Hic (haec hoc).

It's that time of year when the papers are full of quizzes - some based on testing your knowledge of what happened during this last year, some the more lighthearted sort - you know the sort of thing: "How well do you understand your children?", "How do you rate as a lover?" and things like that. In my paper yesterday was a list of 20 questions about drinking habits. I answered "No" to all but two of them. The first was "Do you crave a drink at a definite time of day?". Well, perhaps "crave" is a bit strong, but certainly I always fancy a drink in the evening - about 8 o'clock or so. The second question was "Do you drink alone?". Well yes, because (sadly) I live alone - simple as that. So then I look at what this is supposed to mean. First I find that this is a serious test devised by an American University hospital, and that "If you have answered "yes" to any two questions, the chances are that you are an alcoholic". Oh, come on.....!

Ha ha

Really must be time for another joke. This one comes courtesy of Classic FM -


Man is having dinner at his friend's house. The friend says "My wife and I had a meal at this new restaurant yesterday - it's really good, I can thoroughly recommend it". "Oh yes" says the man "what's it called?". His friend thinks for a minute and then says "Oh, this memory of mine! What's the name of that red flower men give to their wives and girlfriends?". "Carnation?" says the man. "No no" says his friend "big petals". "Poppy?" offers the man. "No, big petals and thorns" says his friend. "Rose!" says the man. "Yes, that's it" says his friend, and gets up and walks to the kitchen "Rose" he shouts out "what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Benazir Bhutto, R.I.P.

I try not to get involved in commenting on matters outside this country, but I have Asian friends who understandably are very concerned about what is happening, and likely to happen, in Pakistan following the assassination of Ms Bhutto. Both the US President and our Prime Minister have stressed the importance of not allowing this terrible act to derail the hoped-for democratic process in that country. And yet..... It seems to me that you cannot have democracy (and as mentioned in previous posts, by this we basically mean the Western parliamentary model) unless and until you are prepared to lose. Because the process inevitably involves winners and losers. And if your immediate reaction to losing is to go out and try and kill the other lot, I don't see how it can possibly work. Before you can begin to consider putting that model into effect, you have to be dealing with the sort of people who will swear and kick the cat if they lose, but who will then buckle down and put their energies into trying to win next time - and frankly all the current evidence suggests that, with or without the baleful influence of "Al-Quaeda", at present a significant proportion of the Pakistani people are not of that frame of mind. So are our efforts to "bring democracy to Pakistan" actually helping to create the problem rather than solving it?

'Tis the season...

... to be philosophical. The new LibDem leader - whose name escapes me - was asked whether he believed in God and said "No". He is being praised for his honesty, but to me anybody who gives a straight "Yes" or "No" answer to that question is being at best superficial and at worst arrogant. Because the immediate response should be "Tell me what you mean by God". The word can signify very different things to different people - from a sort of Santa Claus figure with a snowy white beard who sits up there (wherever that is!) watching us running around like ants and occasionally intervening in some manner or other, to an intensely personal inner part of ourselves to which we turn to a greater or lesser extent for help in time of need. Faith is belief without proof, and as there can by definition be no objective independent proof that God exists or does not exist, to take either position is an act of faith, so at the end of the day the question "Do you believe in God" becomes the purely meaningless and circuituitous one of "Do you believe in what you believe in?"

The Lazy Cook

I'm sure you're all familiar with microwaveable rice, and it's certainly a boon as a quick and easy accompaniment to just about anything. But if you fancy a change, how about couscous?

This can be just as easy, because you don't need a saucepan to cook it (the instant sort, that is). Just put the couscous in a bowl, add boiling water, cover and leave for about five minutes. Then add a blob of butter or a glug of olive oil and fluff up with a fork.
But how much couscous, and how much water?
How much couscous is a personal thing, and also depends on whether you're having it as an accompaniment to something else, or as a main meal in itself. In the first case, I find around 75 - 100g enough, in the second, maybe twice that.
Water's a bit more tricky - too little and the couscous will be undercooked and gritty - too much and it will be sloppy and soupy (although this isn't a disaster, as you can always drain off the excess).
You may find instructions on the packet, but if not, I have found if you use slightly more than the same volume of water as couscous, that's about right, or around 160 - 170ml of water per 100g of couscous. If you can't be bothered with measuring or weighing, then simply add enough water to cover the couscous by about a quarter of an inch, but no more.

