Trick or treat

Hallowe'en seems an appropriate time to talk about our two favourite ghouls - Dracula and Frankenstein's Monster.  The story of Frankenstein and his creation is well enough known - Lord Byron (mad, bad and dangerous to know) was hosting a party in Italy in 1816 when he suggested that all his guests should write a ghost story and one of them, Mary Shelley, came up with Frankenstein - and the monster, created from bits of dead bodies, was born.  Dracula, as written by Bram Stoker, didn't appear until some 70 years later, but in fact had its origins in that same ghost-writing party.  Byron himself and his doctor, a man called Polidori, came up with the idea of a man returning from the dead who needed to feed on the blood of the living to survive, and they named this character The Vampyre.  Over the following years there were several subsequent stories written on the vampire theme, but Bram Stoker's is the one which has stood the test of time.  I imagine that few people have actually read either book (I haven't although I keep meaning to) and so both characters are known from the various films which have been made about them. Which is the scarier?  Well Dracula I would submit, who is driven to do what he does by his need for blood, whereas the monster, although frighteningly hideous is a rather pathetic character who really just wants to be loved.

Spend, spend, spend!

For a couple of years or so while the kids were little my wife had a job going round supermarkets doing stock control for various suppliers, and she learned and passed on to me the ways in which supermarkets use layout, lighting, aisle width and other tricks to get you to spend as much money in their shop as possible.  The one I could never understand was what she used to refer to as "endcaps" - these are the displays at the end of the aisles, as you turn the corner from one aisle to the next, and according to her are much prized by supermarkets as they generate getting on for double the revenue of stuff displayed in a straight aisle. Now I would imagine that most shoppers, like me, start at one end of the shop and go up and down the aisles in sequence, which means that you are bound to miss around half of these endcaps - if you're turning right you will miss the one on your left and vice versa. I'm sure the supermarkets have done their research and know what they are talking about, but I could never - and still can't - see it.

If it's Monday, I must be a woman.

I posted a little time ago about the way "Fräulein" and "Mademoiselle" were being phased out as titles for unmarried women in Germany and France, and wondered how long it would be before "Miss" went the same way.  But Brighton and Hove council are proposing to go one better, and do away with  all gender titles - so no more Mr, Mrs, Miss or Ms.  And their reasoning?  Forcing people to decide what sex they are is unfair on transsexuals.  Yes really!  Whether transsexuality is rife in Brighton I know not, but it seems a very strange idea.  I occasionally get letters which start "Dear D Random" - presumably because the writer is uncertain whether I'm male or female and it always sounds very clumsy and rather rude.  I don't mind people choosing which sex they prefer to be treated as, irrespective of what dangly bits they may or may not have, or even changing their minds about it on a regular basis, but not knowing - oh come on!!

Red for danger...

It seems the government have come to some outline agreement with the leading supermarkets over the question of nutritional food labelling, although the actual details are still to be finalised apparently.  The stated objective is to make it easier for consumers to differentiate between "healthy" and "unhealthy" foods.  I think a big part of the problem is that, whilst nutritionalists might be in agreement, there is no real consensus among shoppers as to what exactly constitutes healthy and unhealthy foods.  As one who has been watching his weight for a good fifty years now, I well know the various approaches - calorie counting, low fat, low carbohydrate, low salt and so on.  So different shoppers will be looking - if indeed they look at all - for different things.  Me?  After 50 years I work on the principle of "a little of what you fancy" - in other words it's how much you eat rather than what you eat that matters.  So I don't think any new labelling system is going to be a lot of help to me.

Too late.

 A survey (yes, another of those surveys) has found that the West Midlands is the sex hot-spot of the country.  Apparently one in five of us have sex every night.  So they wait until I'm 75 and past it to tell me that??!

Buried.

So Time Team (see post of 12th February) is finally to be ditched by Channel 4. Great, great shame - a perfect example (at least in its original format) of public service broadcasting which surely should be encouraged.  It speaks volumes about the mental state of the viewing public when programmes like this go to the wall, while dross like "Strictly Come Dancing", "X Factor", "Britain's Got Talent" and the like pull in the audiences.  BBC2 was originally set up to provide minority educational stuff - perhaps they could take it over?

