Ha ha

Wife - Where are you? Why aren’t you home yet?

Husband - Love, do you remember the jewellery shop on the high street where you saw that diamond necklace and fell in love with it and I couldn’t afford it then, but I said "I will get it for you one day"?

Wife (all excited) - Yes I do, I do.

Husband - Well I'm in the pub just over the road from there.

Add to the list...

Bi-sexual, trans-sexual, a-sexual ...  I think I just about understand what those mean, but now it seems we have to deal with demi-sexual.  As far as I can get a grip on that, it describes somebody, of either gender, who is not interested in casual relationships or one-night stands, and who is incapable of sexual feelings towards anybody until and unless they have first established a strong emotional relationship. But hang on - I can only speak for myself, but isn't that pretty well how it's supposed to work?  Love comes first - sex follows.  So a demi-sexual is somebody who is not a slag - or whatever the male equivalent is - someone who doesn't jump into bed with the first person they come across, but looks for a relationship first and foremost.  In other words - dare I say - normal?

What a mess!

Was it Groucho Marx who said something like "I wouldn't want to belong to any club which would have me as a member"?  I'm beginning to feel the same about Brexit.  It seems more and more politicos are suggesting that, yes we should leave the EU, but that there should then be a transitional period during which for all piratical purposes, we would still be in it!  And more and more it is being suggested that this transitional period should be open-ended.  So we'd be out and in all at the same time!  Spot the difference?  Those who voted to leave as a way of controlling immigration must be spitting blood!

Look what I've found!

You can't "discover" something which is already there.  At least this is the basis on which Australian aborigines are objecting to statues of Captain Cook which describe him as the "discoverer" of Australia. And of course that's right - you could equally argue that Christopher Columbus did not discover America and so on.  But think about it - in order to discover anything it has to be already there in order to be discovered.   So it's all a bit silly really when you think about it.

Pardon?

I knew that an outgoing US President had the power to pardon convicted criminals - I remember reading a thriller (was it Grisham?) based on that very theme - but I didn't realise that a President always had that power throughout his term.  It's come to light because Trump has recently come under fire for pardoning a sheriff mate of his who was convicted of what was seen as a racist offence. What's that old saying - "It's not what you know..."?

Alt-right

So, just what is it?  Like most labels, the answer is not straightforward, because different people put their own slant on it.  I think everybody agrees it stands for "alternative-right", but beyond that, it depends who you talk to.  To many, it's just a different way of saying "extreme right" but for others it specifically means white nationalism and even more extreme views, like antisemitism, neo-Nazism, homophobia and the like.  Very much a "we hate (fill in the blank)" movement.  It was clearly always there, bubbling under the surface, but there's no doubt it has been energised by the election of President Trump and his "make America great again" slogan.

Letters and numbers

Can't understand why there's such a fuss about the GCSE grading being altered from the old A*- G to the new 9-1.  Seems simple enough to me - if you're an employer interviewing for a position and looking for an intellectual high-flyer, you would ideally have been looking for an A* candidate under the old system, and now equally ideally you're looking for someone with a 9.  What's the problem?

The Carabao Cup

The what??  It's the latest incarnation of what started out life 50-odd years ago as the Football League Cup, and was the League's answer to the F A Cup.  All was OK until the League opened the competition up to sponsors, and as a sweetener agreed to the Cup being named after its sponsor - since when it's  been the Milk Cup, Littlewoods Cup, Rumbelows Cup, Coca-Cola Cup, Worthington Cup, Carling Cup, Capital One Cup, EFL Cup, and currently the afore-mentioned Carabao Cup. Carabao by the way is a Thai energy drink.

The bells, the bells....

Tuned in to watch and listen to Big Ben chiming at midday on Monday - last time, other than for special occasions, that it will sound for four years apparently while renovation and repairs are done. And I had this sudden existential thought - shall I still be here in four years' time to see and hear its re-appearance.  And that thought brought me up short, I can tell you!

Problems, problems...