Enjoy!

The tax man cometh.

As a follow-up to yesterday's post, the reason Mary and Joseph found themselves in Bethlehem was that a decree had gone out from Caesar Augustus that "all the world should be taxed". But as mentioned, this was almost certainly nothing (at least directly) to do with the payment of money, but was simply a census. "To tax" originally meant no more than to enquire into, to assess. As this process became more and more often an enquiry into your means, with a view as to how much money could be screwed out of you, the word "tax" started to take on the meaning of the payment rather than the enquiry. We do talk about something being "taxing" when we mean it involves a lot of thought, rather than expense, but the one area where the word is still used in its original meaning is that of professional charges - particularly solicitors' charges. If you wish to challenge the amount a solicitor is charging you, you can (for a fee!) require him to provide a detailed "bill of costs" which will then go before an independent expert for "taxation" - that is each item in turn will be examined and enquired into to decide whether or not it is proper and allowable.

Merry Christmas

When was Jesus born? Well, the one thing we can be pretty certain about is that it was not December 25th. The gospels tell us that at the time "there were... shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night", which puts it no later than about the beginning of October. Also the census which brought Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem would not have been held until after the harvest was in. So the clever money is on sometime in September. Does it matter - not a bit. If you are a Christian you celebrate the fact the He existed, and exact dates are immaterial.

'Twas the night before Christmas.

Many many years ago, one Christmas Eve night, my wife and I were awoken in the small hours by a jingling sound going past our window and down the street. What was it? We never found out. Was it an early morning milk-float? Was it someone playing the fool? Or was it....? All I remember is that we looked sleepily at each other and said "It's Santa!" and went back to sleep.

More carol singing.

How many of you sing "God rest ye / merry gentlemen", that is with "merry" treated as an adjective describing "gentlemen"? Quite a few, I bet. And yet it should be "God rest ye merry / gentlemen" - with "merry" as an adverb modifying "rest". "God rest ye merry" is simply old English for "God keep you in good spirits". Another one folks generally get wrong is the line in "Silent Night" that goes "Round yon virgin mother and child", where "virgin", "mother" and "child" are treated as three nouns, whereas "virgin" is an adjective describing "mother" - in other words "virgin-mother". Of course, the tune doesn't help here - inviting you, as it does, to take a breath between "virgin" and "mother". And can you sing "Oh come, all ye faithful" in Latin? I can - it's one of the few things that stuck from school. In fact, the Latin words are the original - the English words are a translation. So for those of you who want to know, here it is (well, the first verse anyway) -

Adeste, fildeles,

Laeti triumphantes,

Veite, venite in Bethlehem.

Natum videte

Regem angelorum.

Venite adoremus,

Venite adoremus,

Venite adoremus,

Dominum.

Carol singing.

My car radio is tuned to Classic FM at the moment, and being this time of year, much of their output consists of carols. And every year this brings to mind the persistent myths and legends which surround the carol "Silent Night". The story which you will hear repeated over and over again is that it was composed on the spur of the moment by a parish priest in Austria on a Christmas Eve in the early 1800's when he discovered that the church organ had broken down, and they needed something which could be sung to a simple guitar accompaniment. Nice story, but complete fiction I'm afraid. It was certainly performed (as far as anyone knows for the first time) on Christmas Eve 1818 at a church in Oberndorf, Austria, and was indeed sung to a guitar accompaniment, but it had been written some two years before, and there was nothing wrong (or any more wrong than usual) with the organ.

Book post

(see post dated 18/11/06)

My latest ten reads -

Christy Kenneally - The Remnant - 7
James Patterson & Andrew Gross - Judge and Jury - 8
Joel Ross - Double Cross Blind - 7
Sue Grafton - "D" is for Deadbeat - 8
James Patterson with Peter De Jonge - Beach Road - 7
Karin Slaughter - Triptych - 7
Adrian Mathews - The Apothecary's House - 7
Robin Cook - Crisis - 6
Tess Gerritsen - The Sinner - 7.5
Michael Palmer - Fatal - 8

Here we go again!

