You couldn't make it up...

If you're in a Government office in Norwich and need a toilet seat repaired, where would you go to get that done? A firm in Norwich you would think. But no - if your Department has a maintenance contract with some big national firm, then it's down to them to fix it, and they may decide to send someone from Birmingham to do the job. This has actually happened, and is but one example of workmen being sent long distances to carry out trivial maintenance tasks. In another case a workman was sent from London to Cheshire to replace some light bulbs. Although on the face of it, the loser in all this is the maintenance firm, presumably the costs involved are factored in to the contract cost and at a time when we can ill afford to waste public money, this is something which badly needs sorting.

Music Man

So the most heard classical piece of music over the last 75 years is "O Fortuna" from Carl Orff's "Carmina Burana". I say "heard" rather than "listened to" because its position as No. 1 is down almost entirely to its use in various advertisements and other commercial situations over the years, and particularly in recent times to its use on X Factor. In other words, people are finding themselves listening to it, rather than choosing to do so. Not that it is not a stirring piece of music but I would imagine that it would come rather further down the list of classical music listened to by choice. Orff is one of those "one-shot wonder" composers who is known almost exclusively for this one work. The words come from a collection of medieval poems mainly about love and gambling and "O Fortuna" is a complaint against the vagaries of Lady Luck.

Strip search?

I don't want to trivialise what is a serious issue, but following the "shoe bomber" incident, I understand that would-be air passengers now have to take off their shoes for examination before being allowed through security. So now that we have had what might be termed an "underpants bomber" where does that leave us?

Us and them.

Comparisons are being drawn between an incident in Sussex where a gang of youths pelted a police car with snowballs, and the police seemed to take it in good part describing it as "harmless fun" and a similar incident a few days ago in Washington, where an off-duty cop drew his gun after having snowballs thrown at him. Is this an example of British commonsense as opposed to American hotheadedness, or is it more about armed police versus non-armed police? If our coppers had had guns, would things have turned out differently? We've talked about this before in connection with other things, but if you give people power, then they tend to use it - maybe in ways that you hadn't foreseen. And the moral of the story is....?

Ha ha

Christmas cracker jokes either leave you groaning or have you rolling in the aisles. This one really tickled me - and no, I'd only had one glass of wine -
What do you call someone who used to have an interest in agricultural equipment?
- An extractor fan!

Ethics 101?

A vicar has been taken to task for suggesting, from his pulpit, that shoplifting from a large supermarket would be preferable to burglary, mugging or prostitution if you were desperate for money. Obviously this man is far too sensible to be a vicar! The problem with the Church - indeed with religion generally - is that it sees everything in terms of right and wrong, black and white, whereas those of us in the real world are faced daily with dealing in shades of grey. Turn this argument round, and those who are criticising what was said are presumably saying that if you're going to do wrong, then there's no difference between nicking something from Asda and thumping an old lady and stealing her purse, so you might as well flip a coin to see which to do. And if you really believe that, then I'm sorry for you.

It's Christmas!

Compliments of the season to one and all.

Christmas trivia

In "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" the hero identifies the cup of Christ by the fact that it is a simple wooden cup - "...now that's the cup of a carpenter". But was he? This is based on the assumption that he would follow his father's trade, and the bible tells us that Joseph was a carpenter. But the original Greek word is tekton and the translation of this as "carpenter" is simplistic at best. The idea that he was just a simple woodworker is almost certainly wide of the mark. He was more likely a builder, probably with men working for him. Perhaps understandably, the bible wishes to portray Jesus and his family as simple peasants (born in a manger and all that) but the probability is that they were people of some social status.

The Lazy Cook.

Bit bored with garlic bread? Don't know whether it's a seasonal offer, but my supermarket are doing small jars of crushed garlic and crushed ginger, so...

Mix together a good dessert-spoon of butter (or marg) with a teaspoon of crushed garlic and half a teaspoon of crushed ginger. Take a small French stick and make diagonal cuts about an inch apart not quite all the way through. Pack these cuts with the butter mixture, wrap the whole stick in tinfoil and cook at 180c (160 fan) for about 15 minutes.

And there you have it - garlic bread with a kick.

