Better the devil you know...

Remember the theory that it was in fact a good job that the attempted assassination of Hitler failed?  The logic being that whoever would have replaced him would probably have done a much better job and prolonged the course of the war, if not actually changed it.  Well it appears the Democrats in the US now have a similar dilemma regarding the best thing for them to do now that they have some clout after the mid-term elections.  There are those who are calling for immediate attempts to impeach Trump, but on the other hand there are those who are advising caution on the grounds that he is doing a much better job for their cause by staying where he is and doing what he does

R.I.P.

June Whitfield - consummate professional with impeccable comic timing.  One of those actors who always seems to have been there.  Anyone remember The Glums?  Oh, Ron...

Simple maths!

If, according to a recent survey, as a pensioner, a glass if wine a day is good for me, it surely follows that several glasses a day must be several times as good for me!

Back to the treadmill?

A 'phone in every jail cell - what do you think?  Very much depends on what you see jail as for, I guess,  There are those who think that imprisonment should be a punishment - it should be an unpleasant experience designed to constantly remind you what a naughty person you are, or at least, have been.  Then there are those who see imprisonment as simply a way of separating those with anti-social tendencies from the rest of us - in which case there is no reason why, as far as possible,  they should be denied the normalities of life - like access to a 'phone.

Tick, tock

The question of changing the clocks has once again come to the fore.  You may remember that the EU was considering sticking with either Central European Time or CET+1 all the year round.  Well now it seems they have decided that this should happen in October next year - although they have yet to decide which time zone to go with.  And although by then we should have left the EU, it seems pretty certain we will follow suit.  Can't wait myself.

Personal

For various reasons, this is the first day we have all managed to get together, so this is the family's Christmas Day.  So it's ho-ho-ho and best wishes to you all.

Merry Christmas

...and God bless us - everyone

Who speaks for the dead?

The other day it was the 30th anniversary of Lockerbie, and as far as I can see, nothing has changed.  The "official story" has now taken its place as fact and part of history.  Depressing...

I am the greatest...

Martina Navratilova has raised a question that I posted about a couple of months ago.  Now that - it appears - we have the right to determine for ourselves what gender we really are, what's to stop a hitherto somewhat mediocre sportsman deciding that he's really a woman, and then competing against women and, thanks to his masculine physiology, sweeping all before him/her?  Press "sisters" anyone?

Sotto voce

Did Jeremy Corbyn mutter "stupid woman" at the Prime Minister?  Certainly looked like it, and lip readers seem to be pretty unanimous that he did.  But supposing he did - so what?  Might have been unparliamentary, but was it sexist, as some have insisted.  My understanding is that it would only be sexist if he said it because she was a woman - in other words, it was aimed at her as a woman, and I think it was pretty obviously aimed at her as a member of the government and "one of them on the other side of the House", and the fact that she was a woman didn't come into it.  So, not guilty, I think.

Strewth!

Is mistletoe an invitation to (possibly unwanted) sexual advances?  Think about it - a female friend confessed that, whenever she is at a gathering in an unfamiliar place at this time of year, she always scans the room for hanging bunches of mistletoe and avoids them like the plague.  "Some blokes see it as an open invitation to grope you" she says.  Hadn't thought of it that way myself but in the present #MeToo climate, it makes you think.

Yippie-Ki-Yay,

Die Hard is always touted as a Christmas film.  But is it?  I've never quite understood it.  Don't get me wrong - it's a brilliant film and I can watch it over and over, but it's always seemed to me that the connection with Christmas is a sort of bolt-on.  It could just as easily be set at any other time of year with minimal alterations to the script and incidental music.  In other words, there is no intrinsic reason for it to be set at Christmastime.  I'm happy for it to be associated with this time of year, but don't see any reason why it should be.  What do you think?

Oops!

Biodegradability (is there such a word?) is a good thing, right?  Well, it all depends. Yorkshire Tea have redesigned their tea-bags so as to make them more biodegradable.  Unfortunately, they have a tendency to biodegrade in the cup leaving you with a cupful of tea-leaves.  Back to the drawing-board?

Little green monsters

That's what my kids used to call sprouts when they were little.  Christmas is about the only time they take anything like centre stage - so the question is, do you cut a cross in the stems before you cook them?  Known as "scoring" the idea is to allow the boiling water to get into and cook the stems, which might otherwise be a bit tough and woody.  Modern thinking is that this is unnecessary and may in fact make the sprouts more soggy.  I prefer mine sliced on a mandoline and stir-fried so the question does not arise.  Liked the comment of a BBC presenter when asked if she scored her sprouts - Oh, I'd give 'em about a 6.

Ring finger

In the days before the circulatory system was fully understood, it was a common belief that a vein ran directly from the fourth finger of the left hand to the heart.  They called it the vena amoris - the vein of love.  It was this belief that led to the custom of wearing wedding rings - and later engagement rings - on this finger.  At first only women wore wedding rings.  The custom did not really extend to men until well into the beginning of the 20th century - perhaps as a result of so many couples being separated by war.

Who's a clever boy?

Have you seen the story of the parrot who has learned to talk to Alexa. the voice of the Amazon Echo series of interactive voice-controlled speakers.  It has learned to order stuff, get it to play music and to tell jokes.  Luckily, a kiddie-lock system means that its orders are blocked, but its owner has got used to coming home to find the parrot boogying to rock music.

Do they wear kilts?

There are no gingerbread men in Scotland apparently - only gingerbread "persons".  I am irresistibly reminded of the old joke about jelly babies - buy the boy ones, you get more for your money that way.

You see what you want to see.

If you have a Christmas play-list, chances are it includes Baby, it's cold outside, a favourite seasonal ditty.  Except that this is a song which has fallen foul of the PC/feminist brigade, who have labelled it sexist and promotional of date-rape.  Barbara Windsor used to have a comeback to those who accused the Carry-On films of being "dirty" - she used to say, to the pure, all things are pure (which by the way comes from the Bible).  So, regarding this song, I feel like turning that round and saying - to the dirty-minded, all things are dirty.

'Tis the season...

The Scots have this reputation for deep-frying stuff.  Well, a chip shop in Perthshire is going the full monty this year by providing a deep-fried Christmas dinner - turkey, sprouts, carrots, parsnips and a footlong battered sausage.  Anybody want to make a guess as to how many calories are in that?

Ha ha

Best Christmas joke by far -
What does Donald Trump do after pulling a cracker?
- pays her off!

Brexit....

...what Brexit?  I make no secret of the fact that I voted remain in the 2016 referendum, and I still feel that the best (well, least-worst) solution is to call the whole thing off and go back to where we were prior to the referendum.  It wasn't ideal, and we would still have the Boris Johnson/Jacob Rees-Mogg faction campaigning to leave, but at least they would have had their chance and seen just where it led.  So now that the ECJ have said we can. I would go for revoking article 50 and reverting to the status quo ante.  At least we would know where we stood - even if we didn't like it.

Pecking order

Oh dear - it seems grandparents, and particularly granddads are well down the list when it comes to Christmas presents - below even the family pets in many families.  Well, provided I get a bottle of the good stuff, I don't care what anybody else is getting - I'm content!

Guess who's watching you?

Could OFSTED's remit extend to out-of-school activities, like sports clubs, cadets, the scouts and Sunday school?  The Government is launching a "consultation" on how to "safeguard" (i.e.control) such activities.  The implicit threat is that, if no satisfactory voluntary code can be agreed, a set of rules will be imposed and backed up by inspections and reports.  You have been warned!

Take slice of bread...

You know the old saying "can't boil an egg"? Well a hospital in Southampton has gone one better by putting out a two-page pamphlet for staff on how to make toast.  Yes, really!  I suppose there may be people from other countries working there, where toast is not part of everyday life, but I would have thought that the basic principles are easy enough to grasp,  The pamphlet also warns staff that they must not attempt to make toast unless they are fully trained - so "I'm sorry Mrs Smith, it will have to be cornflakes this morning,  I know you would like toast, but I haven't got my certificate yet..."  You couldn't make it up, could you?

Better safe...

Did you know that, here in the UK, there's an unwritten rule that heirs to the throne should not fly together in the same plane?  The reason is obvious, even if something we'd rather not think about.  As a matter of practicality, the rule is not enforced where small children are concerned.  So William, George and Charlotte have flown together, although there will come a time, when they are older, when this will not be allowed.

Ha ha

What has four wheels and flies?
 - A bin lorry

How rude!

Apparently I'm not supposed to use the phrase "bringing home the bacon" any more for fear of upsetting vegans.  The words "tail", "dog" and "wagging" spring to mind.

It'll be a blood-bath!

Last Sunday was "derby day" sports-wise, when a series of local football matches all fell together on the schedule - Chelsea/Fulham, Arsenal/Spurs and Liverpool/Everton.  But where did this expression "derby" for a match between neighbouring teams come from?  Well it originally only applied to the annual Rugby League match between  St Helens and Wigan, which, back in the 1800s were the two parishes at either end of the estate of Lord Derby, and was therefore referred to as the Derby match.  Since when it has been taken up by other local rivalries.  Round my way, it's Wolves and West Brom or, a little further afield, Aston Villa and Birmingham City.

