Well I never...!

I think we should have an award for the "most blindingly obvious statement of the year". And I reckon I've got a good candidate - the Government have told pregnant women that they can reduce the risk of contracting swine flu by "avoiding crowds and unnecessary travel". I wonder if they had to appoint a committee and have several meetings to come up with that one!

Music Man

Each year I swallow hard when my TV licence is up for renewal - £142.50 at the moment. But then the Proms season starts. Between them BBC TV and radio allow me to listen to or watch about 25 concerts - and that comes out at under £6 a time. What a bargain!

The Big Lunch

Did you know that tomorrow we're all supposed to be holding street parties under the above title? No, me neither. It's supposed to invoke the spirit of 1977 and the Jubilee apparently. People interviewed on the television were bemoaning the fact that few people these days know anybody in their street other than their immediate neighbours, and that children don't play in the street like they used to. As regards children, I think the difference is down to technology. I would imagine we were a pretty typical family, and back in 1977 there was little entertainment for children in the house - we had just the one television so for the most part they had to watch what we adults were watching, and there were only three channels at that. Today my grandchildren all have TV or a computer in their room, and masses of stuff available to them aimed specifically at children. And then of course there are the Xboxes, PSPs and Lord knows what else. So there's plenty to entertain them without stepping outdoors. I don't think they play any less than back in 1977 - it's just that they are far more likely to go round one another's houses and play there, rather than sit on the chip-shop wall kicking their heels and gossiping as my children did.

Nice little earner?

Although I no longer do, I used to go to a local primary school once a week and play the piano for a kids' sing-song. As there were always teachers present, I did not have to be vetted in any way. This seemed sensible. But now apparently, as from October, if I were still doing it, I would not only have to be fully vetted, but would have to pay £64 for the privilege! We seem to have lost our sense of proportion. Several authors of children's books who go into schools to read to them are up in arms about it, and I'm not surprised. Apparently some five million people will be affected. Now let me see - five million times £64....or am I just being cynical?

Zip it!!

She is 74 and has terminal cancer. He is 85 and in poor health. They have been married for 54 years. They decide to go to Switzerland and commit suicide together with the help of the Dignitas clinic there. They are an intelligent and mature couple who have clearly thought this through and have taken their decision out of mutual love. The fact that he is a well-known musician and conductor has propelled the story into the media. I am appalled and incensed at some of the reaction. How dare people judge them? Another example of the "I don't agree with this, therefore you shouldn't be allowed to do it" approach so prevalent these days. Just keep your noses out! I wish the same choice had been available to me.

Chrome polish.

As a computer user, I am an unwilling slave to Microsoft - like many others, I suspect. So my ears pricked up when I heard that Google were going to introduce an alternative operating system to Windows. But now it appears that this is not a new OS at all, but merely a new front end for Linux. Not that that is not in itself interesting, and I shall be keeping my eye on it, but it is not the wonderful manacle-striking-off move I first thought.

Ashes - first test.

So let's not get carried away - the Aussies outplayed us in every aspect of the game, and we were literally "saved by the bell". Well done to Anderson and Panesar for hanging on in there, but we are going to have to make a massive leap forward if we are going to be competitive in the series. Why could their bowlers get so much out of the pitch when ours couldn't make anything happen? That really was the difference.

Counterproductive?

So the Prime Minister has said that what our lads are fighting and dying for in Afghanistan is "to keep the streets of Britain safe from the threat of terrorist attack." If it were so, I could just about live with that, but is it? It seems to me that the major threat of a terrorist attack comes not from those in Afghanistan, but from those within our own shores - as evidenced by the July 7th attacks four years ago. So does what we're doing in Afghanistan make that threat any less likely? Quite the reverse, I would say. It was said that the invasion of Iraq was the best recruitment poster Al-Qaeda could have had, and equally what's going on in Afghanistan is almost certainly resulting in more and more young Muslims in this country and throughout the world being driven towards extremism. Give it up - bring 'em home!

Snap!

The picture going the rounds of President Obama apparently eyeing up a young girl's bottom (and to be fair, it was a bottom well worth eyeing up!) just goes to show - if it needed to be said - that you should never trust a still photograph. If you watch the video footage from which the still was taken, you will see that he was doing nothing of the sort. I am always suspicious when a photograph is published which appears to back up a story - particularly when it's about a person's mood or state of mind. A snapshot of an instant in time is just that - without knowledge of what went before, or what came after, it provides no basis for making any sort of rational judgment.

Ha ha

This comes from my daughter-in-law -

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he said. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware".
The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?
''No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice",winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.' This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes . He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
'Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'