Hasta la vista

Off on holiday for a week with the kids. We're going to Lanzarote - volcanic ash permitting. I never thought I would be going abroad again, but I see it as another step on the road to getting my life back to something approaching normality. Wish me luck.

Ha ha.

Remembering how, as a young lad, I spent what seemed like hours in church (chapel actually) bored to tears, I really liked this quote from George Burns -
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."

It's still 1984.

Apparently nobody tells lies any more - they merely "misspeak".

Softly and gently...

Bloody hell - did you see the final episode of "Ashes to Ashes"? Whoooo.... who'd have believed it - Gene Hunt as the angel of purgatory? OK so you can argue that it left several loose ends flapping in the wind, but it sure made sense of the overall structure of the series, and indeed of "Life on Mars" which preceded it. This was the BBC at its best. A Gerontius for the 21st century. Ten out of ten to all concerned.

The flag still flies.

Amid all the doom and gloom and confusion which is around at present, it is heartening to see that the real spirit of Britain is still out there - we are making an attempt on the land speed record for a lawnmower which is currently held by an American. And the driver is the grandson of Sir Malcolm Campbell. Does your heart good, doesn't it?

Mandate - what mandate?

It can be assumed that those who voted in the recent election - at least those who thought about it - did so on the basis of what the various parties set out in their manifestos as their intended policies should they be elected. But on Wednesday we were presented with a document detailing what the coalition intend to do - which is a manifesto for which nobody voted, or indeed will have any opportunity of voting for - it is simply a fait accompli. Which raises the rather interesting question of what legitimacy the coalition have to pursue these policies - particularly those which did not appear in that form in either of their manifestos.

Five rings.

The Olympics - that's a Greek idea, yes? No? Well, it's French then - Baron de Coubertin and all that? No? Where then? Did you say Much Wenlock? What the....! But the fact of the matter is that back in the mid-1850s the local doctor in that small Shropshire market town, Dr. William Penny Brookes organised a sports club with the idea of giving the local males something to do other than go down the pub and called it the Wenlock Olympian Society. Annual competitions called the Wenlock Olympics were organised with many events we would recognise today and with laurel crowns and medallions for the victors. In 1890 de Coubertin came to have a look, and the rest, as they say, is history. So remember Much Wenlock in 2012.

The seventh veil?

We're spending more than half as much time again on the internet as we did three years ago, it would seem, and the majority of that extra time is spent on social network sites. I've had my say about Facebook in particular and social networking in general, and I won't go over it all again. In any event I accept that I'm the one out of step here. I do wonder though if people at some point in the future are going to regret laying their life bare to all and sundry. Socialising through the internet differs from face to face contact not just in the number of people you are in effect talking to, but also because what you say or show is potentially there for all time, and I understand is very difficult to remove. I suppose you could say the same about this (or any other) blog, but I'm always careful not to post anything which I am not prepared for anyone to see now or in the future. There are limits as to how much of myself I am prepared to reveal - I wish I could say the same for my grandchildren. It worries me.

Where now for the red flag?

So now we have to deal with a leadership contest for the Labour Party. When I started this blog back in '05 it was the Conservatives who were going through the process, and I made a few comments then. I certainly got it wrong about Cameron, didn't I? But then, I never thought that Gordon Brown would turn out quite as bad as he did. So what about Labour? The Milliband brothers have the Cameron/Clegg look, don't they? And that seems to be flavour of the month at the moment. Will Ed Balls throw his hat into the ring? To have a leader with a name like Balls certainly seems to be offering a hostage to fortune. And where are the female candidates? I will be keeping an eye on developments.

There's a hole in my picture, dear Liza....

Heard about the bloke who has spent over seven years doing a 5000 piece jigsaw - only to find that there's one piece missing? And just to put the icing on his cake, because he's spent so long completing it, the firm who made it have stopped producing that particular jigsaw and therefore cannot supply him with the missing piece.

Memories.

TV are putting on a drama about the life of Boy George, and this brought to mind one of my two claims to fame - in the late 70s (can't be more precise) I bumped into him (literally) in Oasis in Birmingham - of course he wasn't Boy George then, just a rather weirdly exotic worker there, and it was only later that I realised who it was that I had clobbered. My other claim to fame is that I once scored a goal against Tony Macedo - who went on to keep goal for Fulham and was rated as one of the best goalkeepers in the country - indeed had he not been born in Gibraltar and therefore ineligible, he would almost certainly have played for England. OK so it was only a kick-around on the grass, with coats for goal posts but I did manage to put one past him. Actually, thinking about it I could make a third claim but that would involve going into slightly indelicate details, so we won't go there.

Let's not be silly.