There's some corner of a foreign field...

In a world being taken over by American English, it's nice to know that the linguistic authority for United Nations business is the Concise Oxford English Dictionary, so English English spelling and usage rules.  How about that?

'Twas ever thus

So HS2 is behind schedule and over-budget.  Is anyone really surprised?

Please Sir, I want some more!

On the food theme, did you know that an American professor of nutrition has declared that a serving of chips (that's french fries, you US folks)  should only contain six of the little salty, oily sticks of desire.  Yes, you heard right - six.  Hardly worth the effort, is it?

Would you rather....

Supermarkets of course keep detailed statistics on what people are buying, and sometimes these statistics indicate independent social trends.  Tesco have released data showing that meat-free meals are on the increase and that - shock, horror - sprouts are now overtaking pigs in blankets as the preferred accompaniment to a  Christmas dinner.  There are vegetarians in our family (no vegans - yet) so we are a pretty broad church, food-wise, but really?  Sprouts as favourites?? 

Epipen, quick!!

Allergies in the news again, after a BBC survey found that High Street food and drink outlets were giving out misleading or incomplete information on what potential allergens their products contained.  Can't help feeling that this is rather like shooting the pianist because you don't like the tune.  If I had a potentially life-threatening allergy, I would be extremely wary of eating or drinking anything which I had not prepared myself.  I would certainly not rely on what I was told, or what I read about the ingredients in something which had been prepared by somebody else somewhere else.  In other words, I would consider it my responsibility to ensure I did not ingest anything which could harm me.  And if that meant that I could never go out for a meal -  so be it.  That would be my cross to bear.  To throw the responsibility on others in my view is wrong.  It's my problem - it's down to me to deal with it.  I think the BBC have got the wrong end of the stick.

Were you frightened?

Congratulations to NASA for safely landing their spacecraft on Mars, but given that this was an unmanned module, I feel that to describe the final moments of descent as "seven minutes of terror" was a little OTT?

Up to their eyes in...

The things people will do for money.  A French hospital advertised for donations of - there's no delicate way to say this - poo, and indicated that successful donors would be paid €50.  What it didn't say - or make clear - was that applicants would have to undergo "rigorous screening, interviewing and tests".  They have been inundated with so many people anxious to get their hands on €50 that they have had to suspend their (serious) scientific research.  The old saying "be careful what you wish for" springs to mind.

Take two

Talking the other day, the question arose as to which film has been remade the most times?  A Star Is Born was put forward as having been remade four times - 1937, 1954, 1976 and the current one.  We couldn't better that - can you?

I spy with my little eye...

Anybody else feel that, however sorry we may feel for this lad who has been imprisoned for life in the UAE and for his wife, he is the author of his own misfortune?  To go to such a secretive country with the intention of researching their security systems strikes me as a bit like putting your head in the lion's mouth.  I assume somebody must have done a "risk assessment|"  and how they could not have seen the possibility of his being suspected of spying is, frankly, incredible.  I hope diplomatic efforts will result in his release, but really - what was he thinking?

Merry...er

It's often said the Oliver Cromwell banned Christmas.  Of course, he did not (and could not) do any such thing.  What he did was to ban the celebration of Christmas.  And his spirit apparently lives on - a school in Yorkshire has cancelled Christmas celebrations on the basis that the whole thing has become too commercial and that, if the students want the ban lifted, they will have to convince their RE teacher.  Watch this space.

Any old iron?

Round my way, if you have a large item you want to get rid of, you drag it out to the edge of your lawn by the pavement, and leave it for the "tatty man" to come round in his van and take it away.  The question is - is this fly-tipping?  Many say it is, and that it creates an eyesore.  Depending on the weather, and time of year it may well be a week or two before the tatty man puts in an appearance.  The alternative is to ring up the council who, for a not inconsiderable fee, will send a refuse lorry to pick it up.  The argument that the disposal of rubbish is their responsibility, and part of what we pay our council tax for, and therefore they should provide this service for free, is, I'm afraid. met with a blank stare.  So - it's the tatty man, God bless him.

Marks & Sparks

It seems they can't do right for doing wrong.  The latest is "outrage" being expressed at a window display juxtaposing women's underwear and men's suits.  Don't quite get the argument myself, but then I'm a man....  I feel you do have to start wondering whether this is part of a deliberate attempt to "get at" M&S - whether by feminists or - more sinisterly - by commercial opposition.

Fair's fair

My recollection is that something like a billion pounds was "found" to persuade the DUP to support the Conservatives and provide them with a working majority in Parliament.  Given that they failed to support the Government the other day - can we have our money back please?

Ha ha

Q.  What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A.  A nervous wreck

It is what I say it is.

Now there may be more to this which is not being reported but this claims to be a quote from police records - "An unknown dog has fouled outside of victim address and victim perceived this to be a racial incident".  So a dog shits outside your house and YOU decide this is racial and that you are the victim?  Like I say, there may be more to this, but it seems yet another example of the law being turned on its head and the decision as to whether or not an offence has been committed being left to the "victim" rather than the judicial system.  To paraphrase Descartes - I perceive therefore it is?

Brexit

So there's a "gang of five" seeking to pressurise the Prime Minister to amend some of the details of the Brexit deal she is trying to get through Parliament.  But the problem is - this is a deal, an agreement - and as such is two-sided.  It cannot be altered unilaterally, and as far as I am aware, the EU have said that, as far as they are concerned, it is not negotiable.  Impasse?

Personal

Sorry about yesterday.  The fact is that I had a really bad night on Thursday, with the result that I spent most of yesterday zonked out and dozing, so nothing got done.  These things happen. and as I get older, they tend to happen more frequently.  Such is life.

Nothing to report.

It's been a non-day today - hopefully back tomorrow.

Get out!

Did you know that you will be refused entry to Harrods in London, if you are wearing a uniform?  Not sure why, but they have a long-standing dress code which forbids entry to, inter alia, anyone not dressed in civilian clothes.

Here I stand

I think I would like to live in Monaco - nice place. clean and tidy, pleasant climate,  But the idea that in order to fulfill my dream, all I have to do is somehow get there, and once there, plonk myself down on the nearest piece of ground and then say to the authorities - well, here I am, it's now down to you to look after me - is obviously mad.  And yet, wherever your sympathies lie, isn't this exactly what these various migrants are trying to do?  Whether it's those trying to cross the Med to get to Europe, or this "caravan" coming up through South America to try and reach the USA, the idea seems to be that all they have to do is get "there" and then they get some sort of "squatters' rights".  And if "there" doesn't want them.....?  I'm no supporter of Trump, but at least he's made America's position clear and perhaps Europe should consider following suit?

Hard cheese!

I've mentioned halloumi before and, maybe because of the likes of me, it has become very popular.  But therein lies a problem.  It's only made in Cyprus, and the island is now finding difficulty in keeping up with demand.  The danger for consumers is of course that the market may become flooded with imitations.  So make sure that if you buy any, it has really come from Cyprus.

Ghostly display

It seems crass to be talking about "prizes" for remembrance displays, but I beg you to look at the Slimbridge display - you can see it on Facebook - where figures made out of chicken wire - and therefore see-through - have been placed in the graveyard near the headstones of those who fell.  Brought tears to my eyes and I image at dusk it must be particularly powerful. 

We will remember them

Start again?

More and more calls for a second referendum on Brexit.  But where does this lead?  Do the losers of such a vote then demand a third referendum, and then a fourth....?  And more to the point, does this set a precedent for the future - every time we get a divisive issue, will there be calls for a "people's vote"?  That's not the way our constitution works - nor should it.  We had a referendum - perhaps unwisely - but we had it, and are now stuck with the result.  Or are we? - to my recollection, it was made clear it was not a binding vote, so I suppose we could ignore it, and pretend it never happened?

What will they all do now?

So The Big Bang Theory is coming to an end?  Help!  One of the few programmes I have watched since the beginning and I shall miss it.  Only consolation is that we here watching in the UK are well behind the USA, so for us, it won't finish just yet.

Wisdom of the ages.

In the ancient Persian empire. men used to debate ideas twice - once sober and once drunk.  The idea had to meet with approval in both states in order to be considered sound.

Well I never!

Well, you learn something every day.  I was watching the test match the other day when I heard the commentator say "...now that we no longer have runners..." and I thought WHAT??!!  But it's a fact - the authorities banned the use of runners in international matches back in 2011.  The suggestion was that the rule which allowed this was being misused, and batsmen who were merely tired, or suffering from cramp, were being allowed runners, when the rule was meant to cover batsmen who were physically unable to run for whatever reason.  The alternative is for such a batsmen to "retire hurt" and to resume their inning later, if they are able.

Remember, remember...

St Peter's School in York almost certainly had their fireworks last night, and maybe a bonfire, but for sure did not burn a guy. Why?  Because Guy Fawkes went to school there, and it would be extremely bad form to burn an effigy of a former pupil.  It sometimes comes as a bit of a surprise to realise that Guy Fawkes was a real person with a normal history - he preferred to be called "Guido" but this was just an affectation - he was English through and through.

