bottles so we could get the returns, as it was called. So why not take the same approach with plastic bags? I always think the carrot works better than the stick.

Poor fare.

Much back-slapping and big fanfares have accompanied the opening of the new high-speed rail-link between London St. Pancras and Paris and Brussels. Forgive me if I am none too impressed. It's 30 and more years overdue, and still goes no further than St. Pancras. What happened to the promised fast links to the Midlands, the North and Scotland? Not even a gleam in anybody's eye it would seem. Gordon Brown is apparently after a five-word motto to sum up this country. How about "Too little and too late"?

GB / UK?

As the family fount of all knowledge (ho, ho) I was called upon the other day to settle a dispute between the grandchildren over the respective meanings of "Great Britain" and "The United Kingdom". It's surprising how many people do not fully understand the difference, including - if my granddaughter has got her facts right - her geography teacher! So for the record, Great Britain is a geographical term for the big island we live on - i.e. England, Scotland and Wales. The United Kingdom is a political grouping and consists of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. The British Isles by the way, is the geographical term for the whole sheboosh - Great Britain, Ireland and all the other little islands around and about. What may surprise you is that the Isle of Man, whilst part of the British Isles, is not part of the United Kingdom. It is what is called a Crown Dependency, which basically means that it looks to us for its security, and to represent it internationally, but is otherwise independent. The same thing, by the way, applies to the Channel Islands.

Not taking a chance.

I thought it was a wind-up, but apparently not. Following up on my post of 25th October, comes the story of a village near Norwich who were unable to get - or at least afford - insurance for a bonfire party, so they projected a film of a bonfire onto a giant screen, and all gathered round that. Ten out of ten for initiative, but really!

A life well lived.

What have Dan Dare and the Samaritans in common? What do you mean - who's Dan Dare? He was the British equivalent of Buck Rogers - a sci-fi comic-book hero who featured in The Eagle, a comic which first appeared in the 1950s, and which continued more or less unbroken for the next 40-odd years. So what's the connection? Well, one of the founding fathers of The Eagle was Chad Varah, who also was the man who founded the Samaritans. He was a clergyman, and so incensed was he when, early in his career, he found himself officiating at the funeral of a young teenage girl who had committed suicide because she thought that her periods starting was an indication that she had contracted some shameful disease, that he determined that there should always be somewhere for people like her to turn to for advice and support. One of life's unsung heroes was Chad Varah, who died last week, at the age of 95.

We will remember them.

I have always been fascinated by the power of poetry - real poetry, that is - the sort that rhymes and scans. It's the discipline of crystallising your thoughts so as to fit them into the restraints of poetic form which is so difficult and so potent when it's done well. War - and in particular the First World War produced some of the mightiest poems ever written. Why I'm not sure, but perhaps at the time it was the only acceptable way in which people could give vent to their feelings. And what comes across most often is the feeling of anger - rage almost. There are so many great poems of this period, but if I have to chose one it would be "Anthem for Doomed Youth" by Wilfred Owen, who was himself a soldier and ironically was killed just a week or so before the war's end. Here it is, and just look at that last line as an example of how to speak volumes in just eight words.

What passing-bells for those who die as cattle?
Only the monstrous anger of the guns,
Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;
Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs,
The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;
And bugles calling for them from sad shires.
What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of boys but in their eyes
Shall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes.
The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.

Was justice done?

How sad is the story of Sally Clark? She, you may remember was the woman who was convicted of killing her two children on the later discredited evidence of an expert witness. Her conviction was overturned and she was released after serving more than three years in prison. Clearly she never came to terms with this, took to drink, and died earlier this year from alcoholic poisoning. The question which arises for me is what support - if any - did she get from the state who had wrongly convicted and imprisoned her following her release? There's a tendency in cases like this to think "Oh, they're out now - that's OK then", and then forget all about them. This case highlights the fact that for many of these people release is just the start of their problems.

To my Sikh friends......

.....and I hope I've got that right!

Cough, splutter...

Seems more and more people are forgetting and putting petrol in their diesel cars with serious consequences. If memory serves, when unleaded petrol first came in, and it was important not to put leaded petrol into cars made to run on unleaded, they solved the problem by making the nozzles a different shape, so you physically couldn't put the wrong sort of petrol in. Surely the same idea could be used for diesel?

Fred.

Wolverhampton will never be quite the same now that "Fred" - an eccentric tramp who lived in a tent on one of the big traffic islands on the town's ring-road - has died. He's been there for years, and always kept his patch spic and span, and could often be seen sweeping up. The local social services kept an eye on him, provided him with meals on wheels and even replaced his old home-made tent with a proper one. And the Council have said that they will make the necessary funeral arrangements if, as seems likely, no relatives can be found. How unusual is that these days, when those in authority so often use their powers pettily and restrictively. Wolverhampton can be really, really proud of the way it treated Fred - good on yer!

The Lazy Cook.

Clingfilm - don't you love it??!! You can never find the end - it's worse than Sellotape, it's the very devil to cut or rip (those serrated edges on the box never seem to work properly) and then it sticks to itself - aargh!! But very often you do need to cover stuff up to prevent it drying out or going mouldy or whatever. So I have found that freezer bags are the answer - stick whatever it is inside a freezer bag and it will keep just as well as in cling-film, with none of the bother. I buy the cheapest sort of freezer bags - works out at less than a penny a bag - they do fine, and at that cost you just throw them away when you've finished.