Ha ha.

A postmen walks up to an isolated cottage in the country.  An old man is sitting on the porch and a rather vicious looking dog is lying down next to him.  The postman is a bit apprehensive, and says to the old man "Does your dog bite?".  "Nope" replies the old man, so the postman goes ahead and the dog leaps up and attacks him and savages his leg.  "I though you said your dog didn't bite" screams the postman.  "That ain't my dog" replies the old man.

Blimey!!

Who'd be a Grandad - you're supposed to have all the answers.  No too bad when the grandkids are small and you don't have to deal with anything more difficult than "why do flowers die?", but then they grow up and you are faced - as I was the other day - with questions like "what is existentialism?".  That one threw me!  So here, for what it's worth, is my very amateur back-of-a-fag-packet answer.  Every movement, whether in art, music, literature or philosophy, tends to be a reaction, even a revolt, against what has gone before.  "Traditional" philosophies have been based on the concept that there is some meaning to life (42 anyone?), that there is some purpose to it all, and we should be seeking to live our lives in such a way as to give effect to that meaning or purpose.  Existentialism says that's rubbish - there is no meaning to life, life simply is.  Don't waste your time looking for something that isn't there, just get on and deal with it.  Life is what you make it - life is for living.  That's existentialism.

I know my rights!!

The story I referred to in April 2010 about a gay couple who were refused accommodation at a Mom and Pop bed and breakfast because the Mom and Pop were committed Christians and as such opposed to homosexuality, has come to the fore again as a result of the couple being awarded some £3,000 in damages under equality legislation.  Can't help but feel that this is not so much about discrimination, as about common sense and good manners.  There's a growing tendency for minority groups to thrust their "minority-ness" in other people's faces, and here we seem to have had two pairs of people doing just that.  If you were gay and you and your boyfriend went to visit a straight-laced maiden aunt, you wouldn't hold hands and snog in front of her.  If you were a committed Christian and went to visit someone you knew to be atheist or agnostic, you wouldn't insist on saying grace and singing hymns - this is just basic good manners.  I feel sure that with a bit of goodwill and give and take on both sides, this whole situation could have been avoided.

Passing by.

My local polling station is on my regular morning walk, so I've always popped in and voted whenever there's an election or referendum.  But I'm seriously thinking of breaking the habit of a lifetime and not bothering to take part in the forthcoming election for a Commissioner of Police.  Two reasons - firstly the candidates, to the extent that we know them, are all political animals (whether party or independent) who I fear if elected will be following their own political agenda, and secondly, as I have mentioned before in these pages, I have an instinctive mistrust of elected officials, who are likely to be more interested in their prospects of re-election than in doing what is best for the community.  And as there will be no provision (as far as I am aware) on the ballot paper to say "I don't want a Police Commissioner" I shall not be taking part.

Guilty pleasures.

The Government are talking about legislating to ban supermarkets from offering discounts for those purchasing multiple bottles of wine.  So that would be the end of my "three for a tenner" then?

Like a bad penny...

You know the old joke about the man who was trying to get rid of his boomerang, but every time he threw it away, it kept coming back?  Well, we now have a story about a man in Kent who keeps pigeons and, as a result of complaints from his neighbours, had now been ordered by the local council to get rid of them.  But as he points out, they're homing pigeons, so wherever they're taken to, they will follow their instincts, and return to him.  Tricky, eh??

Underground magic.

To my generation, the Spitfire is iconic.  All us young boys wanted to be Spitfire pilots when we grew up.  So it's been somewhat sad - if inevitable - watching the number of serviceable planes slowly dwindle over the decades.  But hope is at hand. Apparently, in the dying days of the war, and for reasons which I don't fully understand, some 60 brand new Spitfires were crated and buried in the Burmese jungle at a secret location.  And now a treasure hunter has found that location and plans to dig them up.  Records show that they were carefully greased and waxed before being crated, so there's a good chance that a least some of them may be in good flying order.  This could easily double the number of serviceable Spits out there and hopefully give us a good few more years of seeing them fly.  On a related matter, shame that a lack of spare parts means that the one surviving airworthy Avro Vulcan will have to be grounded next year.  Beautiful aircraft.