Rape law is in the news again - indeed it's like the proverbial bad penny in that it keeps turning up. Much of the problem I feel is down to the fact that we seem to be seeking a "one size fits all" solution to what is anything but a one-size problem. The spectrum of rape stretches from what is in effect a particularly nasty and intimate variety of assault or grievous bodily harm at one end, to what may be no more than genuine confusion or misunderstanding at the other - and all points in between. Perhaps we could borrow the American idea of "degrees", and divide the offence into First Degree Rape, where physical violence, threat or coercion is used, and Second Degree Rape where the only question is one of consent, and treat them as separate offences, and maybe handle the latter in something more akin to a family court set-up. with anonymity for both parties.

Don't they drive on the other side of the road?

More missing personal data - driving test applicants this time. Further embarrassment for the Government, but what struck me most strongly was why on earth is our driving theory test being administered and marked by a company over in America?

Weihnachtsstollen

Funny how so many of our Christmas traditions stem from Germany - down in great part to Prince Albert apparently. I'm not a cake person generally, but Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a stollen - indeed that was one of the things I was hoping to pick up from the German Christmas market - until I saw how much they were asking for them! And I don't think they were the genuine article either - Germans will tell you that "real" stollen only comes from Dresden. Considering how rich and tasty it is, it's surprising to find that it started out as a fasting food - made to be eaten during Advent. But it was so dry and unappetising that somehow the good burghers of Dresden got a papal dispensation to add butter to the mix which instantly transformed it into something like the delicacy we enjoy today. Apparently when Dresden was behind the iron curtain there was a thriving illegal cross-border market in stollen, because the West couldn't get enough of them, and you could sell them for much-sought-after dollars. Anyway I shall go and get mine from Lidl, so there!

Fröhliche Weihnachten.

Went to the German Christmas market in Birmingham yesterday. Very interesting and colourful, and the kids loved it - but the prices!! No wonder they come back every year - they must be coining it!

I'll be along in a minute.

Doesn't Gordon Brown's behaviour over the signing of the new EU treaty speak volumes about this country's attitude towards Europe? We're not really sure we want to be in, but we're scared of being left out.

A policemen's lot.....

The Police have really got their dander up, haven't they? So have they been hard done to? Should we feel sorry for them? Well, yes and no. Pretty well everybody thinks they should be paid more than they are, and the police are no exception, but when you look at the whole package - particularly the pension scheme which is generous even by public sector standards - they don't do too badly. So what about this backdating, or rather this lack of backdating? Here I feel they have a valid point. The principle of pay rises taking effect from 1st September irrespective of when new rates are finally agreed has been so well established over so many, many years that individual officers have every right to assume that this arrangement would continue, and it may well be that some officers have made arrangements based on that assumption, and may now find themselves in the clag, financially speaking. If the Government were going to renege on such a long-standing arrangement, they should have made their position clear from the outset, instead of apparently accepting an award which they never had any intention of implementing.

It's coming.

So the Christmas decs are up. Have been a bit more adventurous this year. Assiduous readers of this blog will understand that last Christmas I was not really in the mood to be festive. This time round it's a little easier - not all that much, but a little. And you have to think of the grandkids don't you? Last year I think they were really disappointed, so this year I've involved them in the whole process (or perhaps, more to the point, they have involved themselves) so the house is all lit up. Have to say it doesn't make it feel any the less empty though - ho hum.

Great (?) minds think alike.

Remember my idea of putting the clocks forward to GMT plus half an hour and leaving them there all year round? It seems that Venezuela has done something very similar. I'm not sure whether I want to be associated with President Chavez mind you, but it is nice to think that perhaps it wasn't such a barmy idea after all. It will be interesting to see whether it works in the long term over there.