Who said what - again.

A prospective Conservative candidate has been dismissed for suggesting that Enoch Powell had it right in his infamous "rivers of blood" speech 40 years ago. Except that Powell didn't say that - he never used those words. He was a classical scholar, and what he actually said was "As I look ahead, I am filled with foreboding; like the Roman, I seem to see 'the River Tiber foaming with much blood'." The Roman in question was Virgil, and this was a quotation from the Aeneid. This doesn't make what he said any more right or wrong, but let's be accurate, for heaven's sake.

Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells....

There's a programme on BBC on a Saturday morning, which I tend to watch as I am coming to, where viewers can air their complaints about the Corporation's output. Recently, the subject under discussion was the incorrect - as the complainant saw it - use of language by presenters. In particular, the use of "refute" instead of "deny" and (that old perennial) the use of "less" instead of "fewer" when dealing with specific numbers. I'm somewhat of a pedant myself when it comes to grammar and punctuation, but what I think needs to be kept in mind is that language is a tool of communication and that provided the communicatee gets the message that's really all that matters. If people continue to use the word "refute" to mean "deny" (its official dictionary definition is "to prove to be false") then sooner or later it will officially adopt that meaning. There are innumerable words which have changed their meaning - in some instances radically - over the centuries. Language is essentially "work in progress" - it is forever evolving.

Apparently, the buck stops nowhere.

Should Sir Ian Blair resign in the wake of the jury finding the Met guilty in the Menezes trial? It certainly seems unbelievable that an innocent man, acting in a perfectly innocent manner, could be summarily executed on (or more precisely, under) the streets of London without anybody bearing - or even being prepared to accept - any responsibility for what happened. Perhaps the most gob-smacking aspect of all this is Sir Ian's explanation of why he feels he should not resign. He said that the case had "shown no evidence of systematic failure" by his force. All I can say is, if this is an example of the system working properly, then Gawd 'elp us all!

Who said what.

"British jobs for British workers". Who do you think said that? Sounds like a BNP slogan doesn't it? And yet it is attributed to the Prime Minister - an old Labour man through and through. Perhaps this does no more than highlight the fact that the political spectrum is not so much a straight line as a circle, with the extreme left very close politically to the extreme right. And on the other hand, perhaps it is just something dreamt up by the media, because try as I might, I cannot find any reference to Gordon Brown saying that. He did apparently say - or more accurately a Downing Street spokesman quoted him as saying that he was looking to provide "a British job for every British worker" which isn't quite the same thing. Pays not to take these things on face value.

What goes around....

I've nothing against Heather Mills, but her recent outburst on TV about her treatment by the media is I feel symptomatic of the way so many celebrities and personalities - and yes, politicians - want to have their cake and eat it too. If you use the media for your own purposes, then you have to accept that when it suits them, they in their turn will use you.

Deep joy.

Well, here we go - trick or treat followed by penny for the guy, followed by Christmas carollers. A more or less solid couple of months of the constant threat of having your peace and quiet interrupted by small, and not so small children demanding money on the flimsiest of pretexts ("where's your guy, then -- oh, it's that mop with a mask on??"). And then there's fireworks going on just about every evening until the small hours. I do try to be charitable about all this, but I'm afraid I've taken to turning all the lights out and pretending not to be in. But really, why should I have to?

Milking the cash cow?

I know people have to make money, and if you've had a good innovative idea you would wish to squeeze as much capital out of it as possible, but I do find it depressing when pointless spin-offs just devalue the original. I am willing to accept that George Lucas always intended that there would be a Star Wars I, II and III (after all, the original was always titled Episode IV) so even if for the most part they were somewhat disappointing, at least they were part of the overall oeuvre, but the news that he now has plans for a TV series leaves me less than impressed. Victoria Wood had it right with "dinnerladies" - when you've created something special, take the plaudits and walk away.

More on taking a chance.

A friend who reads this blog over my shoulder, as it were, has suggested that I was too hard on insurance companies last Thursday. He maintains that the main blame lies with the courts and their willingness these days to award damages for the least little scratch. Well, I don't think the courts are to blame as much as the system of which they are part, and if we're looking for causae sine qua non then we need to go further back in time. The rot really set in some 30 years ago when (a) solicitors got the right to advertise and (b) official recognition was given to conditional fee agreements - so-called "no win, no fee". This has resulted in an explosion of compensation claims, the majority of which, because of the financial penalties which would result from fighting and losing them, are settled out of court - despite the fact that many of the claims have little or no merit, and would probably be thrown out if in fact they came to court. This in turn has resulted in potential defendants to such claims seeking more and more insurance cover, which in turn....blah, blah, blah. Of course, not everybody sees this as a bad thing, and there's no doubt as a result of these changes, some people have received compensation who otherwise would not have realised they might be entitled to it. You'll have to make your own minds up as to whether the good outweighs the bad.

Different strokes for different folks.

Indignation at "child labour" and "sweat shops" being expressed on the news programmes this morning, following the revelation that at least some of a leading High Street clothes shop's stock is being made by young children in Asia. I think we have to be careful before we seek to impose our ideas and values on peoples to whom they may not apply. I remember a report years ago on this subject, which found that in certain parts of the world, the idea of children working was the norm, and indeed without the extra income they brought in, many families would starve. After all, it's not much more than a hundred years ago that it was the norm in this country. Just because we find something distasteful, doesn't necessarily make it wrong in the context in which it is going on. Certainly the child who featured in the undercover film shown as evidence of the practice seemed pretty happy and well-fed.