The true story

Were the writers of  Saving Private Ryan aware of the real-life story of Wilfred Smith?  He was the youngest of six brothers who all fought in the First World War.  One by one, the other brothers were killed in action.  This came to the attention of Queen Mary - wife of George V - who was so appalled at the thought of what the parents had gone through, that she more or less demanded that Wilfred should be discharged and returned home.  And so it was.  He lived a reasonably long life and died in 1968.

Bullseye!

Who should appear on the new £50 note?  Got to be Stephen Hawking, surely?

Unfair?

Perhaps I've missed something, but why is Luton Airport getting all this stick about the disabled man who was videoed dragging himself across the floor because his wheelchair had gone missing and the airport could not provide any "acceptable " alternative.  Surely the fault lay with the airline - whichever it was - which mislaid his wheelchair, not with the airport who did their best to deal with a situation not of their making. 

Do the maths

I'm a bloke so the thought of getting a deal on M & S beauty products has no attraction, but for those of you of the opposite gender, consider this - if you spend £35 in the shop - or online - this qualifies you to be able to buy the store's beauty advent calendar for a further £35.  So you've spent £70 yes?  The calendar includes a gift from their beauty range for each of the days up until Christmas.  And the value of these gifts if you were to buy them individually? £280!  Get in there, girls!

Changing of the guard

So that's it - Hallowe'en is over, and it's all aboard for Christmas...

Bake Off

So, who were you rooting for in the final the other night?  I remember back in the day, there was an old saying "always bet on the outsider of three" which would have pointed you towards Ruby - otherwise you needed to choose between Rahul or Kim-Joy. both of whom have had their triumphs and disasters.  So Rahul won, and there are already those maintaining that it was a fix, and that Kim-Joy was "robbed".  I think you need to understand - as anybody who has watched the show over the weeks will attest - that the judging is very much based on what happens on the night, rather than on a contestant's overall performance.  Unfair, you may think, but that's the way it works.  Neither Rahul or Kim-Joy were at their best on the night, but I think Rahul's "show-stopper" just about swung it.

Budget

What have we wine-drinkers done to offend the Government?  Duty on beer, cider and spirits all frozen, but not wine, which will be more expensive as a result.  No explanation given, as far as I am aware, but I cannot see how wine-drinkers pose more of a risk to society than beer drinkers - unless of course it's to do with the Scots and Buckfast Tonic Wine which they are notorious for imbibing in vast quantities.  All I know is that my bottle of red "plonk" which used to set me back about £2.50, now is just over £4, and presumably will be going up as a result.  I have friends who live in the Canaries and can get a litre (note, a litre - that's a bottle and a half) of perfectly acceptable plonk for just under £1 - somehow just doesn't seem fair.

A true gentleman

Sad to hear of the death of the owner of Leicester City Football Club, who was killed in a helicopter crash last Saturday.  Not just the owner of the club, he was a genuine philanthropist who gave much of his wealth to local good causes.  We can ill afford to lose people like him.

Who wants a Kwik-E-Mart? I do!!

If what I read is correct, the character of Apu Nahasapeemapetilon is to be axed from The Simpsons.  If so I think this reflects very badly on the show's producers who appear to have given in to the mindless twitterings of those with nothing better to do with their time, and who probably are nothing to do with India anyway.  If the news is true, I'm afraid The Simpsons has gone down in my estimation.

I.O.U.

Some local councils, it seems, are refusing to accept payments due to them in cash or by cheque, insisting that people needing to pay them do so electronically.  This isn't just a matter of being arsey, it's more a matter that in these straightened times, they can't afford the staff to deal with cash and cheque payments.  There are of course other ways to pay using those means, though they may not be so convenient, particularly for older people set in their ways.  I can understand the problem, but I think they need to be careful regarding payments in cash, as the law covering legal tender (of which we have spoken more than once in the past) would apply.

Why did he bother?

Without taking sides in the Sir Philip Green business. I think it's pertinent to ask whether there's any point in going to all the time, trouble and expense of going to court and getting an injunction to stop your name being bandied about in the press, when it can be thwarted  by any Member of Parliament who cares to mention your name in the House.  

Walkers - whatever next?

Christmas tree flavoured crisps?  Can't see it myself.

Ha ha

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

Doctor Who

I have one question - why did Grace have to die?

Just a thought...

Remember the South African girl - whose name, I'm ashamed to say, escapes me for the moment - who has an abnormally high level of testosterone, and who, as a result, can run the 800m faster than any other woman?  The question of whether she should be able to compete as a woman is still very much a live issue.  But how about this - a man decides that he's really a woman, and self-identifies himself as such.  He then competes in some sport or other as a woman, and, because he is physically a man, is very successful.  Should this be allowed? Think about it - because, depend on it, sooner or later the question will arise.

Peoples' vote?

Several thousand people marched through London over the weekend demanding a second referendum - but on what exactly?  In order to have a vote, you have to have something to vote for - or against.  And it seems to me that we haven't,  The closest we've come is the so-called "Chequers Agreement" which clearly is anything but an agreement and in any event has been dismissed out of hand by the EU.  Until we have a definite proposal - wherever it comes from - there is nothing to vote on.

Bar food

If you like calamari, you should be aware that a shortage of squid means that you may be getting an inferior product made of bits of other fish  mushed up into a paste which is then piped into rings which are battered and fried.  You have been warned!

Consent?

It seems we may have to rethink some of our fairy tales.  It is being seriously considered over in Hollywood that kissing a girl while she is asleep is a no-no as she hasn't given her consent.  So Sleeping Beauty it appears is doomed to stay asleep for ever??  And as for awaking your beloved in the morning with a kiss - uh, uh.  Let's hope the idea stays in Hollywood.

Freebies

It seems I may lose my free TV licence - the BBC are seriously considering such a move as a cost-saving exercise.  I shan't be too bothered - it'll cost me £150-odd a year, which isn't exactly small change, but I can cope,  The people I feel sorry for are the poorer pensioners who don't get out, and rely on the television for their pleasure and entertainment.  I think this is why the free licence was introduced in the first place and the logic still holds.

You say tomAYto...

Interesting effect of America's sanctions against Iran - the riyal (Iranian currency) has plunged in value, making things more expensive for Iranians, but cheaper for other countries.  Iraq has seized the opportunity to buy up Iranian tomatoes, with the result that there is now a serious tomato shortage in Iran.  Given that tomatoes form the basis of most Middle Eastern cuisine, this is being felt most acutely and shops are even running short of tomato paste.  Don't know whether this is what Trump intended...

Oh dear, oh dear.

It seems that one of the (unwanted) side-effects of global warming may be a decrease in beer production, with a resulting increase in price.  Barley, which is the main ingredient in beer, is apparently sensitive to changes in temperature, and periods of abnormal hot and cold weather, such as global warming is increasingly liable to bring about, may produce a drop in yield of around 10%.  Start stocking up now! 

Occam's Razor

I imagine most of you have heard of that, although I equally imagine that most of you are unsure as to precisely what it means.  Well, it's a problem-solving aid which basically means that the least complicated solution is probably the correct one.  It's named after William of Ockham, who was a 13th century English Franciscan friar and who is credited with saying "Frustra fit per plura quod potest fieri per pauciora" - it is futile to do with more things that which can be done with fewer. I'm sure he would be the first to agree that this wasn't his original thought.  Aristotle had come up with basically the same idea some thousand years earlier.  And to bring it up-to-date, today we have the KISS principle - Keep It Simple, Stupid.

What's that smell?

Apparently Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men perfume is not just a hit with the ladies, but also attracts big cats - like tigers, cheetahs and panthers.  It is useful to spray around when you want to get these creatures to gather in a particular place for whatever reason, but the downside is that this is a Calvin Klein perfume and as such costs an arm and a leg!

Does it have adult themes?

Heard about the woman who was refused entry to a cinema, because the film being shown had a 15 certificate, and she had her four week old child with her.  Talk about taking things too far?

End of the world?

I've watched as shops in my local High Street have shut  - sometimes local businesses but more and more recently local branches of national chains.  Woolworth, Maplin, Poundworld - they've all disappeared over the last few years.  But W. H. Smith???  Say it isn't so!

Ha ha

My girlfriend told me she doesn't care what I buy her for Christmas as long as it has diamonds in it.  So - a pack of playing cards it is, then.

Group appointments?

Don't fancy the idea of doctors seeing patients in groups rather then individually.  I don't want to hear about other people's ailments, any more than I want them hearing about mine.  Don't know if this is a serious suggestion, but not for me, thank you.

Snake and chips?

Heard about the elderly couple in Manchester who opened their oven with the intention of cooking some chips, only to find a snake in there.  Probably an escaped pet attracted by the warmth it seems, and eventually captured by an RSPCA inspector.  Apparently the wife still fancied chips, but insisted her husband went down the local chippie to get them!

Doctor Who

Best seen as a work in progress, I think.  Disjointed plot which seemed to go nowhere.  Within the first ten minutes she had remembered that she used to be "a white-haired Scotsman" and yet spent the rest of the episode complaining that she didn't know who she was.  Sound wasn't great - I could really have done with subtitles.  Female Doctor?  For me, jury's still out I think.

