Woof, woof.

A dog barked at a lad who was passing - well they do, don't they? The lad barked back at the dog - perhaps a slightly unusual response, but not, you would think, one that would get him into trouble. But wait - the Police arrest him. Quite what for doesn't appear to be clear. Either for some sort of public order offence, or for causing distress to the animal, it would seem. So far, so stupid, but then he is brought before the magistrates who decide that he has in fact caused distress to the dog (how did they know?) and fine him £50 and costs. He appeals and the case is heard in the Crown Court where it is thrown out when the prosecution offer no evidence. So why am I telling you about this? Because you and I - taxpayers - will have to fork out some £8,000 to cover the costs of the case. Pathetic, isn't it?

In the bag.

As an example of how to take a basically worthy idea and then lose the plot, look no further than this business of the Sainsbury's "I'm not a plastic bag" bag. What apparently started as an attempt to provide shoppers with an alternative and environmentally friendly way to carry their shopping has turned into an unseemly scramble for what has become a must-have fashion accessory, with examples appearing on eBay for hundreds of pounds - and is anybody actually using them as shopping bags? Indeed, my weekly shop invariably needs four or five bags to carry it home, so even at the base price of £5 a pop, that's £20-25 and for that sort of money, I wouldn't be using them for dirty vegetables and leaky salad containers. I think I'll wait until it comes out in paperback!

Self-defeating legislation?

What do you make of this suggestion that parents should be prosecuted for allowing their young children to drink alcohol at home? Nanny state again? I suppose the way to approach this is to ask two questions - (1) to what extent is under-age drinking a problem, and (2) will this suggestion do anything to alter matters? There certainly seems to be evidence that alcohol consumption by those in their early teens has significantly increased in recent years, and the concern is that this is a "ticking time-bomb" for the NHS in years to come. Whether this is sufficient of a problem to justify legislative interference is a moot point. As to the second question, I think you can divide parents into three groups as regards their attitude to drinking by their children
- those who do not allow any drinking at all
- those who allow supervised drinking in moderation, usually with meals
- those who don't care and let their children drink what they want when they want
Obviously legislation such as is being proposed will have no effect on the first group, will almost certainly be ignored by the last group, so the only group likely to be affected will be the second group, who I think most of us would agree are not the problem.

Who trod on the cat?

Lots of stories and comment in the media concerning the forthcoming elections for the Scottish parliament, and of the real possibility that power there will pass into the hands of the SNP and what that might mean for the future of the Union. I don't know why, but all this brought to mind the old saying that a gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes - but doesn't!

I'm a coroner - get me out of here!

The decision by Lady Butler-Sloss to withdraw as coroner for the inquests into the deaths of Diana, Princess of Wales and Dodi Fayed will I fear do nothing for the reputation of the English Judiciary, and certainly do nothing except add fuel to the fire of the conspiracy theorists. Mind you, I can well understand her desire to get out from under. This job has become the poisoned chalice to end all poisoned chalices. You wonder who Lord Justice Scott Baker has offended to find himself lumbered with it.

Annual report

1st anniversary of the death of my wife, and with apologies to Edna St. Vincent Millay for my slight adaptation to her Sonnet No. 2, which so precisely hits the spot -

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss her in the weeping of the rain;
I want her at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.

There are a hundred places where I fear
To go, -- so with her memory they stir.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell her foot or shone her face
I say, "There is no memory of her here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering her.

Probability 101.

Let's talk about knowledge and perception - with particular regard to this business of phone-in quiz shows which has featured so much in the news lately. Let's assume such a quiz show results in 1000 people calling in with the correct answer, and that they are numbered 1 to 1000 according to the order in which their calls are received. Now let's assume that, once the lines are closed, the computer randomly picks caller number 27 as the winner. This apparently would be considered as a fair quiz. But now suppose that the computer picks 27 as the winning call before the lines open - or even maybe weeks or months in advance. Provided this information is kept secret, statistically or probability-wise it makes not the slightest difference to anyone's chances - 27 is going to win, everybody else is going to lose. So why should this be considered a rip-off? The answer has nothing to do with statistics or probability, and everything to do with perception. As long as you know (or think you know!) that the winner has not been chosen, you feel you are in with a chance. In reality, provided always that the selection is made from a number at least as great as the number of successful callers, your chance is exactly the same, whether or not the choice has already been made.

Time for a rethink?

The argument against pulling our troops out of Iraq has always been that it would make a bad situation worse, but I really think we have reached the stage now of asking the question - could it be any worse? Getting out would certainly not make things any better and there's a strong argument that we have a responsibility to deal with a mess which we have helped create, but I am coming round to the view that whether our troops are there or not will make no difference to what is happening in that unfortunate country, and in those circumstances you obviously bring them home.

Get real.

More stories in the papers about soaring house prices making it difficult, if not impossible, for young first-time buyers to get their foot on the property ladder. I'm never quite sure whether the problem isn't more about unreasonable expectation. I was well into my 20's when I got married, and frankly, like I suspect most people in that position at that time, I never expected to be able to buy a house right away - the plan always was that we would rent until we had saved enough money to be able to think about buying. And that's how it worked out. Today a couple getting married seem to think that buying a house comes as an essential part of the package, and that if they can't afford it, they have somehow failed. Perhaps a dose of reality is what is required.