Ha ha.

Fast running out of jokes, but here's an old one -

One bed-time, the mother of a young boy heard him say in his prayers “God bless Grandad”. The next day, his Grandad dropped dead.
Some nights later, she overheard him say “God bless Grandma”. The next day, his Grandma dropped dead.
A few days later, she came downstairs after putting him to bed, and said to her husband “I don’t want to worry you, but I just heard him say ‘God bless Daddy’”
The next day her husband came home from work and said “What a day! I walked to work, because I didn’t dare take the car, I used the stairs because I was frightened of taking the lift, I haven’t eaten or drunk anything all day, but at least I’m still here.”
His wife said “You think you’ve had a bad day - the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning!!”

Yellow peril.

You can argue 'til you're blue in the face about whether or not children should be taken to, and fetched from school in cars, but the bald fact is that many of them are, and it is a disgrace that schools simply stick their heads in the sand, and make no attempt to provide for the fact. There's a primary school just up the road from where I live, and from about 8.30 to 9.00 in the morning, and again around 3.30 in the afternoon the road outside and for a good few hundred yards either side is clogged with cars dropping children off or picking them up. So what have the powers that be done? - they've gone and painted yellow lines all along where the cars usually stop! Just what are parents supposed to do? Fold their cars up and stick them in their pockets? The result of course is that the problem has simply moved further down the road - and doubtless in due course we shall have yellow lines there as well. The alternative would have been to require the school to make some provision for a drop-off and pick-up area (could be done), but heaven forbid that the school should be put to any trouble or expense - after all, we all know that pupils and their parents are just a necessary evil as far as schools are concerned!

Go on, take a chance!

"Health and Safety" seems to have become a catch-all excuse for any sort of bureaucratic stupidity these days. And yet I don't think the major blame lies with the Health and Safety Executive so much as with the insurance companies, who seem to be using the Executive's guidelines as a reason to increase their premiums to exorbitant levels, with the result that public bodies cannot afford them and therefore cannot go ahead with events they want to put on. It seems, for instance, that many local authorities will be unable to put up the usual Christmas street decorations this year, and many organised bonfire parties have had to be put off. Sad world, isn't it?

Oh, we don't take that!

Marks & Spencer were on the carpet yesterday on breakfast TV for using the biggest proportion of non-recyclable packaging. Whilst they and the other supermarkets obviously do bear some responsibility in this regard, I think the major problem is with the local authorities, who have no consistent or coherent policy on what can be recycled. Here in the West Midlands for example, we have several Metropolitan Councils, all of whom have their own slightly different rules regarding recycling - some will accept cardboard, others not. Some will accept plastic, others not, and so on. About the only things you can guarantee they will all accept are newspapers and glass. I don't think you can ask supermarkets to use more recyclable packaging until there is general agreement among local authorities as to just what is recyclable.

Brum, brum.

So - thoughts on a pretty dramatic Formula 1 season -

1. Raikkonen - despite being Mr Personality-Bypass, a great driver and a worthy champion. Never gave up, kept plugging away, and once Ferrari got their act together, was always going to be there or thereabouts.


2. Hamilton - shame we couldn't have had our fairy-tale ending, but the irony is that all season we have been praising him for showing maturity well beyond his years, yet in the end it was immaturity that was his downfall. His decision in China to try and race Raikkonen when there was no need was a major factor in him getting no points there, and you would have thought he would have learned from that, but in Brazil he made a similar error in trying to prevent Alonso overtaking him, and losing several places as a result. After all, he knew that all he needed to do was finish in the first five, and no more than one place behind Alonso, so he could, and should, have just let him go and tucked in behind him. By doing what he did, even discounting the mechanical problems he had later, he pretty well threw his chances away. Ah well - there's always next year.


3. Alonso - the major disappointment of the season. If only half of what has been reported is true, he needs to take a cold, hard look at himself, and perhaps accept that, talented though he may be, he is not the Formula 1 God he thinks he is.

I also think the FIA need to bang a few heads together, and perhaps look at their rules. It does seem wrong that the personal actions of an aggrieved employee can have such far-reaching consequences for the sport.

Swing low........

Even though they were beaten in the Final, the England Rugby team deserve great credit for getting there - after a dismal start, they punched well above their weight, and went much further than most people (including me) thought they would. And they could have won, you know! They gave away three stupid and unnecessary penalties in the first half, and that nine points, at the end of the day, was the winning margin for South Africa. And I reckon we should have had a try, so there!!

Blinkered vision.

Even if you accept that the US and ourselves had a valid reason for going to war with Iraq, the main criticism seems to be that nobody really gave any thought to what would happen after. Much the same considerations seem to me to apply to the leadership of the Liberal Democrats. Ok so they've got rid of Sir Ming - but what now? Whatever his faults - perceived or real - at least Menzies Campbell was a recognisable face with a distinctive style and a certain amount of gravitas, but other than Charles Kennedy, who else is there with leadership qualities? The two main candidates are political nonentities whose only appeal seems to be that they are younger than Ming. I've a feeling that the LibDems may well regret what they have done.

Time to barge in?