Tipping the scales

If I were American (which, thank God, I'm not) I think I would be very concerned about the Supreme Court, as personified by its most recent judge, Justice Kavanaugh.  It's not about whether he may or may not have done something foolish when he was a teenager (didn't we all?).  It's not even about his very un-judge-like appearances and utterances over the last weeks.  What bothers me is that he is seen as a "conservative" judge who will tip the balance of the court that way, which when you think about it, is an unspoken acceptance that the Justices who make up the court are prejudiced and will not approach any case which comes before them with an open mind, but already have an inbuilt bias depending on whether they are "conservative" or "liberal".  And surely, that is something which should be worrying to everybody, of whichever political persuasion.  What you want from a judge, above all else, is an open mind.

Case proved?

Well, is wine good for you or not?  Conflicting opinions - who to believe?  The way I look at it, mankind has been drinking wine since at least biblical times, and mankind is still here.  And that's good enough for me.

Oops!

I was tickled to see that the health and safety people are having a go at the sex toy trade.  There is clearly a danger that such products can get stuck in various embarrassing places, and the manufacturers must now legally guard against this happening,  The mind boggles!

Fascinating fact

There's a 25% increase in heart attacks on the Monday after we put the clocks forward at the end of March.  Nobody quite knows why, although there are several theories.  Most are connected with the loss of an hour's sleep.  For what it's worth, on the Saturday afternoon, I put all the clocks forward an hour - bar one.  So on Saturday afternoon and evening, I'm already running on summer time.  All I have to remember is which clock is showing the real time!

Didn't see it coming.

What do we make of this girl who was struck in the eye (and possibly blinded) by a wayward shot at the Ryder Cup and is now - according to the media - considering suing the organisers for damages.  Dredging up my ancient legal knowledge, I'm sure there used to be a latin tag - I think it was "volenti non fit injuria" which means if you knowingly and voluntarily put yourself in a position of potential danger, you have no case if that danger happens and you are injured as a result.  Of course a lot of things have changed since then, so it will be interesting to see how this pans out.

Second time around

I've posted before about the ridiculousness - as I see it - of remaking successful films.  So why on earth has Steven Spielberg chosen to remake West Side Story?  I can't see how he can win - at best he will produce something as good as the original, and at worst he will destroy his reputation.  You can't improve on perfection.

Java jive

Yesterday was International Coffee Day, it seems.  Did you know that the optimal time for having your first cuppa is 10 a.m?  That's a bit late for me, and I would imagine, most of you.  I have a coffee machine by my bed and have my first cup watching the news around 7.30.  It's all to do with a hormone called cortisol apparently which gives you that "get up and go" feeling first thing in the morning (can't say I've ever experienced it myself) so you should wait until your cortisol level subsides before having your first cup of Joe - around 10 o' clock.  Well - each to his own.

I was ashamed!

I know it was Europe, and not just us, but did anybody else find the behaviour of the spectators at the Ryder Cup disrespectful, to the point of rudeness?  You do not boo your opponents.  You do not whoop and holler when they make a mistake.  Manners, people!

I'm not telling you where I live!

Have you heard of the Scunthorpe Problem?  No, me neither, although now I do know about it, it's impossible to ignore it.  If you look closely, you will see that Scunthorpe contains a vulgar four-letter word.  And you probably had to look closely, because it doesn't jump out at you, but if you're a computer, and have been programmed with a list of unacceptable words, it's clearly there.  And that's the Scunthorpe Problem - when a computer refuses to accept a name or a place-name because it contains a series of letters which it has been programmed to reject.  Some are obvious - there's a bloke who lives in California who rejoices (if that's the right word) in the surname of Dikshit - but some are more subtle.  Would you reject someone who lives in Clitheroe, for example?  The computer would!

Criss cross

Most people know of the phrase "crossing the rubicon" meaning to take an irrevocable step, and you probably know that it comes from ancient Rome and refers to Julius Caesar and his army crossing the river Rubicon, after which there was no turning back.  But where is the Rubicon?  And the surprising answer is - nobody's sure.  After the fall of Rome, map-making became of less and less importance, and just which river was called what became confused.  So we know roughly where it is. but precisely - no.

Ha ha - I think

I was talking to a university lecturer friend of mine the other day, and asked whether he didn't feel it a bit sexist that they offered a course in "Women's Studies" but not "Men's Studies".  "Oh, we do teach men's studies as well" he said. "It's called History".

Wrong target?

Have you heard about empty Walkers crisps packets being stuffed into post boxes?  It seems that said crisps packets cannot be recycled (although Walkers say this is being remedied) and so those who feel so inclined are making their protest by, as they see it, "posting" the empty packets back to Walkers.  Except of course that it's not really Walkers that are being inconvenienced, so much as the Post Office.

Inevitable?

Well, it's been coming, so I suppose we shouldn't be surprised.  Conwy council have signified that they intend to reduce rubbish bin collections to once a month.  And let's be clear - that's the way it's going generally, and it's just a matter of time before it reaches you and me.  The days of a weekly collection have long since gone - I'm now on fortnightly, and even though I live in my own I find that awkward at times.  In the long run, is the answer bigger bins??

Take a seat??

Anyone who has visited Venice knows that Rule No 1 is - do not sit down in St Mark's Square.  I first visited La Serenissima on a school trip in the early 1950s and remember that was drilled into us.  The reason of course is, then as now, the cafe owners all round the square charge top, top prices for their wares and if you are foolish enough to sit down to enjoy them, the price immediately doubles or trebles.  Only the other day, someone was complaining that they had been charged the best part of £40 for two coffees and two small bottles of water.  But now the city fathers intend to go one better, and charge you €500 for sitting down anywhere in the city other than in "designated" spots.  It's not clear whether this is designed to protect the city's infrastructure - it is of course slowly sinking - or whether it is in some way connected to what is seen as "unacceptable" behaviour by some tourists.  But whatever, think twice before resting your aching feet!

Stone me - again

Funny how, like buses, the same topics keep appearing one after the other - the Greek island of Skianthos, where "Mamma Mia" was filmed - have become so worried about tourists taking pebbles away from the beach as souvenirs that they are considering levying a fine of up to €1000 on anyone caught  taking them out of the country.

R.I.P.

As a one-time pub pianist, I cannot let the death of Chas Hodges (one half of Chas and Dave) pass without comment.  Their high point may have passed but their memory will live on.  Rabbit, rabbit.

Aaarrgghh!

Are you as fed up to the back teeth with Brexit as I am?  What is there to say that hasn't already been said - and there's still six months to go!  

Les mots justes

Funny how often The Simpsons comes up with the right words.  I've just been watching the episode where Ned Flanders is completing a questionnaire and to the question "Marital status" he replies "Happily married to a dead woman".  Oh yes, Ned.  Oh yes.

The wheel turns...

So several of the big energy suppliers are introducing fixed price deals whereby you pay a fixed monthly amount irrespective of how much electricity and gas you use.  Well, plus ça change and all that.  I used to be on something called Staywarm which worked the same way.  It started out in the early 2000s as a government initiative aimed specifically at pensioners and slowly wound down and became more restrictive until it was finally withdrawn in 2013.  It's true that you might have found you could get cheaper deals, but the way I saw it was you were paying for peace of mind - if it dropped cold, you didn't have to think twice before turning the heating up, because you knew it wouldn't cost you any more.  It seemed too good to be true, and in the end, sadly proved to be so.

Stoned again

Remember me telling you about my wife picking up stones from the beach?  Well, visitors to Bodmin Moor have taken to picking up stones and stacking them - no one quite knows why, but the authorities wish they would stop.  Unlike my wife, they're not taking them away, but by moving them, they may be weakening the structure they were part of - a dry stone wall for example.

Decisions, decisions.

On what basis should the State intervene to prevent citizens suffering a bad experience?  Should it be determined by (1) the severity of the experience, (2) the motive behind those causing it, or (3) how often it occurs?  I ask because the Home Secretary has decided that protests outside abortion clinics will not be banned.  Now you may have views for or against this, but what struck me was the basis on which he made his decision, which was that the number of such protests was proportionately small.  I cannot imagine what goes through a woman's mind when she attends such a clinic, but can only think it must be an unpleasant, emotional experience.  I would therefore think that reasons 1 and 2 should take priority.  But what the Home Sec seems to be saying is "Sorry if you were upset, but then, this isn't something which happens very often, so you'll just have to put up with it".  And personally, I don't think that's the right approach.

Did you know...

...that the Cannonball Run actually existed?  Known mainly for the film of that name, it was a genuine illegal road race between New York and California which took place on several occasions in the 1970s. The official record is 32 hours and 51 minutes.

R.I.P.

Dudley Sutton, who played the much loved Tinker Dill in the much loved (and sadly missed) TV series Lovejoy.

Colour blind?

We're used to thinking twice before using the word "black" for fear of being called racist - but "white"?  Apparently the Met consider that potentially racist too.  An officer taking a course has been reported for using the expression "whiter than white" when describing the standard of behaviour expected of a policeman.  Oh, come on - really??

R.I.P.

Fenella Fielding.  Oh, that voice....!