Check your facts.

A yacht has been discovered drifting off the coast of Queensland Australia, with food on the table and computers running, but no sign of the crew. The media of course have immediately labelled this a "Marie Celeste type mystery". There are a lot of myths surrounding that 19th century vessel, but none more so than that regarding its name - it was the MARY Celeste!

Spot the difference..

I have no wish to in any way belittle what happened at Virginia Tech on Monday, but even today, three days after the event, my paper is devoting several pages to it, whereas the killing of about 140 people in a Baghdad market by a car bomb (very bad even by Iraqi standards) rates just half a page. Two terrible, wicked events, but with very different treatment.

Too late, mate!

Have you heard about this site where you can post petitions to the Government and get others to sign? It became famous for the petition against road charging which garnered nearly a quarter of a million signatures. Well there's a petition on there to "save Walsall", but as somebody who lives not a million miles away from that benighted town, I fear it's well beyond saving! As at today, only eight people have signed, which I think speaks for itself.

Joined up thinking.

A few weeks back, a local well-used road was closed for three weeks for re-surfacing. Not too much of a problem, because plenty of notice was given and there was a reasonable diversion available. However, what was obvious to anyone with local knowledge and half a brain was that as a result of traffic using this diversion, there would be far more cars than usual wanting to turn right at a set of traffic lights, and that this would cause major queues unless the phasing of the lights were changed, or temporary lights installed. Like I say, this was a blindingly obvious effect of setting up the diversion. So was anything done? Was it buggery! Does nobody think beyond the edge of their own desk? Is it beyond the scope of the average bureaucrat's intelligence to work out that if you do A, the result will be B, and whether or not B is your responsibility, you should at least give some thought as to whether and how it could be dealt with.

Compare and contrast.

A lot of people (yes, including me) regularly complain about the way this country is turning into a "nanny state" where we are just about regulated to a standstill, but when you see what is happening in the US, as a result of their unwillingness to embrace even the most basic level of gun control - particularly as regards young people - then maybe the nanny state is the lesser of two evils.

Ha ha

Time for another joke, I feel:
A few years ago Steven Spielberg was toying with the idea of a film about the lives of the great composers, and he was discussing this project with Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and asking them who they fancied playing.
"I've always admired Mozart" said Stallone, "I see him as an unconventional genius in a world that demanded convention. I'd like to play him."
"I fancy having a shot at Chopin" said Willis "tempestuous, sensual, romantic - right up my street. Yes, I'll do Chopin"
"And what about you, Arnie?" said Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger thought for a moment, then said "I'll be Bach".

I do not believe it!

They say lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, but (see post of 9/4/06) my Grand National system came up this time with Point Barrow, and guess what - fell at the first fence - again!

The plane now landing in the high street....

We're used to stories of sat-navs in cars sending drivers up dead ends and to the edge of cliffs, but have you seen the one about BA's in-flight maps showing Stanstead Airport as being at the small village of Stanstead in Kent, rather than where it really is - 40 miles away at Stanstead in Essex? Someone having a laugh, perhaps?

Hard cases make bad law.

However much sympathy one may have for the lady who has finally lost her legal battle to use frozen fertilised embryos created by her and her (now ex-)boyfriend in an attempt to become pregnant, following his withdrawing consent to such use, the fact is that the law is clear that the consent of both parties is required, and that they both were well aware of what the law was when the embryos were initially fertilised. I'm afraid that the Diane Blood case back in the '90s started us on a slippery slope where clear law can be challenged on purely emotional grounds. Fight for a change in the law by all means, but otherwise, like the rest of us, you have to accept it as it is.

Causa causans.

Just who was responsible for the trouble at the recent football matches involving English teams in Italy and Spain? To hear some of the fans talk, it was all down to the local Police, who, according to them, "over-reacted". But the important word there is "re-acted". No-one is suggesting that the Police simply waded in and started roughing up fans just for the hell of it. They were re-acting to violence initiated by some of the fans. The way they went about it may be different and more robust than we are used to in this country, but if you venture abroad you have to be prepared to accept their way of doing things. The fact is that if the fans had behaved themselves, the Police would not have had cause to intervene. So let's put the blame squarely where it belongs - on those fans who chose to make trouble.

What are you doing here?

It would appear that a majority of people admit to spending long periods aimlessly surfing the Net (wilfing, it's called, short for "What was I looking for?"). It's been estimated, by those who delight in estimating such things, that this is the equivalent of wasting something like two days a month. So stop reading this and get back to work immediately!!

Tell or sell?

What a mess this Iranian "hostage" thing has turned into. It seems to be generally accepted that the idea of those involved being able to sell their stories to the media is at best in bad taste, and at worst totally unacceptable. But why? There seem to be two main arguments - the first is that as service personnel they should not be allowed to give interviews about anything which has happened to them as such, and the second is that, even if that rule is relaxed, they should not accept payment for doing so. Had they been civilians, I cannot imagine there would have been so much fuss, so it does seem to be more related to their military status. Whatever, the MoD has really handled the whole thing ineptly, and put the people involved in a very awkward position, and the Defence Secretary's late intervention has just added to the chaotic nature of the situation. Somebody needs to get their act together.