One of the most fatuous statements which continues to be made about the recent election is that voters voted "for" a hung parliament. Of course they didn't - they voted for individual MPs and the mathematics produced a hung parliament. Quite a different thing.

Steady as she goes.

One of the more sensible suggestions to come out of the new Con-LibDem coalition government is that of the fuel price stabiliser. The idea is that if fuel prices rise, fuel tax will fall, and equally if fuel prices fall, fuel tax will rise - the effect will be to hold forecourt prices reasonably steady. Of course, what hasn't been decided (or at least publicised) yet, is what that reasonably steady price will be, but it has to be a step in the right direction.

...riding through the glen...

The new film of "Robin Hood" has made a big play of being historically accurate - but of course the problem is that there is virtually no history to be accurate towards. The story of Robin Hood comes to us via street ballads going back to the 14th century and beyond, and these can hardly be considered as providing an historical basis for the story. On the other hand, the story of Prince John trying to usurp power while King Richard (the Lionheart) was away at the crusades is historically accurate, although John does not seem to have acted any more badly towards the ordinary people than was the norm for the time. An interesting suggestion by the way, for which there is some arguable evidence, is that "robinhood" started out as simply a generic term for an outlaw who preyed on vulnerable travellers - a sort of early highwayman - and then took on a life of its own.

Voting reform.

So it looks like there's a real possibility we might switch to the ATV way of voting (which apparently we must now call AV). What do you mean - what's that? You haven't been paying attention! Read my post dated 31/5/2009 - and I shall be testing you later! But the point is, will it make any difference? Nobody really knows, but I've seen suggestions that it would produce an increase of maybe a third in seats for the LibDems, and perhaps between 1 and 2% more for Labour, both at the expense of the Conservatives. So although it's nowhere near PR, it would almost certainly produce a hung parliament most of the time - which really will satisfy nobody and might be considered the worst of all possible worlds.

Brrrr...

Would you believe that last Saturday was World Naked Gardening Day? I don't know where this idea originated, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't here!

R.I.P.

Lena Horne - the more you listen to singers (male and female) of her generation, the more you realise how rubbish the current crop are.

Is PR really such a fair system?

It's easy to see why the Tories are so opposed to the idea of proportional representation - just look at the maths. Even in this last election, where Labour did pretty abysmally, and the LibDems only averagely, between them they commanded more than 50% of the votes cast, and thus under PR could have formed a majority coalition. And this is what almost inevitably would have happened - the LibDems are naturally ideologically aligned with Labour. And so it would be for the foreseeable future - a series of Lib-Lab coalitions with the Tories in permanent opposition. Of course this assumes that the parties would stay as they are, and that the electorate would continue to vote as they now do - but you can see why it has no attraction for the Conservatives.

Disenfranchised?

With polling stations open for 15 hours from 7.00 in the morning until 10.00 at night, it's hard to understand why there should have been people who were turned away without being able to cast their vote. Did a lot of people unwisely leave it to the last minute? Did some councils seek to save money by cutting the number of staff in the polling stations, or printing fewer ballot papers? Was everybody caught out by an increase (though not that massive an increase) in voter turnout? Or is the root of the problem that we insist on holding elections on a working day? There's nothing other than tradition that says it has to be a Thursday, but the Representation of the People Act 1983 does say that it must be an ordinary weekday. Perhaps it is time to look at this again. Most other European countries hold their elections on a Sunday - or the other possibility would be to declare election day a public holiday. But I think there are lessons which need to be learned.

Where was Moses when the lights went out?

So where has this election left us? It's said that the electorate get the government they deserve, and in this case it would seem the non-government they deserve. It will be interesting, if a little depressing, to watch the twisting and squirming as the parties seek to position themselves for what they see a their best advantage, whilst always maintaining that they are acting in the "national interest". For what it's worth, my money would be on some sort of "confidence and supply" deal whereby the LibDems agree for a certain specific period (say two years), not to vote to bring down a minority Tory government (by supporting legislation they agree with, and abstaining when they don't). But it's a real dog's breakfast.

R.I.P.

First it was Ed McBain, then Dick Francis, and now I learn of the death of Peter O'Donnell who wrote all those wonderful Modesty Blaise books. Perhaps it's a generational thing, but today's thrillers just don't seem to have the class and style that these writers in particular were able to produce time after time. It was always such a delight to pick up a new 87th Precinct book, or the latest Dick Francis or a new Modesty Blaise - but now all that is past. Sic transit...

