Ha ha

A pensioner's wife rang him as he was driving home.  "Henry", she said "I've just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M6 - please be careful".  Henry said "It's not just one car - there's hundreds of them!".

Not again!

Classic FM have produced their Hall of Fame for 2016 (see 21/4/15) and guess what's number 1? Yes, that damned lark is still ascending!

Hit the snooze button...

I was intrigued to see yesterday in my Google calendar described as Easter Monday (Regional Holiday) - what's with this "regional"?  Then I found, thanks to a friend of a friend, that it is not officially a holiday in Scotland - although many people and businesses treat it as such.  So I looked a little further into it, and it becomes more and more complex.  It seems that firstly you have to differentiate between public holidays and bank holidays.  Public holidays get their authority from the common law, and there are only two of them - Good Friday and Christmas Day.  Bank holidays get their authority (currently) from the Banking and Financial Dealings Act 1971 which specifies Easter Monday, the last Mondays in May and August and Boxing Day, but also provides for other dates to be added by Royal Proclamation - and New Year's Day and May Day have been added under this provision.  These dates however only apply in England and Wales - the Act specifies different schedules for Scotland and Northern Ireland to allow for things like St Andrew's and St Patrick's Days, and crucially for what we are discussing here, Easter Monday is not included in the Scotland list.

And the bride wore...

Interesting fact I came across the other day is that the "tradition" that the bride wears white only goes back to Queen Victoria.  Prior to that, red was considered the appropriate colour for a bridal dress and white had connotations with death and mourning.  Victoria's choice of white was seen as pretty revolutionary at the time, but was quickly picked up by the society press of the day as symbolic of purity and innocence and soon became the fashion, and remains so to this day.

Nannies in the park?

Is a pram the same as a push-chair?  Well, no it's not.  You don't see many prams these days, but effectively it's a bed on wheels -  four big wheels, and the baby occupant lies down flat.  A push-chair. as the name suggests, is a chair - a chair on small wheels, where the occupant sits.  So what? Well on the game-show "The Chase" - which I watch from time to time - a contestant was asked what the UK equivalent of the US "stroller" was and was told her answer of "pram" was incorrect and the right answer was push-chair.  Lot of people gone on Twitter and such to say they're the same thing. But, as explained above, they're not. Perhaps not a particularly well constructed question, but the answer she gave was wrong.

Le sac du chien?

Bit of a fuss over a Mayfair restaurant refusing to allow a customer to take home their left-overs.  The "doggy bag" is pretty traditional in America (where they tend to serve much bigger portions than over here) but this side of the pond it's not so common. But you've paid for it, so it could be argued that it's yours to do with as you please, and if, for whatever reason, you don't finish it at the table, you should be able to take what's left away with you.  The restaurant in question has refused to comment, but it has been suggested that the objection might have come from the chef, who might fear his reputation could be tarnished if his food is not consumed under ideal conditions - like having been allowed to go cold and then warmed up in your microwave for instance.  More likely I think is the restaurant's fear of being sued if such re-heating were to result in food poisoning (rice is particularly dodgy I understand).  I've never had the problem - I always clear my plate!

Here, pussy, pussy...

Oh dear, I was really hoping I wasn't going to have to explain Schrödinger's cat (see 23rd March), but here goes.  Quantum mechanics says that a subatomic particle can be in more than one state at the same time - until it is observed.  So - as a sort of joke - Schrödinger came up with the idea of putting a cat in a box with a very weak source of radioactivity, a geiger counter and a vial of poison gas.  There's a 50-50 chance that over the course of an hour the radioactive source will decay and emit a particle. If this happens, it will be picked up by the geiger counter and this will release the gas and the cat will die. The box is put away out of sight and sound for an hour. The question is - is the cat alive or dead?  Obviously if you open the box you will find out - but before you do?  Schrödinger maintained that, according to quantum theory, until you open the box, the cat is both alive and dead - in a so-called "superposition". Opening the box forces the superposition to collapse into one of the two possible outcomes.  In the same way, observing a subatomic particle forces it to adopt a particular state.  No, I don't really understand it either, but that's the best I can do.