Find it very difficult to understand how it (apparently) was ever the case that abusive behaviour online was treated differently from abusive behaviour in the "real world". And yet, it seems it was so, because prosecutors have now been told to treat them the same - the implication being that they haven't been up until now  I've spoken before about what I see as the potential evils of social media, where you can spew out poison and vitriol whilst remaining anonymous.  Quite what you do about it, I'm not sure.  The logical thing is to require anybody using Facebook or Twitter or such to prove and have put on record their real identity so that they can be traced and brought to account if necessary. But clearly that would negate the whole ethos of social media, which for most users is simply the online equivalent of a chat with strangers down the pub. And how do you tell if people are telling the truth?  Any ideas?

'Twas ever thus.

The world is understandably concerned at the prospect of war between the United States and North Korea.  But this ignores the fact that those two countries are already at war, and have been for nearly 70 years. What we refer to as the Korean War started in 1950 and has never been officially ended. There was an armistice in 1953, but that was it.  The parties are still theoretically at war.

R.I.P.

Bruce Forsyth - one of the last - maybe the last of those entertainers who came up through the halls (music halls, that is) and as such were proficient in many fields. Indeed, although he was so good at it, I always felt he was somewhat wasted as a game-show host.  He had so many other talents - singer, dancer, very underrated jazz pianist. stand-up comedian, he could do the lot.  He'll be missed.

Whip crack away!

Do you know what a Whip is?  I'll give you a clue - it's a chocolate treat. It's made by Nestlé.  It's been around for some time,  but it used to have a topping.  Have you got it?  Yes, it's a Walnut Whip without the walnut.  The mind boggles!

The wheel turns...

A bit of a hoo-haa about this year's A-level results following the introduction of a new, tougher testing system.  Except it's not new - it's going back to the old system which existed when I took my A-levels in 1955 I think it would have been.  No course-work, no modules, no AS exams - just one three-hour exam at the end of the two years, and back then it was pass or fail - no grades.  There were many who thought it unfair that your whole academic future should depend on one exam when you might not be at your best, and so continuous assessment became the order of the day.  But you can raise arguments against any method of testing a pupil's ability and so continuous assessment in its turn gave way to course work, and so on.  We seem to have now come full circle back to the idea of a single final exam.  But I very much doubt that will be he end of it.

Blood on whose hands?

What are we to make of this Charlottesville business?  Not strictly our concern - or is it?  Where I live (West Midlands) we frequently get the EDL (English Defence League) organising demonstrations and being met by anti-fascist counter-demonstrations. America of course always does things bigger and better(??) but otherwise it's much the same thing.  It's natural to see the counter-demonstrators as having the moral high ground but violence is meted out by both sides and a thump round the head with a baseball bat has the same impact, irrespective of who is wielding it.  And although I find it strange to be sort of defending him, I think that is what Trump was trying to get at. Violence is violence - the concept of "righteous violence" is iffy at best.  What I find more helpful is to look at motivation - who was there for what purpose?  Who was being proactive, and who merely reactive?  Seen this way, it is clearer to see that the alt-right lot were the instigators, and those opposing them simply reacting to what was being done.  Doesn't alter the fact that violence was meted out by both sides.

The English tea ceremony.

Yesterday's post reminded me that, in the days before teabags, you made your tea in a teapot and poured it into the cup from that.  But did you put the milk in first or afterwards?  This was something about which people would come to blows - each maintaining that their way was the "right" way of preparing a cuppa.  I remember that "milk in first" was considered a bit common.  I think everybody was in agreement that the pot must be warmed first, and the tea must be left to brew for a couple or three minutes, but this question of the milk...!  I saw a suggestion a while ago that it was all to do with the type of crockery you used.  As the tea would be near boiling point, there was a danger that pouring it straight into the cup might crack it if it was inferior china, so you put the milk in first to guard against that.  If you were rich enough to be able to afford the best porcelain, you didn't have to concern yourself with that, and putting the milk in last enabled you to control the colour to your liking.

Fancy a cuppa?