Christmas trivia

We made a big thing out of New Tear's Eve 1999 didn't we? Start of the new millennium and all that. Except that strictly it wasn't, because there was no year 0, so the first 1000 years weren't completed until midnight on the 31st December 1000, and equally the second millennium didn't start until 1st January 2001. This is all the fault of a monk called Dionysius who was given the job in the 6th century of determining the year in which Jesus was born. Nobody knows just how he came up with the answer he did but he set this year as 1AD, and the year immediately before as 1BC - so there you are - no year 0. Actually it is now pretty well agreed that he got it wrong anyway, and that Jesus was most likely born in 6 or 7BC.

Do we still need the Holocaust?

The theft of the "Arbeit macht frei" sign from the gate at Auschwitz has understandably brought cries of outrage from those who see it as part of a neo-Nazi plot to discredit what happened there. I am not a Jew and therefore cannot fully appreciate the almost visceral race memory they have over these events. But what about the rest of us? After all, there have been many more genocide horrors both before and since the Second World War - so what makes this special? Symbolism I think - the fact that this happened in Western Europe where we're supposed to be civilised, rather than in some more remote part of the world where - stereotypically - savagery is more to be expected. I think it must have been an urban myth, because I can find no reference to it, but when I was in Germany in the 50s I was told that at the entrance to one of these concentration camps a sign had been erected which read (and apologies if my German is not perfect) "Um die Töten nie vergessen werden, und um die Lebenden nie vergessen sollten" - which translates as "So that the dead may never be forgotten, and that the living may never be allowed to forget". And that I reckon just about says it all.

Christmas trivia

I've already mentioned that Oliver Cromwell banned the eating of mince pies back in the 17th century. In fact he went much further than that - he banned Christmas! Well, not strictly - what he banned was the celebration of Christmas. He was a Puritan, and Puritans believed that religion was a serious business, and there was no place for any sort of merrymaking. So as far as they were concerned December 25th was just another day. The Puritan church was a plain building with no statues or stained-glass windows - nothing to distract you from concentrating on the worship of God. But the Puritan reign was short-lived and the ban on celebrating Christmas was lifted after just 13 years.

Tuck box police again.

A school in Liverpool has apparently suspended one of its pupils for selling crisps to other students at an inflated price. I don't know whether it was the fact that this was "unhealthy" food, or the fact that he was making a profit (or both) which led them to take this action, but either way it raises the question once again of the way schools choose to exercise their powers over pupils. The more schools retreat from their basic duty to be fully in loco parentis the more they seem to latch on to trivial areas in which to wield the big stick. It's as though they feel the need to do something, and now they have to be careful not to even look at children the wrong way for fear of complaint they seek out other ways of imposing their authority. Time to get back to basics I feel.

Christmas trivia

Perhaps the most misunderstood of the Christmas stories is the one of the Three Kings. Because the bible story does not say they were kings, or even that there were three of them. According to Matthew, they were Magi, (usually given in English as "wise men") and the Magi were Zoroastrian priests and astrologers. Certainly not royalty. And the idea that there were three of them comes solely from the fact that they presented the baby Jesus with three gifts - gold, frankincense and myrrh. All we know about them is that they came "from the East", and nobody has really been able to come up with a satisfactory explanation of the star that they said they were following. And having done their bit, they are never heard of again.

How much longer?

The Government has announced plans to buy several more Chinook helicopters for use in Afghanistan. But these will not be available for another 3-4 years. Am I missing something, or is this a tacit admission that we shall still be there, still fighting (and dying) for at least another three or four years?

Christmas trivia.

Why holly and mistletoe? Mistletoe is a much older tradition going back to Celtic times. The oak tree was particularly sacred to the Celtic Druids, and this is one of the trees mistletoe grows on, so by association it also developed mystic powers. The fact that it fruits in the dead of winter probably added to the mystique. An old Norse tradition says that embracing under a mistletoe bough is an expression of eternal friendship, which is doubtless where our custom of kissing under the mistletoe comes from. Holly is essentially a Christian symbol - indeed the original name of the holly tree was the holy tree. The symbolism is green leaves to represent the crown of thorns and red berries to represent Christ's blood. The same red-green symbolism is of course seen in poinsettias, which are common Christmas plants in other parts of the world where they don't have holly.

Condemned out of his own mouth?

Two quotes from Tony Blair -

25th February 2003: "I detest his [Saddam's] regime. But even now he can save it by complying with the UN’s demand [to give up his weapons of mass destruction]. Even now, we are prepared to go the extra step to achieve disarmament peacefully."

Last Sunday: "[Even if I had known there were no weapons of mass destruction] I would still have thought it right to remove him".

Christmas trivia.