The West Midlands has a large canal network - much of it still navigable, or able to be made so for little cost. So I was very interested in the news that Tesco are starting to re-use the Manchester Ship Canal for transporting goods in that neck of the woods. Whenever the question of heavy lorries on the roads round here is raised, I am among those who ask why more use is not made of the canals. If the transportation of all non-perishable goods were to be transferred onto the canals, it would make a massive reduction in the number of HGVs on the roads. The main problem seems to be that it would not fit in with the "just in time" philosophy used by most businesses these days - but perhaps the current obsession with the need to be greener will provide the necessary impetus to look again at this old-fashioned method of getting from A to B.

Who's a chubby little boy then?

Well hoorah, as George would have undoubtedly said in Blackadder Goes Forth - it would seem that I'm not to blame for being fat after all - it's a consequence of modern life, according to a government think-tank. It seems our bodies are still primed to obey the primitive urge to stuff as much food down ourselves as possible when it's available to guard against the possibility of famine tomorrow. So there! Mind you, I always maintained that I wasn't overweight, it was just that I wasn't tall enough!

Get the picture?

So the switch-over to digital TV is now underway. I have Sky which is connected to the two other sets in the kitchen and the bedroom, so I'm ready whenever, but I do feel for those for whom this has come as a nasty and somewhat expensive shock. The powers that be are trying to tell us that it is no different from previous technological advances, like the change from 405 to 625 lines, or the advent of colour - but there's one important distinction. You didn't have to go with those changes if you didn't want to. You could still watch on 405 lines if you chose, or in black and white after colour came in. The big difference this time is that there is no backwards-compatibility. It will be digital or nothing. Given that this means upgrading every set you've got - and possibly your aerial as well - this may be a significant expense. There was talk of financial assistance for the elderly and those on benefit, but I haven't heard anything about that recently. Seems everybody has been left to sort themselves out.

The Lazy Cook

I don't cook - never have (I used to do the washing-up), but now I'm on my own I have to see to my own meals, and supermarket ready-meals, whilst a boon, do start to pale after a time. So I am becoming a little more adventurous, but always with an eye to minimising preparation and washing-up. So I thought from time to time I'd pass on some tips and wrinkles I've learned.

So - porridge. It's getting to that time of year where a good warm breakfast goes down well, but making porridge the traditional way - even with the so-called "quick" oats - is labour-intensive (you need to keep stirring) and leaves you with a messy saucepan to wash up. But it needn't be that way. Here's how - put equal quantities, by volume, of oats, milk and water into the bowl you are going to eat from - I have an espresso coffee cup which hold about 75ml, and I find a cupful of each just about right. Add a good sprinkling of salt and then microwave uncovered on full power for 1½ minutes (see below). Give it a stir and then microwave (still uncovered on full power) for a further 45 seconds. And there you have it! Minimum bother and minimum washing up.

Just two things to say - first, watch out - the bowl will get hot (speaks from experience)! Second, my microwave is a 650w jobby - if yours is different you need to adjust the times. Here's how - take my time and multiply by my wattage, and then divide the answer by your wattage. So, for example, if your microwave is 800w, the calculation, in seconds, is (90 x 650) / 800 = 73 seconds, and (45 x 650) / 800 = 37 seconds.

Bon appetit!

A first step?

The Chief Constable of North Wales - no stranger to controversy - has suggested that all drugs should be legalised and the law used more to control, rather than prohibit their use. All praise to him for bringing the issue out in the open for public debate, but, as I have posted before, the main problem for society lies not in the taking of drugs, but in the practicalities surrounding their supply, and I cannot see the Chief Constable's proposals solving that problem. As long as there is money to be made by supplying them, and as long as users need money to get their fix, so-called drug-related crime will continue.

...like a horse and carriage

Why get married, is a question more and more young people are asking these days - and the statistics seem to suggest that more and more of them are not finding any good reason to. What difference does a piece a paper make, is the way they see it. Surely it is the quality of the relationship that matters, not whether or not you have gone through some ritual? Well, yes, but my question to them would be - why not get married? It always seems to me that by taking a conscious decision not to get married, you are in fact tacitly accepting that the relationship may not last - otherwise why not "go public" and put your money where your mouth is, as it were. And when the relationship comes under pressure - as, depend on it, sooner or later it will - it may well be that marriage vows will be the difference between fighting to make a go of it, or just walking away.

Private is private - or should be.

A story which has been running for some weeks in the local press concerns the manager of a care-home for the elderly who, out of hours, becomes "Miss Whiplash" in her adjoining home, catering to those who are into SM and bondage. As a result of this becoming known, she is under investigation by the administrators of the care home, and may well lose her job. An under-cover reporter has written articles giving a detailed description of just what goes on. But one of these articles does make the point that she is much loved and respected in her role as manager of the home - so am I alone in thinking that, if that is the case, what the hell does it matter what she does in her own time in her own house?

The Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Christ

On this date 700 years ago, it was a Friday, and in an act which makes it rank alongside December 7th 1941 as worthy of being called "a date which will live in infamy" King Philip of France moved against the Knights Templar and had as many of them as possible - including all their leaders - arrested on a trumped-up charge of heresy and blasphemy. Under torture, many of them confessed to the most amazing and obscene acts, and this gave Philip all the cause he needed to move to commandeer their vast wealth - which was the whole grubby purpose of the exercise. And this is the origin of the superstition that Friday the thirteenth is a day to be wary of.