X marks the spot

So - election day, and time perhaps for a few thoughts on what the media are assuring us has been the most exciting and energising campaign in recent memory. Well, I have to say I have not found it so - in fact for me it has been one of the most depressing elections I can remember. The interesting point is that the reason for the media's excitement and my depression is the same thing - the Prime Ministerial debates. Because for me, this is a prostitution of what elections should be about. When you put your cross on the form, you should be voting for the person you wish to be your MP, simple as that. Unfortunately for decades there has been a growing tendency to vote for a party rather than a person - you know the old joke that you could put up a stuffed monkey as a candidate, and provided it was wearing the right coloured rosette, there would be people who would vote for it. And now it seems we are being encouraged to vote purely on the basis of who we want to be Prime Minister - if ever there was a case of putting the cart before the horse...!

Ha ha.

An old lady, who lived alone with just her cat, Prince, for company, had come across a battered exotic-looking oil lamp in her attic. Tentatively she gave it a rub, and lo and behold a genie appeared in a puff of smoke. "I can grant you three wishes" he said. "Well" said the old lady "I would like to be really rich". "Done" said the genie, and she found herself in a sumptuous mansion with gold and jewels all over the place. "And your second wish?" asked the genie. "Oh, I would really like to be young and beautiful again" said the old lady, and suddenly there she was, once again in the full flush of youth. "And your last wish?" said the genie. The now young and beautiful girl thought for a minute and then said "I wish you could turn my cat Prince into a handsome young man", and so it was, and the genie disappeared in another puff of smoke. The young girl looked at the handsome young man with longing, and he moved sensuously towards her and whispered in her ear "I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered now, don't you?"

Oh Voltaire, we need you now!

Have a look at this from the Public Order Act 1986, section 5 -
"A person is guilty of an offence if he - (a) uses threatening, abusive or insulting words or behaviour, or disorderly behaviour or (b) displays any writing, sign or other visual representation which is threatening, abusive or insulting - within the hearing or sight of a person likely to be caused harassment, alarm or distress thereby."
Given that, as I have often mentioned before, there are people out there who go around looking for things to take exception to, this is a dangerously vague and wide-ranging constraint on the expression of views. It has come to light because of the case of a "street preacher" who was arrested under the provisions of the above section of the Act for saying (correctly) that homosexuality is classified as a sin in the Bible. Whatever your views are on sexual behaviour, is this really a proper use of the Act, and does its use in this way really represent the sort of country we want to live in?

Pareto rules OK?

If you had a graph with "effort" along the horizontal axis and "result" up the vertical one, what would you expect? Probably that the ensuing line would be a straight rising diagonal - that is, twice the effort would produce twice the result, five times the effort, five times the result and so on. But almost certainly this wouldn't be so - what you would get would be an initially steeply rising line which then more or less flattens out and the point at which it starts to flatten out would be where "effort" was about 20% and "result" about 80%. This is known as the Pareto Principle, and states that in most areas of human endeavour, 80% of output comes from 20% of input. It is also known as The Law of Diminishing Returns, which says that there comes a point at which putting more resources in produces less and less of an improvement in whatever it is you are trying to achieve. So what relevance has this to everyday life? Well, for example, it tells you that if you're cleaning your house, or weeding your garden, you can do around 80% of it in 20% of the time it would take you to do the whole job. If you look in your wardrobe, you will probably find that you wear 20% of your clothes 80% of the time, and the same proportions almost certainly extend to your use of things like your record or book collection. What you do with this information is of course another matter, but it's food for thought, isn't it?

English as she is spoke.

I was out doing my usual morning walk yesterday and I invariably pass and say "Hello" to a particular lady at a particular point, but yesterday she wasn't there. And then I saw this figure approaching in the distance and thought to myself "that's her", and then - weird this - I clearly heard the voice of my old English teacher inside my head saying "...that is she, Random, that is she!". But has this rule that the verb "to be" must be followed by the nominative any real validity today? It seems to have taken root in the 17th or 18th centuries, and to be based on the idea that as the Romance languages are all derivatives of classical Latin, they should follow the grammatical rules of that language, and certainly in Latin there is such a rule. But as I've said before more than once, language is essentially work in progress and - certainly in speech - is constantly developing. I would guess that 90% or more of people would automatically say "it's me" rather than "it is I". So as is often the case, we have grammatical correctness versus common usage - and you take your pick.

Vive la difference?

The case of the teacher who was acquitted of attempted murder after hitting a pupil over the head with a dumbbell highlights a rather strange distinction the law makes between murder and attempted murder. To prove a charge of murder, you must show that the accused did what he/she did with the intention to kill or at the least to cause really serious bodily harm, whereas on a charge of attempted murder there must be an intention to kill - nothing less will do. Why there is this distinction is not clear but it may have something to do with the fact that murder is a common law offence (one of the few left on the books) whereas attempted murder is an offence created by statute.