The Bible or the bottle?

In the week immediately following "9/11" alcoholic consumption in New York increased by 25% and attendances at places of worship by a similar amount.  It seems in times of crisis, New Yorkers turn to God or drink in more or less equal measure.

How the other half live...

The daughter of an Indian billionaire is starting university in Scotland.  But not for her some grotty student flat and a diet of spag bol, pot noodle and take-away pizza - her family have brought a property specifically for her, and she will be supported by a house manager, three housekeepers, a gardener, a housemaid, a butler, three footmen, a chef and a chauffeur.  Can't help thinking that she's not going to get the full uni experience!  

Tennis - continued

So who won the US Open women's final?  You see?  This will always be remembered as the match where Serena Williams had a melt-down and lost, and none but the most dedicated statto will be able to dredge up the name of Naomi Osaka, the Japanese winner.  It's not right, it's not fair, but that's the way it is.

Tennis

I have to come clean - I've never had any time for the Williams sisters.  Don't know why - can't point to any particular incident - just don't like them, and am always quietly pleased when they lose.  So given this, how do I feel about Serena's behaviour in losing the US Open final?  More specifically, was she the subject of discrimination?  Had she been a man, would she have been treated in the same way?  And I think the answer to that is - yes, but with a caveat.  Had she been a man, I don't think she would have behaved as she did - her outburst was essentially feminine.  And if you see that as misogynistic, so be it.  John McEnroe apart maybe, I don't think a male player would have reacted like that. So - and remember, you have to take into account that I don't like the woman - I think she was the author of her own misfortune.

Just a thought...

...but now that we have a female Doctor Who, where does that leave River Song?

R.I.P

Liz Fraser - everyone is saying "Carry On" but for me it's "Last Of The Summer Wine".   Remember when Compo dies, and they have to deal with his ferrets? They take them to the mysterious "Reggie" who he used to go and see every Thursday - and who turns out to be a female Reggie.  A role made for and beautifully played by Liz Fraser.

Smarter in September.

Apparently I'm at my intellectual best about now, Research shows that adults over the age of 70 are significantly cleverer at the start of autumn compared with the rest of the year.  Why this should be so is not immediately apparent but such statistics as there are suggest it is true.  So - watch me go!

It was a very good year...

Interesting to discover that the 999 emergency number system is only as old as me.  It started in 1937, my birth year.  This was back in the time when any phone call had to go through the operator and the need for such a system was highlighted when someone tried to alert the authorities to a serious fire but could not contact the operator who was busy with other calls.  Several people died in the fire, and the story got widespread publicity.  999 was chosen as it was relatively easy to dial in the dark on the rotating dial then in use.

The real thing?

Rum and raisin ice-cream - what a treat.  It's been around for years with no problem, so I assume the flavour used is artificial.  Why - well because an ice-cream maker in Derbyshire decided to go back to basics and make his rum and raisin by soaking the raisins in rum.  Result?  Because the resulting ice-cream ends up with slightly more than 0.5% alcohol he has been told that he cannot sell it without a licence, which could cost hundreds of pounds.  So it's back to the drawing board...?

Computer says no...

Worrying story that police in Norfolk intend to use a computer program to decide whether or not cases of burglary should be investigated.  We all know that police forces are under pressure, but the idea that this means that some crimes will be ignored is completely unacceptable, and to think that it will be a computer that makes such a decision is uncomfortable, to say the least.

The Lazy Cook

I claim no credit for this, which I nicked from my daily paper  Really yummy!

Breakfast crumpets

You will need -
Bacon bits - lardons for pref, otherwise bacon slices cut into really small pieces
Eggs
Grated parmesan
Crumpets (I still call then pikelets!)

Fry off the bacon until crispy.  Whisk the eggs in a bowl.  Remove bacon and add to eggs.  Retain bacon fat in pan.  Soak crumpets in mixture (don't just dunk - give them a good soak).  Place crumpets hole-side down (don't know why, but that's what it says) in frying pan and fry on both sides for about two minutes, pressing down with a spatula.  Serve dusted with parmesan.

Daylight saving

Here's a topic which hasn't cropped up for a fair bit, but apparently the EU are seriously considering staying on summer time all the year round.  Question - should we follow suit (irrespective of whether we're in the EU or not)?

Surplus of cream?

We talked about this some two years ago (see 6/10/16) and now we have the strawberry growers seriously suggesting that, if nothing is done, they will be in trouble next year if their seasonal pickers - mostly from Eastern Europe -  cannot get visas to enter  the country.  There's some talk of a robotic picker, but I think the problem is that it destroys as many strawberries as it picks.

Sliding....

It seems strange to be saying this, but I feel a little sorry for Wonga, who have had to call the administrators in,  They were pioneers in the field of short-term "pay day" loans, and like many other pioneers, they fell foul of various things they hadn't foreseen and others will now profit from their experiences while they go to the wall.

The Lazy Cook

And the answer to yesterday's question? Of course not - much too much like hard work! But I have put one on my shopping list!

Words

Flicking about the other day, I came across a recipe for Key Lime Pie and wondered "why Key Lime?".  So I looked it up and apparently key lime is simply a particularly flavoursome variety of lime which is indigenous to the Florida Keys.  And that started me on "Keys".  I must confess that I had always thought that "key" was probably an Americanisation of "quay", but apparently not so - the similarity in pronunciation is just coincidental.  The word derives from the Spanish cuyo meaning a small island.  So, shall I make a key lime pie?.... 

Not just me then.

Like many - if not most - of my generation, I was traumatised by the death of Bambi's mother in the Disney film, so I was fascinated to learn that in 2007 Time magazine produced an article on the Top 25 Horror Movies of all time.  And guess what's in at number 20 - Bambi!

The perfect storm?

Well - I've been waiting for it.  The cold Spring and hot dry Summer have combined to produce a bad harvest and we can look forward to higher food prices in the shops.  'Twas ever thus. At this time of year, farmers always come up with sob stories about the weather being too hot, too cold, too wet, too windy or too something else, but the punch line always is that there will be shortages of something or other and prices will rise.  Couldn't go wrong this year, could they?

Ha ha

Two factory workers were chatting.  One said "Watch me get the day off" and he climbs up and hangs upside down from the ceiling.  The boss walks in and asks him what he's doing.  "I'm a light bulb" replies the man.  "Oh, you poor soul" says the boss "you've obviously been working too hard.  Take the day off". He gets down and starts to leave and his co-worker follows him.  "And where do you think you're going?" asks the boss.  "I'm going home too" says the second man "I can't work in the dark".

Once upon a time...

Remember the theory about the film Grease? (see 5th June).  Well someone has come up with a similar take on the Snow White story.  It's generally accepted that the brothers Grimm did not invent the stories which bear their name, but rather wrote down stories which were already in circulation - stories which usually had some basis in fact.  The Snow White story is said to be based on the life of Margaretha von Waldeck, who was the daughter of a wealthy copper-miner who - as was common at the time - used child labour in his mines - hence the dwarves.  She was well liked, and when she died aged 21 just before she was due to be married stories about her began to circulate,  Prince Charming in this version of the story became the Angel of Death (notice he's always riding a white horse?  If you know your Bible you will know that Death rides a pale horse), and his kiss was the kiss of Death.  Think I prefer the Disney version.

If it ain't broke...

If I understand it - and I probably don't - the new GCSE grades (9 high down to 1) are equivalent to the old A* down to F, was it?  In which case, you have to ask - what's the point?  Why change things if nothing's really changed?

Beyond the pale...

...bu what is the pale?  Well a pale is a pointed stick, or stake (from the Latin palus) and from time immemorial societies have delineated their boundaries with fences, which are just pointed sticks stuck in the ground and linked together.  So long as you were inside the fence you came under the protection of the tribe, but once you ventured "beyond the pale" you were on your own.  Over time, the expression has come to mean going beyond the bounds of acceptable behaviour.

Well, stone me!

Say it isn't so - my darling wife was a putative criminal!  Whenever we went on holiday to the seaside - home or abroad - she would pick a stone from the beach and bring it home as a memento.  Never thought anything about it, but now it appears that - in this country at least - it's against the law to do so.  The relevant legislation is the Coastal Protection Act of 1949 and, as the name suggests, the purpose is to protect the coast from erosion.  Well, I won't tell if you don't!

What a jerk??

Jamie Oliver - British TV chef - has been accused of "cultural appropriation" for marketing something called Punchy Jerk Rice.  To the extent that I understand it, the charge is one of using (or rather misusing) a term associated with a particular culture to which you don't belong for commercial purposes.  Jerk, according to my dictionary, is a marinade used in Caribbean cooking, and the argument is that this rice dish of Jamie Oliver's does not contain the appropriate ingredients, and in any event, to quote many who have complained on social media, the only things you can jerk are chicken and pork, and  "there is no such thing as jerk rice".  Given the heat this has generated (no pun intended) the words "storm" and "teacup" spring to mind, but I leave it to you to decide.

What a mess

HMP Birmingham - back in my day it was Winson Green.  Always was a shit-hole.  Not surprised that G4S couldn't handle it.  Get the professionals in.  Clean the place up.  Reduce the number of inmates.  Establish some mutual respect.  It's not rocket-science.