Same difference?

Oh, for the days when people played sport for fun!  Simply for the pleasure of it. Those days I fear have long, long passed.  Today it's all about money.  And combine that with the recent rise in "feminism" and it makes for a potentially toxic mix.  So - tennis.  At the top level, men play over five sets, women over three. In general, the men's game pulls in more spectators than the women do - though there have been exceptions. So should men be paid more?  I think there's little doubt that at Wimbledon, the male champion has potentially to work some 66% harder for his title than his female counterpart, and yet the prize money is the same.  Is this fair?  I'm keeping my powder dry, but what do you think?

Ha ha

Schrödinger - "How's my cat, Doc?"
Vet - "I have good news and bad news..."

What's the difference?

How do you feel about this idea that all schools should become Academies?  I think I've mentioned before that in my opinion, the closer you can get decision making to the "sharp end" the better that decision making is likely to be.  I'm a great believer in the "lowest level of competence" approach (see 12/4/09). And the point about Academies is that, as regards schools, decision making is taken out of the hands of local authorities and put in the hands of the teachers - well, head teacher actually - and clearly this has the potential to result in decisions being made in the best interests of the school rather than the best interests of local politicians.

Goodbyeee

Flicking through the channels the other day, I found myself watching that fantastic final episode of "Blackadder Goes Forth".  Seen it umpteen times - including its original broadcast, but had never really appreciated before that perhaps the crucial quote is Captain Darling's when he finds himself (unwillingly) at the "front" just before going over the top.  After Baldrick and George have both confessed to feeling scared, Blackadder says "How are you feeling Darling?" and he comes up with what I feel must be the "everyman" response - "Erm, not all that good, Blackadder -- rather hoped I'd get through the whole show; go back to work at Pratt & Sons; keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen; marry Doris... Made a note in my diary on my way here. Simply says,"Bugger." And there I think he must have been speaking for so many at the time.

Y Tu Mamá También

When does a factual statement about race become racist?  The question arises because an English rugby (union) player called a Welsh player a "gypsy boy" during a recent international.  The Welsh player does indeed come from Romany stock, and indeed has made no secret of it.  So. maybe not a nice thing to say (and indeed the English player apologised for it at half-time) but racist?  If somebody calls me an "English prat" is that racist?  It has been suggested that it's all a matter of intent, but who is to say what a person's intent is.  It seems probable that the English player's intent was to "wind up" the Welsh player, but does that make it racist or is it simply a (perhaps regrettable) aspect of the way sport is played these days?

Again???

What is it with our immigration service?  The other day it was the case of an sick, elderly lady in danger of being sent back to South Africa purely so she could apply to come back here, and now we have the story of Yvonne Karusseit.  It's too complicated to go into here in detail but have a look at https://www.change.org/p/theresa-may-urgent-petition-grant-clive-and-yvonne-karusseit-indefinite-leave-to-stay-visas which sets out the whole sad tale.  Once again, I have to express disgust that the situation has been allowed to reach its current state.  Is there some hidebound jobsworth somewhere in the system who takes a delight in finding some rule or regulation which thwarts the exercise of common sense?

Left, right, left, right...

What's with all this fuss about who should sit where on breakfast TV?  Is the left-hand seat - as we look at it - for the man, or for the senior presenter?  The question has arisen (apparently) because following Bill Turnbull's retirement from BBC's Breakfast programme, he has been replaced by Dan Walker, who is a newcomer to the game and who has taken over Turnbull's left-hand seat, whereas his co-presenter, Louise Minchin, who has years of experience continues in the right-hand spot.  Does it matter? Well yes, apparently it does to many people, including possibly Minchin herself.  It's been suggested that, as we read from left to right, we look at pictures in the same way, and therefore what's on the left is seen as more important.  I'd never have thought of it myself - what about you?