Work-time blues.

It has been suggested that for many people, the weekend starts on Thursday afternoon - that's when they tend to switch off from work and start thinking about what they are going to do on Saturday and Sunday. When I worked, I used to see the working week as a mountain - on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning it was all uphill, Wednesday lunchtime was the summit, and for the rest of the week I was progressively on the way down the other side. Sad, really, isn't it? If you enjoy your job, I don't suppose you think in that way at all, but to quote Thoreau: "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation"

Confused?

I see in the paper that Prince William is to join both the Navy and the RAF next year. Let's hope he doesn't get them mixed up!

Anything you can do...

Hooray for the Conservatives! Does anybody really think that the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, would have announced what, at least for the survivor of a couple, is in effect an immediate doubling of the inheritance tax threshhold in his pre-budget report if the Tories had not taken the wind out of Labour's election sails last week by stating their intention to restrict the tax to millionaires? After all, this is the same Alistair Darling who last year dismissed out of hand a suggestion by one of his own party that the tax should be eased or scrapped. To paraphrase Dr. Johnson - Depend upon it, sir, when a politician knows his electoral future is at stake, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.

Busybodies.

The mother of a severely disabled daughter wants her to have a hysterectomy to save them both the problems which might be caused by the onset of menstruation. Doctors are seeking legal advice (why??) before making any decision. Disability groups have waded in to condemn any such operation as "totally and utterly unacceptable". Why don't they keep their noses out? Here is a parent in a desperately unhappy situation seeking to do what she considers best for her child - and let's not forget it is she (the mother) who will have to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. I do not see that it is anybody else's business other than hers. She has made it clear that this is a personal decision, and she would not seek to advocate it as a general approach to this kind of situation. Everybody else should stay out of it and keep their opinions to themselves.

Must try a little harder

I'm tickled pink that England beat Australia in the quarter-finals of the Rugby World Cup, but it does once again highlight the problem of the way the result of a game is decided. I think we would all agree that the object in rugby is to score tries - so why is it then that the side who scored the only try of the game lost? I think it is high time to consider doing away with the penalty kick at goal. Take a quick tap penalty or kick for touch and get the resulting line-out by all means, but let's have the game decided on tries, eh?

Better late than never?

Went for my 'flu jab yesterday. Having had it, on the way out of the surgery I (together with everybody else) was handed a leaflet produced by the manufacturers of the vaccine. Got back to the car and had a look at it. Right at the top in bold letters it said "Read all of this leaflet carefully before you are vaccinated"!

Size matters?

There is, apparently, a "backlash" against the size-zero culture which has dominated fashion and fashion models over the last few years. John Lewis has said it is going to start using some size 14 mannequins in its window displays in an attempt to provide fashions more in tune with what the average woman can wear. Size 16, it seems, is still considered to be on the plump side. Well, Marilyn Monroe was a size 16, and she gets my vote every time!

What a fandango!

So the question of just who wrote "A Whiter Shade of Pale" is back before the courts - or to be more precise, who wrote which bits of it. The dispute centres on the organ intro. Lawyers are in court arguing the case for their two clients, but unfortunately there is no-one there to represent J. S. Bach, who certainly would have a good claim for plagiarism.

Bring back the turkey twizzler!

You don't need to be a child psychologist to know that the surest way to make a kid do something is to forbid them to, and equally the surest way to make them not do something is to tell them they must. But this basic commonsense fact seems to escaped those who are trying to get children to eat "healthier" foods, and who are now expressing surprise and dismay at the fact that the numbers eating school dinners is falling now that burger and chips is no longer allowed to be on the menu. Forcing stuff on kids that they don't want and don't like is never going to work.

Book post

(see post dated 18/11/06)

My latest ten reads -

Steve Berry - The Templar Legacy - 7
C. J. Sansom - Winter in Madrid - 8
Michael Crichton - Next - 8
Robert Harris - Imperium - 7
J. K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - 7.5
Robert Goddard - Never Go Back - 9
Paul Doherty - The Song of the Gladiator - 8
Barry Eisler - The Last Assassin - 9.5
Robert B. Parker - Sea Change - 8
Michael Jecks - The Death Ship of Dartmouth - 6

Petrol prices

Lots in the papers about the latest rise in petrol duty, which, it seems, is likely to force the pump price of unleaded to £1 a litre. But if memory serves, hasn't the £1 a litre barrier already been breached - albeit only for a short period - sometime last year? And it's worth remembering that in real terms, the price of petrol is pretty much the same today as it was 20 years ago, so we haven't really got a lot to complain about in that respect. What I do find completely unacceptable is that part of the pump price we pay is VAT, and that this is charged on a price which includes fuel duty - in other words, we are being taxed (fuel duty) and then taxed (VAT) on that tax, and that surely can't be right!

Am I missing something?

I'm not sure how you punish underperforming public service companies, but I cannot see the logic in fining them. The latest example is Thames Water which faces a fine of over £12m imposed by Ofwat for poor service to its customers. Of course this means that Thames Water will have £12m less to spend, which doubtless will result in even poorer service to its customers! Can anybody see the sense in that?

What a load of......