There's none so deaf...

So we have yet another report saying that drug-taking is no more a social evil than eating junk food or gambling, and that vasts sums of money are being wasted in the so-called "War Against Drugs".  We've heard it all before several times, and just as before, the Government are turning a deaf ear, and insisting that their approach of bringing the full force of the law to bear on users and dealers is the right - indeed the only - way to go.  Dubious morality wins out against common sense yet again.

Sliders...

There has been much criticism of Newcastle United for signing a sponsorship deal with Wonga.  For anybody from Mars, Wonga run what is known as a "payday lending" business - essentially short-term loans at an eye-watering rate of interest.  But the outrage is not so much directed at the football club as at Wonga itself, which is seen as a company which makes its money on the back of poverty and desperation   Now I certainly hold no brief for Wonga, but once again, I think we are missing the big question, which is - why are Wonga so successful?  And they are indeed successful - they have recently posted profits of some £45m and their business has grown by getting on for 300% over the past year.  And the answer is clear - they make borrowing money easy and fast.  It takes a matter of minutes to arrange a loan, and the money is usually in your bank account within the hour.  Compare that to the hoops you have to jump through to arrange a loan or overdraft with a bank or building society.  So don't blame Wonga for seeing a gap in the market and exploiting it - blame the "traditional" lenders for creating that gap.  And if you want to see the end of Wonga and the other payday loan companies, the answer is obvious isn't it?

Me - I shall continue (promise).

Good job I am no longer a Civil Servant.  Owen Paterson, who rejoices in the title of Food Secretary has issued a diktat to his staff on the correct (as he sees it) use of English, and punctuation in particular. No dashes, no brackets, and lots of semicolons it seems.  So that would be me on the carpet then?

Justice delayed is...

A new medical report on Gary McKinnon (see post of 4/9/08) has concluded that, if extradited to the US, he is "very likely" to attempt suicide.  But that wasn't what made my blood boil - it was the fact that this business has now been going on for TEN YEARS!!  We're supposed to be a civilised country for Christ's sake.  This man and his family have been left dangling 'twixt Heaven and Hell for a decade.  Whatever the outcome, we should hang our heads in shame.

You can't say that - or that - or that!

Voltaire said (or rather, didn't, but is quoted as saying) "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it".  This aphorism is regularly trotted out to encapsulate the much vaunted concept of freedom of speech - a concept which seems to be coming under much scrutiny - or even attack - lately. There have been several instances recently of people being charged and in some cases convicted for simply saying or writing something which others have found (or even just might have found) offensive.  Many of these cases involve social media websites, the dangers of using which I have posted about before, but I think the question we have to ask ourselves is  - do we accept that freedom of speech inevitably means the freedom to insult and offend?  And if not, do we really have any freedom of speech?  I am really beginning to think that the answer is no.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Traffic warden in Wimbledon was in an enforcement van taking pictures of drivers parking on double yellows so that they could be issued with fixed penalty notices. So what makes that worthy of comment?  He was parked on double yellows himself!

Pot plant

Can't claim any credit for the title, but it was just too good to pass up.  An elderly couple down in Bedford bought a plant at a car boot sale, took it home, put it in the garden and looked after it until it grew into a big shrub.  They then got a visit from the police, who said did they realise it was a cannabis plant!  Apparently the biggest one the police had ever seen.  At least the police have confirmed that no action will be taken against the couple, which makes a nice change.

Annual income twenty pounds....

I'm sure we all know the famous words of Mr Micawber in David Copperfield to the effect that if your expenditure exceeds your income it can only bring misery.  Well how about this?  The latest figures show that there are now over 53% of households in this country who are receiving more from the government in benefits than they are paying to the government in taxes.  Now wonder we are in a mess!

Disgusting!

I posted back in June about the shamefully belated memorial to Bomber Command being unveiled in London.  Big occasion - the Queen and most of the Royal Family were there together with thousands of veterans - so who do you think should foot the bill for the day?  The Government, right?  Wrong!  To be fair, they have chipped in with about £200,000 but that still leaves a shortfall of over half a million which they say is not their responsibility and therefore falls to the Bomber Command Association to pay.  Problem is, the Association has no money left, and the trustees - themselves Bomber Command veterans - face losing their homes. Given that half a million pounds is chump change in governmental terms, they should do the decent thing.