Please come to us!

Changes this year to A-level testing means that a lot of students haven't got the grades they were expecting.  Which in turn means that Universities are facing a short-fall in students to whom they have offered places conditional upon them getting  grades which they now haven't got.  Universities of course get their money from the fees they charge their students, and this means that some Universities, rather than being over-subscribed and able to pick and choose as they have in past years. are now frantically trying to attract the number of students they need to balance the books.  Stories are circulating of prospective students being offered goodies like iPads or gym membership to try and persuade them to go to a particular Uni, rather than elsewhere.  It's suddenly become a buyer's market.

Between the Devil and the deep blue sea

Yesterday's post reminded of when I was in the RAF doing my National Service.  I was stationed in Germany and this was at the height of the Cold War.  I remember we had a lecture on the possibility of a nerve gas attack,  The consequences of such an attack were laid out in gruesome detail.  But it was OK, because if such an attack were really imminent, we would be issued with an antidote with which to inject ourselves.  The symptoms we should look out for were a bad headache, runny nose,  general fatigue and muscle weakness,  In other words, the same symptoms as a bad cold or 'flu,  If we experienced these, we should consider injecting ourselves with the antidote.  Problem?  The antidote was itself a poison, and if you got it wrong and it was just 'flu, the antidote would kill you!

Lesser of two evils?

I had a gas mask in the war - we all did.  I seem to remember that it was an offence to go out without it.  It was, of course, meant to keep us safe in the event of a gas attack.  What we didn't realise back then (thank goodness) was that the gas mask was probably far more dangerous to our health than the gas attack.  The filter in the mask was made, believe it it not, from blue asbestos and arsenic - both highly toxic substances.

R.I.P.

Aretha Franklin - the rather extreme, shout-y style of Southern gospel singing never really did anything for me, but if you were an aficionado then there's no doubt she was the dog's bollocks.  Certainly her passing is worthy of comment.

Decision time.

I think Ben Stokes is a lucky lad.  Whatever the law says, it is clear he got drunk and became involved in - perhaps even instigated - a public punch-up.  Certainly not the type I'd want living next door to me.  So, should he be welcomed back into the fold and play for England?  We've gone down this road before - to what extent does being chosen to play for your country - whatever the sport - carry with it an expectation that you are a person of a certain character?  The fact that I don't find him a particularly pleasant person doesn't alter the fact that he's a talented cricketer and on that basis alone, should be considered for inclusion in the team.  The ECB will have to consider whether he has brought the game into disrepute, and if so, what to do about it, but I'd have him in my team. whilst keeping a careful eye on him.

Different language

Have you seen the video of this motorway viaduct in Italy collapsing, and a voice in the background saying "Oh dear" over and over,  Seemed somewhat understated - until you realise that this is Italy, and he's not saying "Oh dear" he's saying "Oh Dio" - oh God!

Ha ha

 - Doctor, I keep forgetting things
 - And how long have you had this condition?
 - What condition?

Does the author have a say?

If you are adapting a book (or a series of books) for the screen - small or large - to what extent have you a duty to present your characters as they are described in the book(s)?  The latest screen portrayals of Hercule Poirot have him sporting a goatee beard.  Now those of us brought up on the David Suchet TV series - or who have read the books - know him as having a moustache, but otherwise clean-shaven.  And then there's the perennial - will the next James Bond be Idris Elba?  But he's black!  Ian Fleming describes his hero (or should that be anti-hero?) in some detail in the books, and he's clearly white.  Should it be allowed?  After all, they have given us M as a woman.  So, Poirot with a beard or a black James Bond - what do you think?  Are Agatha Christie and Ian Fleming resting peacefully in their graves, or spinning furiously?

Level up or level down?

So the Chancellor is minded to introduce a tax on online sellers to "level the playing field" between them and high street shops.  OK I see the logic, but how about us, the shoppers, the consumers?  I tend to use Amazon because I can get stuff there cheaper than from the High Street, but if, as a result of such a tax, Amazon have to increase their prices, this may please the shopkeepers, but how does it benefit me? If you want to level the playing field, then rather than penalise the online sellers with a tax, how about giving the high street sellers some financial relief through business rates or VAT or the like.  

My, how you've grown!

I never saw it, but I'm sure there was a film called something like "The man who went up a hill and came down a mountain".  In a case of life imitating Art a hill in Wales has been re-measured and now proudly qualifies as a mountain.

Pay rise - what pay rise?

Apparently some public servants who have been given a pay rise are finding out that, thanks to the way their pension contributions are calculated, they are ending up with less take-home pay than before!

In a puff of smoke?

So it's now over four years since Flight MH370 took off from Kuala Lumpur bound for Beijing and simply - disappeared.  The Malaysian government have released what they say is their final report on the matter, and which concludes that they have no idea what happened or why.  Of course, there are those who are not prepared to leave it at that.  The French police - there were four French on board - have said they are going to open their own investigation and others may follow their example.

Hello, my name's...

All credit to Costa Coffee who are going to set up dedicated tables for those who are willing to have a chat with their coffee.  To be known as "Chatter and natter" the idea is to provide somewhere for those looking for casual companionship to find it.  Good idea, I think - sort of going back to the origins of the coffee house,

Don't rely on the name!

The least punctual airline flying from UK airports has been named - and, don't laugh. it's called Whizz Air.

The Lazy Cook

The "Three P's" - pasta, pesto and parmesan.  Pasta of your choice - I find eating ribbon pasta is messy, so I prefer penne or orecchiette or similar.  Pesto - you could make it yourself, but this is lazy cooking, so get a jar from the supermarket.  Parmesan - block or ready-grated - your choice.  Cook and drain the pasta, add the pesto and serve with grated parmesan.  How easy is that?

Just saying...

Happy birthday, Thingy.  Keep 'em flying!

Phew, what a pong!

Suggestion we are going on to a three week schedule for waste bin pick-ups.  I live on my own, and will find that difficult, so Heaven help those with large, and particularly young families!

Well, they do wear aprons...

This gender re-identification business is in danger of getting silly.  The Freemasons are a society of very long standing which has always been open only to men.  They have now had to face the problem of men who identify as women, or vice versa.  And their solution?  Provided you were male when you joined you continue to be a member even though you now identify yourself as a woman. Equally a woman who now identifies as a man, can join.  Can't help feeling it's all a bit crazy.

Overshoot Day

Mean anything to you?  Probably not - and I had never heard of it until a couple of days ago.  It's the point in the year when what we have used of the earth's resources exceeds that which the earth is capable of producing in that year,  This year it was yesterday - August 1st - and the really bad news is that this date gets earlier every year.  It was first calculated in the mid 1980s, when the date was December 19th.  Scary, eh?

I yam wot I yam (Popeye)

This story comes from Canada, but is well worth telling.  A man bought a new car and asked for an insurance quite.  He was quoted some £2,600.  Just out of interest, he asked what the quote would have if he were a woman.  Answer £2,000. So - as you can do these days - he decided to officially identify as a woman.  Got a new birth certificate and everything, and saved himself some £600 a year.  It would be interesting to see what attitude the insurance company might take if he/she had an accident and put in a claim, but it's an interesting slant on this modern idea of gender re-identification.

Did you know...

...that the expression "cliffhanger" has its origins in a story by Thomas Hardy which was serialised in a magazine and one episode ended with the hero literally clinging to the edge of a cliff.

Do it right!

Do you dunk?  For those from Mars, dunking involves dipping your digestive biscuit into your cup of tea or coffee until it goes nice and soft.  It's a delicate procedure - overdo it and the biscuit may disintegrate into the cup, and that's a definite no-no.  What's brought this on?  McVitie's (who, again for those from Mars, make biscuits) have done a survey of what might be called "office etiquette" and apparently, dunking is frowned upon - particularly during meetings  So, you've been told!

Plus ça change...

When I studied law, thirty odd years ago now, I did a dissertation on divorce law.  I read it again the other day, and was astounded to find that so little had changed.  I - we - were talking about no-fault divorce law back then, and here we are, nearly forty years later, still talking about it.  

Unbelievable

Believe it or not, in Poland there is a bus route, number 666, that goes to.....HEL

'Ot, innit?

There are two sides to every coin.  These high temperatures may be a bit much for some, but the local vineyards of Halfpenny Green are loving it.  The owners are predicting a bumper crop of high quality grapes and reckon they will produce some 20,000 more bottles than normal.  I'm inclined to say that every cloud has a silver lining - though that's not really appropriate, is it - but I'm sure you get my dr.ift

Ha ha

Hey Sue, do you fancy going for a nice walk?
Oh Harry that would be wonderful.
Great - could you pick me up some beers and a packet of fags on your way back?

Put the kettle on?

Why do you feel hot - or cold?  If you think about it, it's because of the temperature differential between your body and the surrounding air.  If the air is hotter than your skin, you feel hot, and equally if the air is colder than your skin, you feel cold.  So if you're hot and want to cool down, you need to either reduce the temperature of the surrounding air (fans, air-con etc) or - and this seems completely counter-intuitive - increase the temperature of your body.  So, believe it or not,  a hot drink will cool you down!