'Tis the full moon, my lovely,

Did you know that the "were" in werewolf is the Old English word for man?  So werewolf is manwolf - that is, a man who can transform into a wolf.  And although we tend to think that the concept is Edwardian/Victorian, along with vampires and Frankenstein's monster and such, it actually goes back way beyond that.  There is reference to the "werewulf" in the laws of King Canute back around the year 1000, and the ancient Greeks told stories of the "lycanthrope" which has the same etymology - "lykos", wolf and "anthropos", man. Make you think there might be something in it, eh??

We will remember them...

The Cenotaph in Whitehall, London, is in the news, thanks to some rather inappropriate nearby activity by the Top Gear team.  We all know what it is, but where does the word come from?  I imagine most of you would guess Latin or Greek, and you'd be right. It's from two Greek words - "kenos" meaning empty, and "taphos" meaning tomb.  So - empty tomb, a memorial to someone, or some group of people whose remains are elsewhere.  In the case of the one in London, the "Glorious Dead" - originally meaning those who died in the First World War, although it is now taken to represent all those who have died fighting for this country - whenever and wherever.  

A hard question.

Do you know the essential difference between a cake and a biscuit?  The question became a matter of some importance a few years ago in relation to Jaffa cakes. Cakes are VAT exempt, whereas biscuits are not.  The tax man insisted that Jaffa cakes - despite the name - were biscuits and therefore liable to VAT.  McVitie, who make them, not surprisingly took the opposite view.  So how to resolve the issue? After taking expert evidence, the court held that a cake, if left out to go stale, will go hard whereas a biscuit will go soft.  Jaffa cakes go hard, and are therefore indeed cakes. One up for the consumer!

Concentrate on the main issue.

So a magistrate has been sacked for refusing an adoption order to a single-sex couple.  He intends bringing a case for unfair dismissal.  He is accused of "bringing the judiciary into disrepute" by acting so as to cause " a reasonable person to conclude that he was prejudiced against single sex adopters".  But surely this is barking up the wrong tree?  Whether he is pro or against single sex couples is not the question. What he has to consider is what is in the best interests of the child. And I think there will be many people - myself included - who will think that, whatever our views on how people choose to arrange their personal relationships, a child up for adoption would be best brought up by a father and a mother.  This isn't a matter of discrimination or prejudice - just what is best for the child.

Only another three months to go...!

"Queen backs brexit" screamed The Sun's front page on Wednesday last.  Really?  If you delve further into the paper and the story, you find that The Sun is relying on an account of a meeting (maybe a dinner) that is supposed to have taken place nearly five years ago at which the Queen was present, as was, among others, Nick Clegg who was then Deputy Prime Minister.  If the account is true, the Queen is reported as saying that in her opinion Europe was "going in the wrong direction"  Not quite the same thing is it? - not even close. Both sides in the referendum debate seem to be getting sillier - and nastier - and maybe more desperate? Just take it all with a pinch of salt, is my advice.

It comes to us all...

Paul Daniels has left hospital and come home to die.  Your thoughts and prayers are entreated both for him and his family, who will have to deal with whatever is to come.

Ha ha

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
- I don't know and I don't care

The Lazy Cook

Potato cakes - the quick and easy way.

Make up a packet of instant mash and allow to go cold.
Add 75g of plain flour and a teaspoon of baking powder.
Sprinkle in some dried parsley or mixed herbs.
Whisk together 2 eggs and 125ml of milk and add to the mash mixture.  Whisk until smooth.
Heat some oil and a knob of butter in a frying pan.
Add a tablespoon of the mixture and fry until golden brown underneath.
Flip and repeat on the other side
Repeat with the rest of the mixture.

Goes nicely with scrambled eggs and bacon.

The goalposts have moved!