One of those strange things which no-one can really explain is that in the US - traditionally coffee drinkers - they have high street tea bars, whereas we - traditionally tea drinkers - have high street coffee shops like Starbucks, Costa and so on.  It's been suggested that it's something to do with the fact that, unlike us, US households don't tend to have electric kettles, though I have to say that the connection escapes me.

Round the bend?

Did you know that a banana gets its curved shape as a result of the conflicting forces of gravity, trying to force it downwards, and the attraction of sunlight, trying to force it upwards.

Ooh, you can't say THAT!

Apparently, we must add to the list of words which mustn't be used, the word "spastic".  Really?  It was used by an American athlete being interviewed at the World Athletics Championships the other day, and resulted in an apology by the British presenter, who described it as a word "that may have caused offence". Well when I was younger, to have called anyone a "spazza" would have been very definitely derogative, but to have said that they were spastic would not have carried the same disparaging meaning, but probably be seen more as a statement of fact. In America it seems it is used to mean clumsy or over-excited, and that is the sense in which it was used on this occasion.  You remember that quote about us and America being two nations divided by a common language?

D.B.Cooper

Who he?  You may well ask.  Back in 1971 a man describing himself as Dan Cooper hi-jacked a Boeing 727 on the ground at a US airport, claiming to have a bomb, and demanded $200,000 for the release of the passengers.  When this was paid - in cash - he let the passengers go and had the plane take off.  Once airborne, he parachuted out of the plane with the money, and was never seen again. Some $6,000 of the money was found on the ground near where he must have landed, but, despite extensive work by the authorities, no trace was ever found of him or the rest of the money.  So, that's the story.  The recent discovery of a parachute strap has rekindled interest that the money, which is believed to have been buried, might be found. Cooper himself is believed to have died from exposure - he was inappropriately dressed for the terrain and the weather.  But, who knows?

Ha ha

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker..
-- well she's not exactly my girlfriend - yet,

R.I.P.

Glen Campbell - very much of my generation, and his version of "Wichita Lineman" is right up there in my list of favourite songs of all time.

Giz a drag.

A photo of David Cameron with a cigarette between his fingers has re-ignited a discussion about the "evils" of smoking.  I've mentioned before that I used to smoke - pretty well everybody did back then - but I gave it up about 50 years ago.  Not that it was a matter of health - it was a matter of money.  Perhaps because of this, I've always had a soft spot for smokers.  When I worked, we had to have a designated room for smokers, and the designated room was my office!  I've never had time for the "I don't like it, therefore you shouldn't be allowed to do it" school of thought.  If you choose to smoke, knowing the risks, then as I see it, it's up to you. I've mentioned before that in my view the "second-hand smoke" argument is tenuous at best. So if Dave wants a crafty fag, I'm not going to criticise.

The Rainbow Trust?

I am a member of the National Trust.  This goes back to when my wife was alive - she was very interested in local history and enjoyed visiting historic houses, and so we became members of the Trust - and English Heritage - and when she died I maintained membership of both - partly in her memory, and partly because I thought they were both doing a good job, and worth supporting.  I have to say that I am having second thoughts about National Trust, who to my eyes seem to have lost focus on their primary purpose of protecting the landscape and historic buildings, and become more involved in politics which seem to have little or nothing to do with that purpose.  The latest example concerns Felbrigg Hall in Norfolk where volunteers (note that word) who dealt with the public were required (note that word too) to wear LGBT lanyards and badges.  The Trust's rationale was that the last owner of the property was gay (although this is disputed) and that the Trust was marking the 50th anniversary of the Sexual Offences Act 1967 which partially decriminalised homosexual activity in private between consenting adults.  But so what?  What has that got to do with the price of fish?  If I visit Felbrigg Hall it is to see the property. I am not in any way bothered by or interested in the sexuality of the previous owner (even if true) and fail to see any connection between my visit and the 1967 Act.  I should perhaps mention in conclusion that the Trust have withdrawn their requirement to wear LGBT colours - it is now optional.

Go away - I live here.