Does not compute.

Feels strange to be siding with Jeremy Corbyn, but this idea that any criticism of Israel must of necessity amount to antisemitism I too find illogical and unacceptable.

Errrr...

I get more and more confused by Brexit.  As I understand it, the "hard" Brexiteers want us to just leave, and sort out the consequences afterwards.  So - how does this differ from a "no deal" exit?  Like I say, I'm confused.

Nice work if you can get it

So Boris Johnson, despite resigning as Foreign Secretary over a week ago, continues to live in the grace and favour residence which goes with that office.  And nobody seems to care??!

Campanology...

...that's bell-ringing to you and me.  It's a dying art, with fewer and fewer churches using their bells, or having the manpower to do so.  What bell-ringers there are tend to be in their later years and it doesn't seem to have much appeal for youngsters  Bells rang out throughout the country to mark the Armistice in 1918 and, if the personnel can be found, it is hoped that it can be done again on the centenary this year.

If...

We've talked before about whether works of art have any intrinsic value of their own, irrespective of who created them.  The question has arisen again at the University of Manchester, where Rudyard Kipling's poem "If" has been desecrated by some students - not, so far as I can see, on the basis that it has no literary merit, but purely on the basis that - in the eyes of these students - Kipling himself was a racist and an imperialist, and therefore his work should not be displayed.  Discuss, as they would say at University (but not Manchester apparently).

Oh dear.

They say that you can choose your friends but not your family.  I've come to like Thingy, but her family - or at least, some of them - seem like a right royal pain - no pun intended.

Too loud?

As a one-time organist, I should have known this, but the expression "to pull out all the stops" comes directly from the business of playing an organ.  Those knobs which you see running down each side of an organ keyboard are called stops, and you pull one of them out to couple up a particular series of pipes, and equally push it back in to decouple them.  Each series of pipes adds to the overall volume, so pulling them all out gives you maximum volume, and there you are.

1 and 1 is 10....

You remember the millennium bug?  The idea that on 1st January 2000 computers would go haywire as they tried to process the new date.  Came to nothing although to what  extent that was down to the fact that we were prepared for it will never be known.  Well, something similar may be about to happen in 2038.  A lot of computers don't store the date in conventional form, but as a number representing the number of seconds that have passed since 1.1.70.  This number is stored in a file of finite size, and at just after 3 o'clock in the morning of 19th January 2038 this file will be full.  And what happens then is that the computer will reset the date to 13th December 1901, and any program that relies on dates will be useless.  Well, we've got the best part of 20 years to come up with a fix, so I hope someone is on the case! 

Take it from me...

So we've moved on from lip-readers (see May 23rd) to "body language experts".  I'm getting rather tired of people telling me what's going on with other people based on their interpretation of what they think they've seen.  It's all guesswork anyway.  If somebody wants to tell me something, I prefer to hear it from them directly.

The Lazy Cook

Surely the simplest food cheat is pavlova - after all it's just meringue, fruit and cream.  If you're into that sort of thing, then make your own meringue - but really folks, who can be bothered?  You can buy a meringue nest from the supermarket and then it's just a matter of choosing your fruit - I particularly like pineapple - and getting a carton of double cream.  If you want to jazz it up a bit, mix the cream with some booze - white rum goes nicely with pineapple. and if you happen to have some coconut cream handy, you have a piña colada pavlova!

Watch my lips - but I never said that!

Oh, this has got to be the ultimate - Trump gives an interview to the Daily Mirror and when some of the things he said prove to be embarrassing, dismisses them as "fake news"!

World Cup

So that's it - game over.  I've just got one question - why oh why did we stop playing at half-time?

It's the ice-cream man!

So Britain's favourite ice-lolly is a Magnum?  Not mine!  I can't count the number of T-shirts I've had to discard after eating a Magnum as the chocolate shell splinters as you bite into it and deposits bits on my T-shirt which promptly melt and cause a stain.  My favourite ice-lolly is an orange one - essentially  an ice-cold orange drink on a stick.  Can't go wrong.

A what??!

I do try and keep up with modern trends, but what the hell is a cisgender lesbian??

Aargh - continued

And now of course I can't get the damned tune out of my head.  My grandkids didn't seem sure of some of the meanings, so for them, and anyone else of a tender age, here's an explanation -

Thirty years of hurt - The song first came out in 1996, thirty years after our one and only World Cup success.

Three lions on a shirt - the emblem of the England football team off and on since 1872

Jules Rimet still gleaming - Jules Rimet was President of FIFA  from 1921 until 1954, and mainly responsible for organising the competition we now know as the Wolrd Cup.  In his honour the original trophy was named the Jules Rimet trophy and it was this which was played for in 1966 and held aloft in triumph by Bobby Moore.  When Brazil won the World Cup for the third time in 1970 the trophy was presented to them permanently.  It was later stolen and never recovered.  The current trophy is just called The FIFA World Cup Trophy.

It's coming home - it is generally accepted that the game of Association Football as we know it today has its origins in the set of rules formulated by the newly formed Football Association in London in 1863.  It is therefore said that England "gave" the game to the rest of the world, and if we were to win the World Cup. the game would be "coming home".

Aargh!

I really used to enjoy Baddiel and Skinner, but if I hear that song one more time, I shall throw something heavy through the window!

World Cup

I'm getting a bit worried - that was almost too easy.  2-0 against Sweden, and well deserved.  Who's next?  Who's left?  Who cares?  We've already gone one step further then I expected so let's just go with the flow and enjoy it.

How much???

So Trump is coming here for three days starting next Thursday at a cost of £30m.  It's not clear who will be footing the bill, 'though I've a nasty feeling it will be us.  His itinerary appears to have been designed to keep him away from London, and indeed the poor Scots seem to be bearing the brunt.  I assume somebody has done the maths and reckons it's worth it.  Personally I would rather he didn't come, but there you are.

What to wear, what to wear...

School uniform - skirts or trousers?  Used to be so simple - trousers for boys, skirts for girls,  But then you got girls who didn't like wearing skirts (my young granddaughter for one), and - particularly in this hot weather - boys who prefer to wear skirts. And this is before you start dealing with boys who identify as female - or vice versa. You would think that the obvious answer is to let kids decide for themselves what to wear, but then of course you come up against schools who demand the right to formulate their own uniform policy and to discipline any pupil who fails to comply.  It's a right mess!

World Cup

Well, how do we feel now?  The Belgian match didn't tell us anything - it was our B-side against their B-side with nothing much riding on it.  But the Columbia game was a different kettle of fish.  We did lay to rest our penalty-shoot-out hoodoo but in my book we should have put the tie to bed well inside 90 minutes,  My concern is that our goals are mainly coming from penalties - in open play we don't seem to have the skill or guile to cut through defences.  And Sweden - who we meet next - are a very good defensive side...

I wanna hold your hand...

Should gay men hold hands in public?  "No one should ever have to hide who they are or who they love" said the Prime Minister commenting on a survey which revealed that a majority of LGBT people fear about being open about their relationship in public. I think it's less to do with LGBT relationships than it is with social norms. If you see two girls or women holding hands you are unlikely to immediately jump to the conclusion that they are in a lesbian relationship, because that's what women do - they are much more touchy-feely than us men.  Two men holding hands on the other hand is unusual enough for your immediate reaction to be to look for a reason - the most obvious being that they are a gay couple.  If I'm right then the answer to my question is - they should think carefully about it.  Social norms change very slowly and should be observed unless you are determined to make a statement, or otherwise have a very good reason for not doing so.

Overload

Did the schedulers realise that the final matches of the World Cup would clash with Wimbledon?  Did they even think of that?  Thank Heaven for BBC's iPlayer!

Twelve years later...

...amazingly the question of adding folic acid to bread still hasn't been settled. See post dated 11/4/06.  The Government are to discuss the matter (again!) this week.  What's that saying about wheels grinding slowly?

Ha ha

Knock knock
Who's there?
Nobel
Nobel who?
No bell. That's why I knocked.

Pound of flesh?

So David Duckenfield, who was "in charge" at Hillsborough in 1989 when 95 people were killed by crushing at a football match, is to be charged with manslaughter by gross negligence in respect of their deaths.  Crazy!!

Stranger than fiction

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was of course the author of the Sherlock Holmes stories, but what is perhaps less well known is that he took an interest in intervening in real life cases using Holmes's methods to show that a miscarriage of justice had taken place.  Perhaps the best known of these (because a book was written about it) was the case of Oscar Slater, who had spent 16 years in prison for a murder he did not commit, but round our way he is best known for intervening in the case of George Edalji. This was in the late 1800s when just having a name like Edalji was enough to arouse suspicions that you must be a "wrong 'un", so when a series of local horse maimings took place, Edalji quickly became prime suspect. and he was tried and convicted.  Enter Conan Doyle who soon established that Edalji could not have committed the offences and he was subsequently pardoned.

At last?