I must confess to always having had the "hots" for Maria Sharapova, so perhaps I'm biased, but I find the way the press (or some of them) are savaging her for failing a drugs test a couple of months ago very over the top, and even somewhat vindictive. The facts are that she has been on a certain type of medication for many years for various health problems, but at the beginning of this year this medication was - for the first time -  put on the "banned" list, and neither she nor her team seem to have noticed this and she continued to take it, and it showed up when she was tested in January.  She accepts that she has broken the rules and will be suspended and maybe even banned from the sport. And some of her sponsors are already jumping ship. But perhaps you can see why I got very annoyed at the headline in one paper that asserted she "took banned drug for ten years".

Speak English??

An aide to a candidate for London Mayor is in trouble for comments he made in the past about "faggots" and "hoes".  Now faggots I get, but hoes? Judging by context, I assume it is the word "whores" in some sort of vernacular speech.  Not a nice man, it would appear.

Result!!

Refer back to my post of 10/11/15.  The government has now relented and said that the old lady can stay here and does not have to fly back to South Africa.  So sanity prevails, but really, why was there ever any question of her having to do so?  It has apparently taken the intervention of the Immigration Minister no less to come up with a decision which should have been obviously the right one from day one.  I suppose this is yet another example of regulations being allowed to override common sense and common decency.

O, what a tangled web...

It's a constant cause of confusion - O - is that capital "o" or zero?  There was a time when zero was written with a diagonal line through - Ø - to make it clear, but that idea seems to have been abandoned.  Does it matter?  Well, it can be when you get these "prove you're not a robot" tests where you have to copy a line of letters/numbers and the question arises as to whether what you are being asked to copy is "o" or zero, but here's a case where it has potentially cost someone money. You know those automated carparks where you have to input your car's registration to get a ticket? Well a lady input her reg, except that she erroneously input capital "o" instead of zero and has now been hit with a £100 fine, and the parking company are refusing her appeal.  So be careful out there...

Crouch - bind....

So rugby (union) is in the doghouse again. There's no doubt that it's a potentially dangerous sport and has become more so recently as a result of the way the game is played these days.  So, what can be done?  I have a few ideas which I think are worthy of consideration and which would not only make the game safer for the players, but also more entertaining for the spectators.  So - here goes -
1.  Do away with the penalty kick at goal.  You either take a tap penalty, or kick for touch and take the resulting line-out.
2.  Increase the points for a drop goal from 3 to 4.
3.  Tackles must be made below the waist
4.  Replace scrums with rugby league-type "play the ball"
So there you have it - the idea is to speed the game up, allow more "off-loading" and get away from boring games being decided by penalty kicks.
What do you think?

In, out, shake it all about.

Not sure I can put up with another four months of pre-referendum waffle.  Problem is that nobody can say for sure just what the situation will be if we leave the EU.  It's all just guesswork, with the "out" crowd trying to convince us that everything will be fine, and the "remain" crowd trying to convince us that it will be a disaster - and the reality is that neither of them know for sure.  I'm already beginning to wish that they would all shut up!

Who can remember...

I was earwigging someone else's conversation the other day, when I heard one of them say "...so I just hung up on him".  It had never struck me before, but the phraseology to hang up the 'phone is completely archaic now.  It really goes back to the days of what are now called "candlestick" telephones, when to end a call you literally had to hang the earpiece back up on the hook, which cut the connection. These days of course you just press a button - but I suppose "...I just pressed the button on him" doesn't have quite the same ring (no pun intended).

Ha ha

- I've left my job.  I just couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.
- Why, what did he say?
- "You're fired!"

Mix and match

It took me some time to try peanut butter and jelly (seedless jam) sandwiches.  Big over in the States although little heard of over here.  But really tasty.  So here's another idea - comes from Germany. Nutella and cheese sandwiches.  I'll be honest - haven't tried this myself, so I put it out there for what it's worth. Apparently you should really use Gouda cheese.  Go on, give it a go!