Level playing field?

So it's OK for the FA to call Ashley Cole a liar, but unacceptable for him to call them a bunch of twats?

Bombe surprise?

Heard about the Sainsburys "Wiggles the caterpillar" birthday cake which set off the security alarms at Stanstead Airport?  Actually it turns out it wasn't the cake at all, but the packaging which contained acetate that apparently shares some chemical characteristics with semtex.  Good story though?

Music Man

It's 50 years since the first Beatles' single was released - Love Me Do - and strangely the critics now seem to be lining up to denigrate it.  Well certainly they went on to produce much better stuff, but you have to assess it in the light of the pop music scene of 1962.  We'd had a decade or so of Rock'n'Roll - twelve bar blues with a strong off-beat rhythm - good of its type but not remotely original, and suddenly we had this song with a poignant harmonica riff and a melody sung in open fourths and fifths - almost plainchant.  It came as a bolt from the blue.  The fact that with the benefit of hindsight it was not their best work is immaterial - at the time it was a breath of fresh air and certainly it opened my eyes - and ears.

Just a healthy appetite?

My granddaughter's birthday is coming up, and there is talk of going out for a family meal at one of these restaurants where you pay a fixed charge and can then eat as much as you like, so I was tickled by the story of a similar setup down Brighton way where the proprietor has banned a couple of 26-year-old men for - you've guessed it - eating too much!

The thin yellow line?

We're used to seeing policemen and women dealing with an emergency wearing those high visibility day-glo yellow jackets with "Police" on the back, but apparently these are to become standard daily attire for the police. So we'll no longer be able to refer to the boys in blue then?

Sorry son, can't come and cheer for you.

I thought that we'd seen the end of these silly CRB (Criminal Record Bureau) checks stories, but apparently not.  A school in Wiltshire has ruled that parents cannot come to spectate at sports events in which their children are taking part, unless they have been CRB checked by their local council.  Their reasoning is sound enough - it is to try and ensure that strangers do not gain access to their playing fields - but this is a problem which would be simply solved by issuing parents with a school identity card.  Why on earth a CRB check?  Couldn't be that they are getting some sort of kick-back from the £26 fee you have to pay to get such a check, could it?

Away with the fairies.

So Ed Milliband is now pressing the "One Nation" button as many other politicians - usually when in opposition - have done before him  If we all pull together everything will be hunky-dory, and Labour are the party to create the political and economic climate in which we will all want to pull together.  Like I say, I've heard it all before and the bald fact of the matter is that it's all cloud cuckoo-land.  We will never all pull together - there will always be those who are looking out for themselves and couldn't care less about anyone else.  Probably the closest we came to the One Nation ideal was during the Second World War, but even then there were those deliberately working against the common good.  Apart from the criminals who simply went on being criminals, there were the spivs and black marketeers, and there were workers who went on strike - yes, believe it or not, there were official strikes called in wartime.  So, nice idea and goes down well with the party faithful, but let's keep our feet on the ground.

The dead can't answer back.

I have absolutely no idea whether Sir Jimmy Savile did in fact do the things he is now being accused of, but I find it very depressing the way, following the death of any celebrity, that within a very short time people start coming out of the woodwork to say unpleasant things about them.  Things which, presumably, they didn't dare say while they were still alive - and of course, the object of their accusations is conveniently no longer around to defend themselves.  Abject opportunism is a phrase which springs to mind.

Good news and bad news?

Whilst I - in common I suspect with most people in this country - am happy that the Abu Hamza business seems to be finally coming to an end, and he will soon be off to the US to face trial there, concerns have been raised that the judgment of the European Court of Human Rights which rejected his appeal against extradition may make it more difficult in the future for the Home Secretary to refuse requests by the US for UK citizens to be extradited there, and given the fact that many people consider the US/UK extradition treaty to be at best biased, and at worst fatally flawed, perhaps any cheers over Abu Hamza should be muted.