I remember many years ago going on holiday for a week down in Cornwall - can't remember just where but it was a beautiful little village on the coast, and I was having a drink in a nearby pub and commenting to the locals on what a lovely place it was, "Yes" said one "it's a lovely place all right from October to April, except for the weather, but from May to September it's a pain - full of tourists, nowhere to park, roads all clogged up - you can keep it".  And that was my first intimation that actually living in the sort of place we all like going on holiday to may have its downside.  I mention this because apparently tourists in the Mediterranean - particularly Barcelona and Mallorca - are being harassed by the locals, telling them that they are not welcome.  Of course tourists bring in the money, so it's that old problem of not being able to have the penny and the bun.

A race too far?

For a few minutes last evening we were all Jamaican.  World Athletic Championships 100m final. Usain Bolt's  last appearance - got to win, yes?  But he didn't - sometimes fate doesn't give us the result we crave. We just have to live with that.  Should Gatlin (the twice-banned American who did win) have been allowed to race?  Pointless question - we don't make the rules, and those that do said yes.  The fairy tale is over - but it was wonderful while it lasted.  Let's remember that.

Sorry Grandad - you're barred!

There's a suggestion that, as there's a minimum age for voting, there should also be a maximum age - 65 is being put forward.  I can see the logic - I shall be 80 in a few weeks (Gawd 'elp me!) and statistics suggest that I probably won't see 90 (only a 30% chance).  Those of my grandchildren who are eligible to vote are in their 20s. So should our votes count the same?  In making our individual decisions about how to vote, I only have to worry about the next few years, whereas they need to consider the next few decades.  So should people's votes be "weighted" according to how long they are likely to have to live with the consequences?  I think this discussion has mainly arisen as a result of the referendum result, where it seems (and I still find this hard to understand) that the "leave" vote was mainly driven by older voters, although it is the younger generation who will have to live with the result.

Where there's a will....

Birmingham has a problem with foul odours and an increase in foxes and rats.  Yes, the binmen are on strike. This has been going on for several weeks now, and streets are becoming clogged with black sacks full of rotting rubbish.  It seems the council and the Unite union are at loggerheads, and there is no immediate prospect of the problem being solved.  Some residents are taking matters into their own hands, and a local Muslim group is doing a great job of picking up black sacks from the streets and taking them to the tip.  But clearly this is a health hazard, and quite apart from their responsibility to collect refuse, the council also have a responsibility to deal with things like offensive smells and rodent infestations, so couldn't they just bypass the bin men and their union and deal with the situation under their public health obligations?

Least worst solution?

Should we abolish the monarchy?  With the Queen and  Prince Philip clearly in the twilight of their years, the question has raised its head again.  And yet again, whatever you think about the prospect of King Charles III, the thing you have to ask yourself is - what's the alternative?  And the only possible answer is - a President. Do we really want one if those?  Look over the pond - look at recent elections for metropolitan mayors, for police commissioners - they've all been political fights ending up with a political appointee.  Do we really want a President (here fill in a Conservative or Labour appointee)? Speaking for myself, I'll take King Charles any day,

Am I bovvered?

I'm struggling to get a handle on Brexit.  I thought it was simple - we voted to leave, and it was just a matter of sorting out the hows and whens, but then the concepts of hard-Brexit and soft-Brexit began to be talked about.  And at that point, I sort of tuned out and let them all get on with it.  But now I've been looking at it again.  My understanding is that hard-Brexit holds that taking control of our borders, and who is allowed in, is paramount, and if this means accepting that the economy and our ability to trade with the rest of the world will suffer, then so be it.  Soft-Brexit is the reverse - the economy and trade must be protected at all costs, and if that means that we will have to accept limitations on our ability to control our borders - so be it. Of course, things aren't helped by the fact that there's a power struggle going on in the Government at the moment, and Brexit is being used as a cover for that.  Think I'll tune out again!!

Who - me?

I'm a racist - wasn't aware I was, and certainly would not describe myself as such, but I'm white (well, more sort of a pinky/grey actually) and therefore, according to the President of Cambridge University's Black and Minority Ethnic Society it therefore follows that I am racist  Well, thanks for that - saves me having to think for myself!