Go on - it's April 1st isn't it? It must be - have you seen that article in the paper giving examples of the questions in the citizenship exam which immigrants have to pass before they will be considered for British citizenship? For starters, what relevance do questions such as "What percentage of Christians in the UK are Roman Catholic?" have to one's suitability to become a citizen of this country? The questions are so obscure and immaterial as to be laughable. And at least one of them is totally wrong. The question posed is "What year did women in the UK gain the right to divorce their husband", and the multiple choice answers are (a) 1810 (b) 1857 (c) 1901 (d) 1945. The correct answer is given as (b). Wrong - completely and utterly wrong! Whatever the practicalities, the law has never made any distinction between husbands and wives in as far as the basic right to bring divorce proceedings is concerned. It is true that the Matrimonial Causes Act 1857 made it much easier for wives, but the idea that it gave them a right which they didn't have before is utterly false. This just happens to be a subject I know about, but it does make me wonder what other inaccuracies there might be.

Whither weather?

So forecasters are predicting that this winter is going to be a cold one. Presumably these are the same forecasters who told us that this summer would be another scorcher, like 2006? Mind you, last winter was so mild that they're on fairly safe ground in predicting that this one will be colder.

You can't hit me - I'm a burgler!

Jack Straw is to seek a review of the law which allows you to use "reasonable force" in self-defence. This is a tricky area. At the moment there is little doubt that most people think it has swung too far towards penalising those who "have a go", but the danger is that at the other end of the scale are cases like one which happened in the US some years ago where a couple of men who got lost in the suburbs of a city in the early hours of the morning saw lights still on at a house, and one of them went and knocked the door to seek directions. The house owner - as he later told a court, assuming that anyone knocking his door at that hour must be up to no good - took a gun, opened the door and shot the man dead. The jury agreed with him and he was acquitted of murder. So rather than tinker with the "reasonable force" law, I think it would be more constructive to consider the other side of the coin. I think it is proper to suggest that anyone engaged in an unlawful activity, by that very fact, loses any legal rights they may have in relation to that activity. So if you break into my house, steal from my shop, set upon me in the street, or whatever, I can use whatever force is necessary to restore the status quo - that is, to eject you, retrieve what you have stolen, stop you from assaulting me, and so on. My actions would be judged more by the result achieved than by the amount of force used.

The bins still need emptying

Troops who have served at least 6 months in either Iraq or Afganistan are to get a payment of £140 towards their council tax. Why? I have the greatest admiration for our troops, but cannot see the connection between what they do and council tax. Indeed, I as the sole person now living in my property, get a council tax rebate, which is just as illogical. The council still do as much (or as little) for me as they did when my wife was alive, so although the rebate is welcome, I cannot see the reasoning behind it. This payment to the troops simply smacks of an empty political "gesture", designed to deflect recent criticism of the way the armed forces are treated generally.

Blue tongue

I don't think I am particularly thick, but I do find it difficult to make sense of Defra's approach to this problem. News reports state that the infected animal has been culled to try and prevent the spread of the disease, and yet in the next breath we are told that the disease is not contagious, but is transmitted by the bite of midges carrying the virus. So does this make sense? There may have been other good reasons for slaughtering the animal - humanitarian perhaps - but it would seem that to have any effect on the probability of the disease spreading, it's the midges you need to target.

Time to give the red card the red card?

I do try not to repeat myself, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. Turned on the TV on Sunday to watch Man U v Chelsea. I support neither team and was simply looking forward to a close and entertaining match. And for just over 30 minutes, that's what I got, but then the whole thing was spoiled when a man was sent off. The fact that it was a Chelsea man, and that the decision was highly debateable was neither here nor there - it wouldn't have made any difference who it was or how clear-cut the decision was - the fact is that from that moment on, the match as a sporting spectacle was over. Given that football relies heavily on the money it gets for its TV rights, and that that in turn relies heavily on people like me paying our subcriptions to the sports channels, I think we deserve more consideration. I effectively didn't get to watch what I had paid good money to watch.

Ageism?

So you're doing your shopping in the supermarket - Morrisons in my case - and that recorded message comes over the tannoy saying they have this policy on selling alcohol, and not to be offended if you look under 21 and are asked to prove your age, and you think - right, I would be tickled pink if somebody thought I looked under 21! Well, small snippet in the paper over the weekend about a 72-year-old man who Morrisons in West Kirby refused to sell two bottles of wine to, because he refused to provide proof of his age! Mind you, I did my square-bashing in West Kirby 52 years ago and it was a strange place then - seems it hasn't changed.

Passing by on the other side.

Remember the post about the fireman who faced disciplinary proceedings for jumping into the water to save a drowning woman? Well now we have the other side of the coin - two community support officers who attended a lake where they knew a boy had got into difficulties and disappeared under the water, but did nothing other than radio for assistance. By the time the boy was found, he was dead. Much has been made of the fact that they were members of the police force, and indeed the local Assistant Chief Constable has felt the need to justify their actions, but for me that is not the issue. Assuming they could swim, surely common humanity required them to do all they could to rescue the boy, whoever they were? The ACC said that "they acted correctly" - well, maybe they did, but I wonder how many of you would have stood by and done nothing?

The special one.