When the Civil Partnership Act was passed in 2004 it brought about the ridiculous situation whereby same sex couples could enter into such legal partnerships,but heterosexual couples could not - for them it was marriage or nothing.  It was accepted from day one that this was a nonsense, but it has taken a 14 year journey through the courts to put things right - and even now, the Government can if they wish ignore the Supreme Court's ruling that the 2004 Act was incompatible with human rights laws and simply leave things as they are.  But let's hope that common sense at last prevails, eh?

This carrot looks just like a...

Morrisons - which I'm sure regular readers of this blog will know - is my supermarket of choice, seem to have hit the jackpot with their "wonky"  fruit and veg.  These are undersize or misshapen examples which they sell in special packs at a reduced price. Originally designed to cut down on waste - this is stuff which traditionally would have been thrown away- it's selling well  and now accounts for some 12% of all fruit and veg sold.  I hope whoever thought up the idea has got his or her just rewards.

Get out!?!

It seems that gender division is still alive and well despite the best efforts of feminists - and ironically it is women who are causing the problem.  Organisations which cater for women only are being allowed to exclude men who identify as female, whereas men-only organisations will not be allowed to exclude women who identify as male.  Got that??

World Cup

So, we've won our second match, and handsomely.  Were we that good, or were Panama that bad?  I think the main plus for me was that, for the first time in a long time, we seemed to have a plan - we seemed to know what we were trying to do, rather than aimlessly passing the ball around and hoping that something would happen.  So my expectation has gone up a notch, but there's still a long way to go, and some good teams still out there.

Tick, tock

On which arm do you wear your wristwatch?  Chances are that it's the left - but why?  I've been thinking about this, and I reckon it goes back to the days before battery-operated watches, when you had to wind them up.  Worn on the left wrist, the winder would be readily available, whereas on the right wrist it would be on the "wrong" side and winding would be awkward.  

Gorra spare pencil?

It seems some schools are asking parents to pay for pens, pencils and such, and this is seen as proof that the education system is under-funded.  Well maybe, maybe not, but I remember when I went to "big school" we were all supposed to turn up with a geometry set (compass, protractor and such), a ruler. a set of pencils of varying hardness, and a fountain pen.  The general rule, as I remember it, was that the school were responsible for providing books - text books and exercise books  - but the pupil was responsible for providing any other necessary equipment.  I seem to remember that this was accepted as the norm back then without comment.  So what's changed?

Dead parrot?

Apparently, if Monty Python were put forward to the BBC for consideration as a show today it wouldn't stand a chance.  Not because it isn't funny - which it still is, despite some of the humour being a bit dated - but simply because the BBC today would not be interested in a show involving "six Oxbridge white blokes".  Not quite sure how I feel about that.

Concentrate on what's important.

Cannabis oil again - see last Monday.  Let's be clear - the waters are being muddied by those who are arguing for the decriminalising of cannabis generally.  But this isn't (or shouldn't be) the question.  We are talking about the plant, or its derivatives, being used as medicine.  The question is simple - should doctors be free to prescribe these things if appropriate?  This is quite distinct from the question of whether cannabis should be publicly available.  Let's keep our eye on the ball here.

World Cup

Well - are you getting excited?  We've won our first game!  The way some people are behaving you would think the Cup is as good as ours.  Reality folks.  Am I the only one who thought that, apart from the first 20 minutes or so, we looked very ordinary.  Not as bad as in some previous competitions, but nothing to make me think other than, once again, the best we can hope for is quarter-finals.  Hope I'm proved wrong but...

What's in a name?

When I first heard that England would be playing their opening match of the World Cup in Volgograd, it meant nothing to me - nor I imagine, to most of you.  But when I learned hat Volgograd used to be Stalingrad... Oh boy, did that resonate!

Prime directive?

Can't understand all this argument about cannabis oil.  You have a very sick child, and you have something which will, if not cure him, at least alleviate his symptoms.  So you use it - how could you not?  It's illegal in this country - so what?  Help the child - deal with the question of illegality in due course but first and foremost HELP THE CHILD.

Nice one!

Best Father's Day card -
"Dad, just think - without me, today would be just --- Sunday!" 

Ha ha

"During the Second World War, my grandfather single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had".

Gun...foot...BANG.

The town of Chepstow has erected a banner proudly proclaiming itself as "Plastic Free Chepstow".  Problem?  The banner is made of plastic! 

Is this a dagger...?

...well, Macbeth asked the question, and the answer depends on how many cutting edges it has.  If one, it is a knife.  If two, it is a dagger.

Te absolvo...

The President of the United States can ex officio grant pardons.  This is something which traditionally, outgoing Presidents do - if at all -  as a final act of their presidency.  But of course, Trump is not your standard President.  He has talked about pardoning Mohammed Ali, despite their being no offence for which to pardon him.  Even more bizarrely, he is considering pardoning himself - even though, as he himself says - he has done nothing wrong. Funny old world these days, isn't it?

Bugs Bunny beware!

Apparently carrots and lettuce are bad for rabbits!  Who'd have thought?

R.I.P.

Maria Bueno - one of the classiest players to have ever graced a tennis court. I always rooted for her.

Many happy returns, returns...

Why does the Queen have two birthdays?  Actually, it's more the Monarch rather than the current Queen.  The idea goes back to George II, whose birthday was in November.  It was felt that his birthday should be a time for public celebration, and as November can be cold and wet, he instigated an "official" birthday in June.  It's not a fixed date - it takes place on the second Saturday in the month.

Mother's ruin

Did you know it's World Gin Day?  What used to be "Auntie's drink" has developed over the years into a range of highly sophisticated botanical flavoured drinks appealing to the younger palate.  Expensive, mind you, but I'm sure my granddaughter will be out there celebrating.

But I've got a hole in my sock.

Do you feel different with your shoes off?  Calmer?  More intelligent?  I ask because a school in London has introduced a policy of everyone - pupils and teachers - taking off their shoes while on the school premises. The idea apparently comes from Finland where there is evidence that this produces better grades and better behaviour.  On the other hand, as one parent put it, not everybody is happy in "a smelly feet environment".

Just don't mention penalties!

With just a few days to go, is it time to start talking about the World Cup, and England's chances?  The bookies make us 18/1 to win, but the general feeling is that the true odds are nearer 25/1.  Brazil are favourites, with Germany or Spain most likely to be the other finalists.  Some Australian academics have come up with a mathematical model  which suggests we are likely to survive the group stage, but will then probably come to grief in the round of 16.  Keep your money in your pocket is my advice, at least until we have had a good look at the runners and riders.

Then and now.

It now seems that the Liverpool goalkeeper in the recent Champions League Cup Final may have been suffering from concussion and that this might explain a couple of errors he made which contributed to their defeat.  Not to belittle him, but anybody remember when Bert Trautmann, Manchester City's goalie played the last quarter of an hour or so of the F A Cup Final in 1956 with a broken neck?  This was before substitutes were allowed, and Trautmann played on in agony rather than have his side reduced to ten men.

Hopelessly devoted.

Have you heard about the theory surrounding the film "Grease"?  It goes like this - Danny and Sandy did indeed meet on the beach during the holiday before the film starts, but Sandy drowned.  Her body was taken to hospital and kept artificially alive and the film is her dream during this time.  Those who subscribe to this theory point to the end of the film when Danny and Sandy drive off in a car which takes to the skies - where else but on its way to heaven?

Are you with us, or not?

Just what do the DUP want?  They are the Northern Ireland party who are propping up the Tories, but seem to be undecided as to precisely what their stance should be.  On the one hand, they are adamant that they are part of the United Kingdom and as far as Brexit is concerned, for example. they must be treated exactly the same as England, Scotland and Wales.  But when it comes to the question of abortion, where they are completely out of step with the rest of the UK, they demand that they should be allowed to go their own way.  So they want to have their cake and eat it too?

Er...where's the brake?

The other day I went a drive in the car - happens less and less frequently these days.  But the point I want to make is that I went somewhere I have never been to before along a route which, to the best of my recollection, I have never travelled before.  So, did I need any special preparation for this?  No, of course not.  Why am I going on like this?  Well, one of the factors which is being blamed for the chaos over the new rail timetables being introduced is that the drivers have not been trained on the new routes they will have to travel.  But why do they need training?  You get in, switch on, and then go where the tracks take you.  You obey the signals and any speed advisories, but other than that, why do you need training?  Is this just an excuse?

Diddums den?

An actor in one of the soaps is suing Thomas Cook in respect of a holiday he and his family had with them which did not live up to expectations.  Specifically?  He had to queue for breakfast and needed to get up early to make sure he got a sunbed at the poolside.  Sounds like a normal package holiday to me.  There are always those who will find something to complain about, and it seems he is one such.  The fact that he is (apparently) a well-known actor may make his grouses more newsworthy - doesn't make them any the more valid.

Pass the sauce

What do you have on your chips?  Well, salt and vinegar, but I'm thinking more of sauce.  Tomato sauce for me, but I remember when I was in the forces stationed near the Dutch border, and we used to nip over every now and again, we were introduced to the idea of having mayonnaise on our chips, as the locals did.  It seems once again that there's a bit of a north/south divide in this country, with the north favouring barbecue flavourings and the south hot and spicy, like piri-piri and harissa.  For me, I think a lot depends on what I am having my chips with, but you can't go wrong with tomato ketchup.