The Lazy Cook

What's the best thing since sliced bread? Well for me, top of the list would be Easy Onions. If you've not already come across these, they are chopped and fried onions in a tin. You may have to search for them, but more and more supermarkets are now beginning to stock them, and they are a boon. For any recipe which calls upon you to chop and fry onions until they go soft and translucent, you can simply open the tin and there they are - just need warming up. Another little gem is ready-crushed frozen garlic - have a look in the freezer section of your supermarket. The sort I use is by Fullers Foods, but I think there are other producers. If a recipe calls for garlic, just chuck a handful in. I'm all for the easy life!

Is-oo scared then?

Have you seen the story of the Army having to "de-crack" all the Christmas crackers being sent to British forces in Iraq and Afghanistan? Apparently, regulations do not allow them to be sent with their bangs intact by RAF transport, as they would be classed as explosives. Seems a little over-the-top, particularly as apparently they could be sent by ordinary civil passenger planes without any problem. Makes the RAF seem a bit like wimps, doesn't it? And as an ex-RAF (national service) man, I find the whole thing rather embarrassing.

The exception that proves the rule.

Why do the family always look to me to explain things? "What does this saying mean?" ask the grandchildren. "Ask your grandad" is the answer! Well it's true that "prove" here is being used in its original meaning of "to test; to put to the test", but I don't think that takes us much further. After all, if you test something, then you show it to be so, or not so - that is, you prove or disprove it - so the two meanings are pretty much the same. No, I think the word which causes more of a problem is "rule". Today we tend to associate that word with law, regulation, things laid down by those in authority which must be complied with, whereas originally it meant no more than "what normally is" - the meaning we still use when we say "...as a rule...". Now if you bear that definition in mind, it becomes clear that the basic meaning of the expression is that if you have an exception, then there must be a rule for it to be an exception to - the very existence of an exception proves the existence of the rule. Suppose for example, that you drive into a town where you've never been before, and notice signs everywhere saying "Free parking today". What do you understand from this - well, clearly, that you can park for free today, but also that normally (that is to say that other than today) you would have to pay for the privilege. So the exception (you can park free today) proves [the existence of] the rule (normally you have to pay to park here). OK?

Told you so!

I'm sure most of you are aware of the word schadenfreude which means getting pleasure out of others' misfortune. But is there a word for the smug self-satisfied feeling you get when, having been ridiculed, you are proved to be right? If there is, I don't know it, but that's how I'm feeling at the moment. It must have been twenty-odd years ago, when I was a working civil servant, that I, among others, was invited to comment on whether or not the forms we sent out should be accompanied by translations into minority languages for the benefit of non-English speaking immigrants. I was apparently the only one who said no. My arguments were that, firstly, once you start down this road, where do you stop - if you're going to provide translations into Urdu and Gujarati for instance, then what about Polish, Latvian and Ukrainian, or any of the other myriad of languages spoken around the West Midlands. But also, I pointed out that by doing this we would be sending out a signal to immigrants that they didn't need to make the effort to try and learn English - and was that really the sort of message we ought to be sending out? And now, praise be, the Government has come round to my way of thinking - even if they are driven as much by considerations of cost as anything. Come on, there must be a word for it!

Works out about £½m a stone?

Ten years ago the Government decided that the question of Stonehenge and the A303 which runs close beside it needed to be sorted out. A bypass to the north, a bypass to the south, and even sending the road underground for a stretch were all under consideration. Now, 10 years and £23m later they have decided to do -- nothing! As a tax payer, I cannot say I'm impressed.

Smile for the camera - oops!

Presumably the theory is that John Darwin, the "canoe man" - in collusion one takes it with his wife - faked his own death in order that they could cash in on his life assurance policy, and eventually live the high life in Panama or wherever. If that be the case, then how stupid could you be to allow yourself to be photographed alive and well after you were supposed to be dead? Either things are not as straight-forward as is being suggested, or this must rank as one of the most laughably incompetent attempts at fraud ever conceived.

You're not listening!

Back in 2003 before the invasion of Iraq, we, and to a lesser extent the US, were saying to Saddam "Tell us where your weapons of mass destruction are, turn them over, and you can avoid being invaded". His constant response was "I haven't got any - I can't give you what I haven't got". We now know he was telling the truth. More recently, the US, and to a lesser extent ourselves, have been saying to the Iranian president "Stop working towards the production of nuclear weapons, or else!". He has consistently said "We're not doing that". It now seems probable that he too has been telling the truth. Is there a lesson for us here - and perhaps more to the point, will we heed it?