No big surprise - to me at least - that Mourinho and Chelsea have parted company, but a big surprise that it has happened now. The timing seems weird, particularly as, by the look of things, there was no Plan A - or even, it would seem, a Plan B. It seems impossible to believe that this bloke Grant was meant to take over. It may, in the event, prove to be an inspired appointment, but he has no CV worthy of the name, and if Abramovich, as reported, is looking for someone who will produce an expansive and entertaining side, then on the basis of his stint as manager of the Israeli national team, this would not seem to be the man. It all has the feel of crisis management, and the danger is that some players who Mourinho has nurtured and who feel they owe him, may now look to leave the club as well.

Pixel power.

There used to be an old joke that by the time you were old enough to have accumulated enough money to buy a really good hi-fi set-up, your hearing had deteriorated to the point where you couldn't appreciate what you had paid for. I wonder if the same considerations apply to sight? I've been looking at these high definition televisions, which still cost a lot of money, albeit they are coming down, and frankly I am hard pushed to see the difference between them and ordinary sets. My eyesight is not what it was, and perhaps that's the answer, but certainly at the moment I can't see the point in paying the extra for what at best - for me - is a marginal improvement in picture quality.

Withdrawal or rout?

So how do you categorise what we have done in Iraq? It appears that the Americans are not pleased with what they see as a retreat if not an acceptance of defeat. But what was our objective? As I understood it, it was to stabilise the situation, and then hand over to the Iraqis themselves - and that is exactly what we have done. The American problem is that they do not approve of the people to whom we have handed over. I'm afraid we're back to the old business of the US definition of democracy not being the will of the people, but being what suits the US. I think we have done, and are doing exactly the right thing. Given that there's no cohesive central government, if the southern Iraqis want to have close links with Iran, that's their business and nobody else's.

Through the round window...

Not sure about this EU ruling on Microsoft. On the one hand, my natural reaction is to say "hooray for the underdog", but on the other hand, my experience of the relatively recent rush to widen consumer choice is that it brings uncertainty and confusion into the market place, and far from being of automatic benefit to the consumer, can actually cause stress, anxiety and disappointment. A lot of people have switched suppliers of things like gas, electricity, telephones and the internet only to find that, despite assurances to the contrary, cheaper prices mean a much inferior service. And some people have even lost money when their new supplier has gone out of business. So the idea that this judgment means that there will be more consumer choice in the computer software market does not fill me with as much enthusiasm as it might once have done. I tend to stick with what I have got, provided I am happy with it, and will probably continue to do so.

...and a hard place

I have no money with Northern Rock, but if I did, would I be there queuing with the rest of them to get it out? I really don't know. My head says no, it's perfectly safe, but my heart says...? It is perhaps ironic that the "don't panic" statements by the Bank of England, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Prime Minister, far from making me feel more secure, would have quite the opposite effect - think of the number of times we have been assured by those in power that there was no cause for concern, only for future events to prove that they were not only wrong, but knew they were wrong when they made those statements. So yes, chances are that I'd probably be in the queue!

Got any gum, chum?

Non-stick chewing gum - whatever next? Mind you, it's the bane of the street-cleaner's life. My local town recently repaved its central area, and within days the new paving was dotted with grey-white splodges - which are still there and multiplying. If this helps eradicate the problem then I'm all for it, although perhaps more emphasis should be put on stopping people dropping the stuff in the first place.

Just popping out for a drag.

Little snippet in a news item today - the indoor smoking ban seems to have resulted in an apparent increase in smokers in some workplaces. The reason of course is that now you can no longer smoke on the job, having a cigarette necessitates taking a break from work, and is thus an attractive proposition for many. Funny how things often have unforeseen consequences, isn't it?

Tuna chunks - warning, contains fish.

The Plain English people have been having a go at silly and unnecessary warning signs - their argument apparently being not only that they are a waste of time and money but also that we are bombarded with so many of them that we are likely to miss or ignore one that really matters - sort of like the little boy who cried wolf. You certainly wonder sometimes about the intelligence of the people who come up with these signs - or perhaps how unintelligent they think we are. A warning on a packet of sleeping tablets stating "may cause drowsiness" for example, or a fold-up push chair which warns you to remove the baby before folding it up. Is this down to stupidity or the fear of litigation?

Money, money,money.

The Wanless report on the NHS makes for thought-provoking reading - not so much for what it says about the NHS, but for what it says about this (and to a certain extent, the previous) Government's philosophy on the spending of public money. League tables, consumer choice, targets and payment by result means inevitably that those who are judged to be successful get more money and become more popular (though not necessarily better) and those who don't are doomed to a downward slide into failure. When you think about it, this so-called "market forces" philosophy is totally unsuitable for the delivery of a public service - be it health, education or whatever. An awful lot of money has been pumped into the NHS over the last few years, but thanks to this misguided approach, has produced proportionately little improvement. If Sir Derek Wanless can see this, why can't the politicians?

454 grams of potatoes, please.....

Thank goodness the EU has finally seen sense and abandoned its attempts to force metrication on the UK. I have posted before that I am sure, as my generation die out, metrication will take over - it's what's been taught in schools for decades now, and for many young people, the only system they are familiar with. But it should be for this country to decide if, when and how the change should be made, and this apparently is what the EU have finally recognised.

Shopping £3.40, parking £4.50.

A Conservative policy review is to suggest that supermarkets should be obliged to charge customers for parking. What a nerve! But wait - the review stresses that "charges would be no greater than the amount people would pay in the nearest town centre". So that's all right then - just an arm and a leg! This connects somewhat with yesterday's post - there's an increasing tendency these days for politicians to use the concept of being "green" to interfere more and more in how we live our lives - and I for one don't like it.