Santa Claus is of course a mangled version of St. Nicholas (almost certainly via the Dutch Sinter Klaas). St. Nicholas was a real person who lived towards the end of the 3rd, and beginning of the 4th centuries AD. He was a bishop of the early church, and by all accounts was a good man who devoted much of his life to collecting money from the rich and distributing it to the poor - particularly children - which is doubtless where the idea of Santa bringing presents to children originated. The reindeer didn't make an appearance until the early 1800s when somebody (there is a dispute as to exactly who) wrote a poem entitled "A Visit from St Nicholas". The title may not mean anything to you, but I bet you all know the opening lines - 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... And this is the first we hear of Santa riding on a sleigh being pulled by eight reindeer (Rudolph of course was a much later addition). And by the way, if the reindeer are pictured as having antlers, then they're female! Male reindeer have lost their antlers by Christmastime, Around the same time as the poem, the image of Santa that we have today - a fat, jolly, ruddy-faced man with a white beard and dressed in red - began to emerge, and was most famously taken up by the Coca-Cola company around 1930 to use in its advertisements.

Just how Scottish is Scotch?

Have you seen the story of the Norfolk distillery which is now producing English whisky? First time in over a hundred years that the golden spirit has been produced in this island south of the border apparently. What caught my attention though was the fact that the majority of barley used by the Scots to produce their whisky is grown in England anyway.

Christmas trivia

Mince pies - a staple of Christmas, but why on earth is the filling called "mincemeat"? Well, originally it did contain meat, and was a way of preserving it by mixing it with fruit, spices and alcohol. But because the taste was essentially sweet, and as other ways were found of preserving meat it changed over the centuries into the dessert fruit pie we are used to today. Many mince pie recipes still use suet which today is the only remaining connection with its original meat-based origins. The association with Christmas is more of a mystery - the best guess (and that really is all that it is) is that the spices used were those brought back from the Holy Land by the Crusaders and therefore the original pies - which were big main-course pies - were seen as having religious significance, and as the shape was somewhat reminiscent of a cradle (they tended to sag in the middle), they were considered of particular relevance at Christmas. It was considered to be particularly lucky to eat a mince pie on each of the twelve days of Christmas. In the 17th century they were banned by Oliver Cromwell who was opposed to anything which gave people pleasure. Today you must leave one out for Father Christmas, who is very partial to them, as witnessed by his girth!

Ha ha.

The best my retirement magazine could come up with this time was, once again, not so much a joke as a comment on contemporary life -

An elderly lady rings up a hospital. The following conversation take place:
- Hello, I'd like some information on a patient, a Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just wanted to know if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
- Do you know which ward she is in?
- Yes, ward 17, room 2B
- Just a minute, I'll put you through to the nurse station
- Hello, ward 17, how can I help?
- I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
- I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved, She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.
- Oh, that's wonderful news. I'm so happy. Thank you ever so much.
- You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?
- No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. Nobody tells me anything!

Christmas trivia.

As we're entering the run-up to Christmas, I thought I'd look at some of the questions which crop up every year at around this time. So, first off - is it acceptable to use Xmas as a shorthand form of Christmas, or is it just sloppy and irreverent? Not at all - in Greek the word for Christ is Christos and, written in the Greek script the first two letters are Chi and Rho. Chi looks very similar to our capital X and rho a bit like our lower-case p. Early Christians amalgamated these two letters into a single symbol representing Christ. The symbol can still be seen in churches today - here's an example:








We can't cope with this symbol in our alphabet of course, and so a capital X has long been accepted as an alternative. So Xmas is a perfectly acceptable way of writing Christmas - what you mustn't do of course is pronounce it as Ex-mass. That would be wrong!

The computer says...

Following on from yesterday's post, it has been pointed out that the projections of the extent of future global warming have to be taken seriously because they are based on computer models, as though somehow the fact that they have been produced by computers gives them the status of Holy Writ. I think I've mentioned before that I go back to the early days of computers, when for the most part you had to write your own programs. Stuck to the side of my computer used to be a piece of paper with GIGO written on it. It was an acronym much used at the time (although there never seemed to be any agreement as to whether it should be pronounced jee-go or ghee-go) but it stood for "Garbage in, Garbage out" and was a constant reminder that what a computer produces is only as good as the data it is given and the program it is asked to run. Putting it baldly, if you ask a computer the wrong questions, you cannot be surprised if it comes up with the wrong answers. So I think we need to know a little more about how these models were constructed, and what assumptions they were based on before we pass judgment.