God save it!

It isn't the silly season already, is it? It seems that it has seriously been suggested - by an ex-Government Minister no less - that the words of the National Anthem should be changed so as to be "more inclusive", whatever that means. Given that probably no more than one person in a thousand knows more than the first verse, and that that cannot possibly give offence to anyone other than republicans (who would almost certainly ditch the whole thing anyway), I can't see the problem. I always think our National Anthem stands up well against those of other nations - it has a quiet dignity which contrasts well with the jingoistic fervour of some others. It's true if you get as far as the sixth verse, it talks about crushing the "rebellious Scots", but given the current shenanigans of Alex Salmond and his lot, even that has a certain resonance!

Am I wasting my time?

So I diligently separate out all my paper, glass and tins for recycling, on the basis that by so doing I am making my small contribution towards a "greener" society. But am I? It seems that some councils are then sending stuff collected for recycling to other countries to be disposed of, with all the consequent pollution and greenhouse gases involved in transporting them. Would seem to negate the whole purpose of the exercise, wouldn't it?

The unacceptable face of professionalism?

Did you see the Barbarians v South Africa match on Saturday? The first half in particular was as good as it gets - would that we could see rugby played like that every week. And yet the whole concept of the Barbarians is under threat - English clubs are not willing to release their players, presumably for fear of injury. There were only two Englishmen in the starting line-up, one of whom no longer plays club rugby, and the other - who still does - was playing against the express instructions of his club side. Had it not been for the foreign contingent, mainly New Zealand players, it's doubtful if the Ba-Bas would have been able to put out a competitive side. There is no more striking example of the way the ethos of the game in this country has been corrupted by money.

Don't I know you?

I got out my Christmas card list the other day, and this started me off on a chain of thought.... Geometric progressions can produce some surprising results. Imagine for example, that you had a certain-sure way of doubling your money every day, and that you started off on the 1st January with 1p, and using your method by the 2nd you had turned it into 2p, by the 3rd into 4p, by the 4th 8p, and so on. How long would it take you to become a millionaire? Months? Years? Decades? Well, the answer is just 28 days! Amazing but true - get your calculator out and convince yourself. So where does my Christmas card list come into this - well I was totting up the total number of people on there (not just the number of cards I send), and it comes to over 100 - and I'm not a particularly social animal, so I would imagine that most adult people could probably list 100 or more people they know. Have you heard of the Six Degrees of Separation? This is a theory that says that you are connected to every other person in the world by at most six other people - that is to say that, if you pick any person in the world at random, you know somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody who knows that person. Seems unlikely, but it's all to do with the power of geometric progressions. If we assume that everybody knows 100 people, then you know 100 people who each know 100 people who each know 100 people, and so on.... By the time we get six people away we have connected with 100^6 people, that is 1,000,000,000,000 or 1000 billion (American). Clearly there will be some duplications here - for example some of the 100 people the people you know know will almost certainly also be part of your 100, so we can perhaps reduce this figure to something under 10 billion, but as the population of the world is only 6.5 billion, you can see that the idea of Six Degrees of Separation is quite feasible. And now back to writing my Christmas cards.....

Grandstanding - again!

The Police wished to question Harry Redknapp about alleged false accounting and conspiracy to defraud. To this end they decided to arrest him - somewhat OTT perhaps, but assuming that they had the requisite grounds for reasonably suspecting him of involvement in such an offence, something they were entitled to do. But how did they go about this? They turned up at his house at 6.00 a.m. when he wasn't even there (did they know- if not why not, his movements were anything but secret) and caused considerable distress to his wife who was alone in the house. And even more sinisterly, they were accompanied by photographers from one of the tabloids. Does this remind you of the Ruth Turner business (see post dated 22nd January)? What are the Police playing at? Isn't it about time somebody called them to account? I think they've been watching too many TV cop shows.