Tuck box police?

OK, too much junk food is bad for kids, but just how far should official policy go in discouraging it? Apparently plans are afoot here in the Midlands to give Heads of schools authority to ban sweets and crisps from school lunch boxes and to remove the temptation to go down the local chippie by preventing students from leaving the school premises at lunchtime. Methinks this goes too far. I would certainly be incensed as a parent if the contents of my child's lunch box was being censored. And what's going to happen anyway? If they're that way inclined, they're going to fill up with crisps and sweets when they get home, aren't they? And what's he matter with the odd bag of crisps anyway? Things have come to a pretty pass when you can't give your kids the occasional treat. It seems to be one of those things where the many are being punished for the sins of the few.

Update, anyone?

This time last year I was posting about the alleged plot to blow up aircraft with "liquid bombs" which resulted in airport chaos, disrupted travel plans for tens of thousands of people, and still to this day restrictions on what you are allowed to take on board. But whatever happened to those arrested? Was the threat ever realistic - there were and still are those who are experts in this field saying that it was just not a practical proposition. Isn't it funny how following the initial hysteria, it all goes quiet? Does anybody have any up-to-date info?

What's the buzz?

Have you seen these stories about bees disappearing? Everything from mobile phones through global warming and pesticides to alien abduction has been suggested, although the most likely reason is rather more prosaic - some sort of virus or parasite. Honey prices may well rise as a result, but of course the more serious consequence will be the effect on pollination, which could impact on food production generally. I think this is a matter which needs rather more attention paid to it.

None shall sleep....

Doubtless, in the manner of most things these days, the life and work of Luciano Pavarotti will be deconstructed over the next few months, and his failings - of which there were many - will be mercilessly highlighted. But for today, let us just remember the voice - certainly in his prime (say twenty or so years ago) among the greatest tenor voices of all times. Thank goodness that we are left with a treasury of his recordings. He was a big man in all senses.

Sit down for goodness sake!

So now it's official - blue smarties did make you hyper. And, it would now seem, not just blue smarties, but anything containing E 102, 104, 110, 122, 124, 129 or 211 - which seems to cover most sweets, cakes, biscuits and soft drinks - just the sort of stuff kids love. Mind you, if your kid isn't zipping around all over the place, you start thinking they must be coming down with something, don't you?

Rules of the game.

Football season is with us again, and for want of anything else to watch on TV, have been following the opening matches. What always strikes me is the extent to which some of the basic rules of the game are ignored, both by the players, and more importantly, by the referee, who is supposed to be there to see that the rules are observed. Consider for instance -
Law 8 - procedure for a kick-off. "All players are in their own half of the field". You scarcely ever see a kick-off these days where one of the players on the kicking-of side is not standing on the wrong side of the half-way line.
Law 15 - the throw in. To be taken from "the point where [the ball] crosses the touch line". You must be joking - more often than not it's several yards further upfield.
Law 12 - a direct free kick is to be awarded if a player "holds an opponent". If this law were observed properly, the game would consist almost entirely of a series of free kicks.
So does the game have rules, or doesn't it?

Please come and collect Timothy...

It seems that parents are to be held legally responsible for keeping children who are excluded from school at home and off the streets - and very right and proper too, is my immediate response. But there is an unwritten assumption here that parents are able to leave whatever they are doing and get time off work at the drop of a hat in order to deal with such an incident, and I don't think this necessarily follows - particularly as regards the sort of parents who are most likely to find themselves in that position. I'm afraid it is symptomatic of the way that parents of schoolchildren are treated generally these days - whatever happened to the concept that schools were in loco parentis?

Boom....

There have been a couple of blockbuster films in the last few years about asteroids on a collision course with the earth, and Bruce Willis or some other megastar saving the day, but it now appears that it might happen for real in 2036. Certainly scientists are taking the possibility seriously enough to develop contingency plans for dealing with the situation, should it arise. The really spooky thing is the date given for it to happen, if indeed it does, is April 13th! Thank goodness I should be long gone by then.

Theory and practice.

Feature on the breakfast programme this morning about the new extended written test for learner drivers. As an exercise, the programme makers had one of their reporters - a driver for more than 20 years with no points on his licence - sit the test. He failed. This caused some embarrassment and consternation on his part, but am I alone in thinking that what it calls far more into question is what relevance the test has to the real world of driving a car?

The old 'uns are the best.

Article about people in London renting out their drives for other people to park on, thus avoiding for them the problem of having to find a parking space, vandalism, exhorbitant parking fees etc., reminded me of an old joke about Lord Archer -

Jeffrey Archer goes to see his bank manager, and explains that he needs to borrow £100 for a couple of weeks.
“O.K.” says the manager “but in view of your current difficulties, I’m going to have to charge you 10% interest, and ask for some security”.
“Well” says Archer “I’ve got my Rolls outside. Suppose I leave that with you until I pay the money back. Will that do?”
“Fine” says the manager, and Archer hands over the keys, takes his £100 and leaves.
A fortnight later, he returns, pays the manager £110 and reclaims his car.
“I hope you don’t mind me asking” says the manager “but why on earth should a person with all your money need to borrow £100?”
“Look at it this way” says Archer “I was going out of the country for a couple of weeks. Where else could I have got secure parking for my Rolls for a tenner?”