Right to roam?

If you went out into your back garden today, and found strangers wandering around there, you would, I would imagine, be somewhat bemused and miffed, and if, on enquiring what they were doing there, the answer you got was something like "This is such a beautiful garden, you have no right to keep it to yourself - it should be open to everybody", you would probably think - what a nerve! And yet, this is exactly what David Miliband, the Environment Secretary, is proposing to do if your land happens to be on the coast. He is proposing to create a coastal corridor all the way round the country where anyone will have the right to walk, have a picnic, pitch a tent or whatever. And if that corridor happens to cross your back garden, or a field where you're growing stuff, then tough apparently!

Pragmatism.

If you're approached by a mugger in the street brandishing a knife, who demands your money, what do you do? If you've any sense, you hand over your wallet, mobile phone and anything else he wants - survival is the name of the game. Why should things have been any different for those sailors and marines taken and held by the Iranians? Do what they want, say what they want you to say, do whatever is necessary to survive and get back home. In my view they have absolutely nothing to reproach themselves for. Those armchair generals who are now suggesting they should have resisted more would perhaps like to go and try it themselves?

Stop that this minute!

Apparently we're not only going to be observed by CCTV cameras, but the future is that we're going to be harangued by them as well. A pilot scheme in Middlesbrough where cameras have been linked to loudspeakers so that those observed misbehaving can be told to stop has proved so successful that it is to be rolled out into other areas. Are you watching up there, Mr. Orwell?

Hot cross buns

Like many traditions associated with Christianity, hot cross buns were originally a pagan rite which the Church adopted and reinvented for itself. The cross originally represented the four quarters of the moon. The association with the Christian cross seems to date back no further than the 14th century. It is said that a hot cross bun baked on Good Friday will never go mouldy, but that's probably because they're so yummy that they never get the chance!

Maundy Thursday

As an enquiring agnostic looking in from the outside as it were, it has always struck me as strange that for most people - even many churchgoers - Easter starts on Good Friday, and today passes more or less without comment. And yet this is the day of the Last Supper and of Jesus's arrest. This is where it all begins. The formal ritual of the Queen giving money to the poor on this day relates back to Jesus washing his disciples' feet, and the name Maundy comes (somewhat tortuously) from the Latin "mandatum" meaning commandment, for whilst doing this, Jesus is reported as saying "A new commandment I give unto you" which in Latin comes out as "Mandatum novum do vobis".

Taxing questions

The row which is bubbling up about Gordon Brown's decision to scrap the tax credit for dividends in pension funds back in 1997 portrays him as a sly, underhand character stealing people's money by deception. He may well be such a character, but surely no-one believes he stuck this money in his back pocket and snuck off with it? The point is of course, that this money went into the general tax pot, and was spent on things which otherwise would have had to do without it. You can argue about the way Government spends its money, but the brutal fact is that it only has a finite amount at its disposal, and what is spent (or given away through credits) on one thing cannot be spent on another. It would certainly have been better if the argument had been thrashed out in the open, rather than introduced by subterfuge, but one of the things we elect governments to do is to decide priorities in spending the money raised by taxation, which inevitably means that there will be losers as well as winners. Whether this was a good or bad decision is up to individuals to judge, but it was certainly one Gordon Brown was entitled to make.

Testing times.

Apparently the "Britishness Test" which already applies to those seeking British citizenship is being extended to those wishing to live here without becoming citizens. It's supposed to test your knowledge of the country's laws, constitution and customs. A question which keeps cropping up is "Which courts use juries?" Your multiple choice answers are (a) Magistrates Courts (b) County Courts (c) Crown Courts. The answer they are looking for, and which will be judged as correct is (c), which completely ignores the fact that you can have juries in County Courts - not very common, to be sure, but it does happen. Perhaps those setting the questions should take the test themselves?

Sweet FA?

So the Football Association have signed a deal which will mean England and FA Cup matches will move from BBC to ITV from August next year. A good deal for the FA perhaps, but I'm not so sure about the viewing public. Formula 1 motor racing has never been the same since it moved - ITV have turned it into a personality circus - and worse, a personality circus with commercial breaks! The Boat Race has become more about the rowers than the race since ITV took it over. And in Lineker and Hanson the BBC have two of the best and most honest analysts in the game. Even if, as has been suggested, they may move to ITV when the new deal comes into operation, will they be allowed to be as forthright and trenchant as they are at present? Money talks, I know, but deep down I feel that if the FA really have the best interests of the game - and that means all the clubs, and the fans - at heart, they have made a bad error of judgment.

Thoughtless dog owners.

The Chinese apparently have a plan to turn panda er...droppings into paper. I wonder if they could do something similar with the doggy-do which keeps appearing on my front lawn. Perhaps they could turn it into a notice saying "Please do not let your dog crap on my grass"!