Global Warming.

I am trying to make some sense of all the conflicting comments around at the moment on this issue. It seems to me that there are four questions -
1. Is global warming taking place?
2. If it is, how serious a problem is it?
3. If it is, to what extent is it being cause by human activity?
4. If it is down to human activity, what can (or should) we do about it?
The only question with anything like a definitive answer it seems to me is question 1. Although average temperatures have been pretty stable over the last decade or so, the general trend over the best part of the last couple of centuries is upwards and there is little doubt that this is causing things like an increase in the melting of the polar ice-caps. As regards the other questions, it is difficult if not impossible to get a straight answer. And I think this is probably because if truth be told, we simply don't know. People are making best guesses, which may prove in the event to be wide of the mark. I've said before that I think that reducing the amount of "greenhouse gasses" that we put into the atmosphere is a good idea in any event, but I question the morality of pushing developing countries back into poverty over what at present are no more than a collection of mainly unsubstantiated theories. Mind you, I'm glad I'm not the one having to take those decisions.

Where did that word come from?

You have to be of a certain age to remember the 1960 film "La Dolce Vita", which was an exploration of, and possibly an indictment of the hedonistic life-style of the "beautiful people" of Rome of the time. One of the minor characters is a photographer called Paparazzo (I don't think we ever know his first name) who makes his living by taking candid - and if possible, compromising - photos of celebrities to sell to the gutter press. His name very quickly became synonymous with that type of photographer and, being Italian, when there was more than one of them you used the plural - paparazzi.

A life well lived.

Richard Todd who has died at the age of 90. Known mainly for his roles in war films - particularly "The Dam Busters" - he was in fact a serving soldier in the Second World War, and among the first to be parachuted into Europe following the D-Day landings. In the film "The Longest Day" he played his commanding officer of the time, Major John Howard, and in one scene, as Howard, he is talking to himself, played by another actor. And if Ian Fleming had had his way, he would have been the first James Bond. His life was scarred by losing two of his sons, both of whom committed suicide, but true to the characters he played on screen, he met that tragedy with quiet dignity and a stiff upper lip. When asked what it meant to be British, he said it meant "fairness, good sense, decency, kindness and politeness". They don't make them like that any more. And please, please, please, PLEASE, don't remake The Dam Busters.

An undigested bit of beef...?

Sort of trick trivia question - quickly now, how many ghosts visited Ebenezer Scrooge in Dickens's "A Christmas Carol"? The immediate reaction is to say three: the ghosts of Christmas past, Christmas present and Christmas yet to come. But what you have to remember is that the whole thing started off by Scrooge being visited by the ghost of Jacob Marley, his one-time business partner, so the proper answer is four. Try it on your friends - but don't give them too long to think about it.

Here's looking at you...

Marilyn Monroe - sex icon of my youth - is "buried" (not quite the right word, but don't know what would be) in a vault in a Memorial Park in California. There are other vaults around, below and above hers. The bloke who owned the vault immediately on top of hers, knowing that this would be his final resting place, insisted on being placed face down in his coffin. How great is that? Actually of course, the story is slightly spoiled because it won't be his final resting place. The story has come to light as a result of his widow moving his remains and putting the vault up for sale. Somebody's paid the best part of £3m to "spend eternity next to Marilyn". Cheap at the price, says I.

Sign of the times?

Apparently a large proportion of programmes on the main TV channels this Christmas will be repeats. Is this an indication that in the present economic climate they haven't got the money to spend, or is it an acknowledgment that the old shows are so much better than what's being put out today?

Easy peasy.

I don't claim any credit for this, but here's a nice little mnemonic for remembering the names and order of the planets. So, going outward from the sun -

My (Mercury)

Very (Venus)

Easy (Earth)

Method (Mars)

Just (Jupiter)

Speeds (Saturn)

Up (Uranus)

Naming (Neptune)

Planets (Pluto - OK there's some dispute as to whether Pluto is really a planet or not)

You belong to me.

I'm not sure that the current preoccupation with Tiger Woods reflects very well on us, the public. Here's someone who just wishes to do what he does particularly well, and to be judged on that basis. What he does outside his sport is private and none of our business. But it seems we are not prepared for that to be so. We consider him to be public property and as such every aspect of his life is ours to scrutinise, deconstruct and criticise. And the more he retreats into his shell the more vociferous we become and the more insistent that it is our "right to know". Speaking personally, I feel rather ashamed by the whole business.